The past few daye

Seeing the kids is always so much fun, and they were both in good spirits this time.

Sunday we walked to dq and played at the park. It was super foggy outside but E still enjoyed playing and his ice cream.

S is so energetic these days, and such a talkative little thing. It kills me when she says sit as shit.

It feels like the last few days have been spent with both the kids glued to me. I’m all to happy for the snuggles. I’ve found myself sleeping in a chair with missy glued to the side of my face, and in some strange position with my head smushed up beside E. I love the closeness though and wouldn’t change it.

Me and E played connect 4 one night and he enjoyed kicking my butt. I love how excited he gets when he wins a game.

Today finds me back at work as the kids are back with their dad. It’s tedious sitting here doing nothing all day. I wish I had a job where I felt I was doing something useful. Ah well, it pays the bills.

Tonight I think I’ll finally pull out my mic and record some new songs on bandhub. It’s hard to sing when the littles are around because of all the noise: I’m looking forward to singing again.

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#MeToo

How does one write these things down? I wasn’t going to talk about it here. I didn’t see the point in airing my grief and vulnerabilities for the world to pick apart. Reading a few things on Twitter have made me decide to put it all out there though.

I know one day my children could stumble upon this. I hope both my son and daughter learn from this.

I had spent the week before trying desperately to find validation in Thomas. We had gotten in a nasty argument about a little bit of wine and I had ended it. Me being me, at the time week and thinking I needed a partner to keep my head held high, begged and pleaded him to come back. Romeo was all to quick to try and fill the voids Thomas left. He sent me flowers twice in one week to my work.

It was a gradual break down. Nights spent crying on the phone to R about T. T staying firm on the fact we were done. R playing supporter. It was terrable. My first mistake was feeling I needed validation from anyone other then myself.

I was so desperate to please Thomas and get him back I neglected my self respect. I went to a movie, with the hopes he would want me if I played like a good girl.

I wore what he wanted. I listened to him tell me it wouldn’t work, but I thought if he saw me it would be different. It was not. He still refused me.

When I returned home the house was empty. I sat on the deck and sobbed for letting myself hope.

Romeo knew I had went to the movie. I had told him it would probably end badly but that I had to try. He was quick to call and play supportive. While we spoke I choked on my tears as I drank the last bit of wine I had left, about a quarter of a glass.

He said all the right things, that rang hollow. He offered to come over and I remember thinking anything has to be better then this pain. Turns out there are worse things then rejection.

As I type I feel myself begin to shake. I know I don’t need to write this out but it’s important I have it laid out. It’s hard to go back, but I want my loved ones to know. I want my kids to one day see I’m strong and how I have changed.

When Romeo arrived he had a huge bottle of wine. He set it down and said he was going to put his phone charger in my room. I followed him.

The deck door was open. The wine was on the counter. My phone was outside.i didn’t expect him to push me down. I wasn’t prepared for the rough hands that tried to get inside of me, through my dress. He was rough, and it hurt.

In that moment I had two options, stop him and walk out, facing potential conflict and him physically attempting to hold me back, or try to maintain some control. I picked the second option. Of course at the time these choices were not so clear. It’s only in playing events over and over in my mind I’ve been able to see things more clear. I wish I could go back and do it over, but in that moment I stood up from the bed where I had been pushed, bent over on my stomach, and I took off the dress. Maybe if I give him what he wants he will stop.

It was like a live wire. He bit me, he rolled me around as if I were a object. At one point he called me a little slut. I held on and hoped like hell he would finish so it would be done. It’s the only time in my life I had fakes a orgasm.

When he finished he asked me to clean him off. I said no. He continued to ask. I refused. When he went to shove himself in my face he fell off the bed. When he was on the ground I stood up and put the soiled dress back on. I remember my legs were shaking.

More self blame when looking back. At this point why didn’t I have him leave? Mostly because it was night and he is also blind and i still try to be empathetic even after what happened. So he stayed.

He kept filling my wine. I didn’t drink more then half a glass. So in total that day I had about 3 quarters of a glass. He drank the rest of the bottle.

At one point my friend Zen came over and we all had dinner. She had noticed how aggressive he was becoming the more he drank, grabbing me and moving me places instead of asking. At one point she even told him to back off.

