Week 3

When does it get easier? I am ashamed to write that I tried to contact you yesterday. You have turned your messenger off though so my words bounced back.

I looked for you in my phone, but when I cleared it out I erased your contact, and I never had memorized your number. I wish I had.

Nothing I could say would make it hurt less. Maybe I would only hurt more. I just can’t understand where I went wrong. I wish I had only been a fuck toy to you. Those women get you for a lot longer then 4 months. Dianna had you for 8 and your still “friends” Karen had you for 4 years off and on, and apparently she still has you. I appear to be unworthy to join your club of concubines. But with you I was never enough.

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Fireball whisky

Found the bottle you left behind.

I sobbed as I held it against me wishing it was you.

I drank until i couldn’t feel the tears sliding down my cheeks.

I stumbled up to my empty bed, and cried because your not here.

My body is numb but it still hurts so fucking bad

Best he ever had

Not good enough apparently.

He still left.

He still reestablished his “friendship” with both his fuck toys

He still walked away.

Why them? What do they have I don’t? Or, what do I have that he doesn’t want?

I keep thinking, maybe he made up the Karen thing, so I would block him. I want for that to be the case, but I literally have bogging to hold on to any more. Was he talking to her all along? Had He never let her go?

How can I ever believe I’m enough when he not only leaves, but starts talking to a ex again?

He told me I was home. He told me I felt amazing, and when it was falling to wreckage around us, he thanked me. As if our love making was a transaction. Was he always just playing me? I gave him all of me. I knelt before him out of love and adoration. I looked up in to his face while we were one, and looking down in to mine he said, “I like playing with you”

I was not playing. I loved him deeply, and he threw me away. How long was he talking to her? How can I let him go? The anger and pain doesn’t silence his voice in my mind. The oh sweathearts, and the sounds he made in his sleep. It doesn’t erase the mornings when he would wake up early to hold me close. I can’t forget how he felt when he kissed my face, or touched my waist, or dominated me.

How do I move on when he made anything ellse feel empty? How can he talk to her again if physically at least we were compatible? At the end, he didn’t even want me like that. I clung to him like a sinking ship, and he kissed the top of my head. Then he left and I broke all over again.

It hurts. It really hurts. He cane back out of guilt, but I welcomed him with love. I really don’t know if for him love was ever part of it.

How dare you

T didn’t block me he said he wanted to help if I needed it I told him I wouldn’t need his help ever again. I asked how he was doing. He said

How I feel most of the time.

Am I doing okay? I have no idea. But, I haven’t cleaned my room since I got back, I am nursing a bottle of whiskey each night. Not getting drunk, just nursing. Also going back to what is familiar, slowly reconnecting with Karen, looking to reconnect with Diana. Etc.

-shrugs-

I walked away from a friend he said only caused negativity, and yet he can run back to the girl who couldn’t make up her mind for 4 Year’s if she wanted to be his fuck busy or partner. Do as I say, not as