When she left I had started to tremble. I said I was cold. I’m not sure looking back at it if that was why.

I had told him I was going to bed as I was cold. He followed me in. I told him he needed to sleep in the other room but he lingered. I told him just cuddles. He didn’t listen. It wasn’t long before his hands were down my pants. I kept very still. Then my pants were off and he was between my legs. I still kept still. He bit me multiple times, and each time I said stop. The last time he bit me I put my hands on either side of his head and pushed it back. Stop fucking biting me! I had said.

Somehow this turned in to him flipping me from my back to my stomach. At one point he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back. I yelled ow. Then my body decided the rest.

It was at this point I started to shake. I told him to stop. He kept trying to move me. He pulled me closer. Again I told him to stop. I need you to just be still. I put my head on his chest in attempts to get comfort but he kept moving his hands.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I locked the door. I sat with my head in my hands attempting to stop shaking and regain control.

When I came out I told him he needed to go in the other room. It took me 10 minutes of back and forth before he left. He said he was doing it for me.

In the silence of my room tears slid down my face for a entirely new reason. I began to shake again. I listened to fhe sounds of the house, scared he would come to my door. It took me hours to fall asleep and I don’t think I ever really did.

The next morning I woke up early, but laid in my room until I heard my mom get up. I put cereal in two bowls. I made two coffees. I felt like a robot. I took the food outside. When I approached his room I stood outside the door.

Food is outside I said. Come here he said. I hesitantly stepped in a few steps. My parents are up I said. He stood up and pulled me in for a kiss. I pulled back, stepping back. Again I told him food was outside and left the room.

On the deck I put my spoon to my mouth. Over and over, chew, swallow, don’t talk. When I finished I looked at him. What happened last night was not okay. I’m not okay. I began to cry. He said he felt terrable because he was hung over, and that he didn’t remember.

He got up and walked in front of me. He grabbed my head and kissed me. Then put my head on his shoulder. Limply my arms came up for a hollow embrace. He scruffs my hair like I’m a object, he says I’ll be okay, and leaves.

It’s not until that night I break down while at my friends place. It’s not until the next morning I decide to call and report it.

A week later a chunk of my front tooth falls out from the impact of them clicking together from the force of either his hair pulling or his initial push down on rhe bed.

A few months later I am informed by the police that they can not do anything as he refuses to speak to them. I am appalled by this.

While I was giving my statement I was asked why I didn’t get up and walk away. I was told that some men just need clear directions. These things were said to me while I sat trembling on the bed where it happened, after already being questioned at the station doe 2 plus hours.

Somehow on the drive from the station to home it went from victim to victim blaming.

These are the reasons I have not contacted victim services again to see if there has been any progress. So much time has passed I don’t know if it would do any good.

It still impacts me. He my partner is to forceful, or if he pushes my head to hard, if I do it from behind and if I’m not in the mind set for it. When I’m feeling insecure and don’t like what I see in the mirror.

The point to reliving this is to tell anyone who reads that rape is not black and white. There is no shame in feeezing up to protect yourself. The shame is in our so called justice system. The lack of empathy and understanding, the ignorance and victim blaming, its disgusting.

I would like to close this off by saying dont be afraid to say no, but I can’t. I know how it feels to be held captive to fear. The only thing I can say in full confidence is to NEVER seek validation in anyone other then yourself. Someone could hand you the moon but if you don’t feel your worthy of it you will never be able to hold it.

Always remember you are strong. You are beautiful. You are enough just as you are.

Past few days

Things have been going really well. I feel like slowly he is letting himself relax with me and just be.

We have spent almost every night together from Xmas. As time passes I feel like we are getfing even closer.

The physical side of things keeps me on my toes. Every night, even if he is tired, he takes care of me. I’m comfortable with him, and love how he responds to me. It’s not based on submission or power. He goes deep, and it makes me feel like he wants to be close to me. When he pulls me close in his sleep, I feel wanted.

We are still learning about one another. We are both strong willed and playful. But the other day he told me he didn’t want to spend another night away from me. Sure we bicker but we are learning and growing.

I’ll feel better when I am back in my own place where we can stretch our wings. I want to be able to not silence myself. I don’t want to keep quiet when people are sleeping. I want the kids to be able to be loud and playful at any time of the day, I know it will happen eventually but it’s taking to long.

All yours dear

The way he said it was everything. He had replied before but it was sarcastic and more of a joke. This time it sounded as if when he said it, he actually meant it.

I’ve been fooled by words so many times before. My want to be loved makes me a easy target. When it comes to him though, I have to believe it. The vulnerabilities we exposed to one another at our start isn’t the kind of fluff you reveal to a quick fuck, or a rebound.

I met his kids at the end of the year, and he met mine this past weekend. They liked me, and mine liked him. It breaks my heart every time E calls him Thomas though, at least 4 times.

My dad screamed at me and pushed me the other day. It triggered me in a really bad way. Yelling is bad enough but hands on me is worse. B was here and he screamed at him as well. It’s very hard to be here at times.

The last few days have held a lot of growing pains. Him not knowing how to respond when I’m physically shaking and upset. His fear of opening up to me and in turn making my insecurities flare up. My defences going up when he misread a msg and I thought he called me a weekend mom. Both our desire to push the other one away when we hurt each other.

Having said that there has been a lot of good as well. Taking mr to a movie. B reading him a bed time story. The way it feels now fhat he pets my hair without having to be asked. How sincere his voice sounded when he said he was mine.

It’s early days with lots of ups and downs but the ups are more frequent then the downs.

Anxiety

So much time has gone by from when I updated last. Christmas, and seeing the new starwars movie. Getting a car of my own, spending time with the kids.

None of this is in order, it’s kind of all over. Really that’s how I’ve been the past few days with my emotions.

Sunday the kids came back and we had Xmas eve dinner with the family. Missy looked so cute in her dress, and mr was so happy and excited. Bryun was spending the night with his littles so didn’t join us for dinner. I blew up his phone with pictures and texts though. I remember thinking on Xmas morning when we were both sending pictures of our littles back and forth how nice it felt. Kind of like we were both still together sharing in the joy of Xmas morning.

Mr was so excited he woke me up every hour from 3AM on. We got up at 6 and everyone had a blast opening gifts and enjoying family time together.

B picked up the kids at noon. Even though I made a point to send him videos of the kids and pictures from the morning and previous night; I’ve yet to get any related to Xmas from him. It makes my heart hurt that I was included with my new partners children then I was with my own. I wasn’t given the same courtesy I showed him when he took them home.

Anyways, when bryun came home Monday night we exchanged our gifts to one another. He spoiled me with new clothes and soap and dried lavender he planted himself a while back.

Tuesday we went and saw the new starwars movie. I enjoyed it even though the descriptive audio divide didn’t work. They gave us free passes for another movie to make up for it.

The next day was when I picked out my new car, a Dodge Journey. I white like it. People on Facebook went off on me for my choice though. It pissed me off at first, but I let it go.

Yesterday I went for dinner with k. I don’t know if I will see her till the middle of jan, so it was nice to spend some time with her before she left.

Today I went to the house and it looks like moisture is still getting in the walls. I picked up some stuff and came back here before driving bryun to the ferry.

Things have been strange with me. I don’t know if I’m just off because I’m close to my period, or if I’m sabotaging things. I’ve felt tense the past few days, but all in all I am happy with how things are going.

Bry is looking for closer work, and we will probably move together on the 1 of feb. he still has not told his ex directly about me, but I guess my insecurities make it bigger then it needs to be.

I’m meeting his littles tomorrow and I’m so anxious it’s not funny. Maybe it’s part of why I have been so off the past few days. I’m eager to meet them, but I’m so scared I’ll do something wrong. What if he parents in a way o can’t stand? Or we butt heads later ovaf something. And then there is the fact I’m going to a house I’ve never stayed in before. I’ll have to ask him to show me where things are, and it’s one thing to look foolish in front of my partner, but for some reason it’s harder for me to do so in front of his kids.

I’m sure I’m over thinking it. I have these crazy stupid scenarios in my head. What if I bump his daughter and he gets angry with me? What if I lean on him and don’t realize they are around and he gets angry? what if they don’t like me? What if they feel like I’m taking their special time away they just wanted with their dad, I just don’t want to do anything wrong.

I shouldn’t be nervous but I’ve never done this before. I’ve never walked in to someone else’s family dynamic being blind. I worry he will look at me like I’m less then if I don’t coparent well enough. Or if he has to help me with things and it takes away from his time with his littles.

I could spin this in circles until my head hurts. I just hope by the new year I still have someone who is proud to have means doesn’t feel obligated to

Tender

Let me worship you with my fingertips

Fill in all the spaces the ones before me neglected to find

Let my breath release you from the dust of self doubt

Scatter it around us like our clothes on the floor

Stretching of wings and holding our breath

Will they hold us if we jump?

They might have been broken before but I’ll knit them back together

Don’t struggle against the stitches love

The fear will soon subside

I promise I’ll be gentle with you

My love

Peel off the bandaid let go of the ghost

Struggle to swim then realize i can float away

Open my mouth to breathe in frosty air

Battle the realization that I care for you love

And I fight it

Like drowning

I’m falling deeper now

And I’m screaming

Heart pounding

I gotta tell you how

I feel for you

Do you feel it to

How I feel for you

My Love

Give up the battle spiral down this track

Touching your face now there’s no holding back from you

Set free the words I struggled to keep in

Let it all go the moment skin meets skin I am yours

And I fight it

Like drowning

I’m falling deeper now

And I’m screaming

Heart pounding

I gotta tell you how

I feel for you

Do you feel it to

How I feel for you

My love

3 words set in motion

A storm that knows no bounds

Vulnerable emotions in you a home I’ve found

Do you feel it to

How I feel for you

My love

I feel for you

My love

Birthday

It’s hard not to think of you today. I remember how we would always try to do something with the guys, or the one year you were so excited about there being a super moon on your birthday.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot these past few weeks. I’ve tossed the idea around of reaching out to you, but then I’m hurt so deeply I don’t. Some of the things you have said, are just so hurtful, it makes it difficult to remember the good times.

I understand your hurt, for how I cut you out so quickly. But seeing how you reach out to my ex husband because my behaviour concerns you, just as you took matters in to your own hands with the t and r situation makes me feel disrespexred and devalued. I am a adult and my mistakes are my own to make.

I never thought you would attack me at my core, my ability to parent my kids. You know me well like a sister and you know how insecure I am about these things, and fhis was where you hit. You insinuate like I’m some kind of tramp who leaves my kids behind while I have my way with men, and it hurts me deeply.

Did I feel guilty because I couldn’t find the diaper cream in a house I had been in for a week as a blind mother? Yes. Do I regret introducing r to the kids? Yes. Do mistakes make my ability to parent my children ever come in to question, no.

I write this today wounded that you assumed the lowest and worst things about me with out knowing the full story. I was literally talking to b about reaching out to you again that same day before fhis happened. That was after the nasty blog post I read but did not respond to because I was just so lost for words that you would portray me as a terrable parent.

I was going to reach out because my mind had gone to the good times. Chicken attack with the kids, Starbucks visits, when you fixed the coffee pot and we stayed up till 4 in the morning drinking coffee, when you came out to help me get that morning after pill, when you stopped gus from being creepy, when we saw dianna together, when I cried in your arms when I was drunk.

You have it in your head all the tears were from t, but they were my own self doubt. I came out of a rape, and yes, I drank more then I should, when my kids were asleep. I cried a lot and made a man my safe place, when I should have been my own. But I was never a bad mother.

Pushing you away wasn’t called for, especially with how he left me, and then reached out to someone he told me himself was toxic to him. Now though, with all you have said, with how you would reach out to my ex of all people and imply I’m doubt anything but the best I can with my kids, it makes me unsure how to proceed.

Thankfully Bryan knows better, but what if he hadn’t? Would your hurt and anger really have been worth the possibility of him taking my babies away from me? Then you would have had guilt to deal with, and it’s not a fun emotion.

I handle my friendships the way I handle my partners. I give and give until I have nothing left to hand out any more. Today, with us, I don’t know where I stand.

Happy birthday

Comfortable

With the fact that he is here to stay

With the noises he makes at night

With how he pulls me closer

With his gruffness in the mornings

With his tight grip on my skin

With his fingertips on my skin

With the sound of his last name

With letting him in

With being vulnerable

With his quirks

With your ghost

With sharing his air

With his acceptance

With mine

With his determination

With myself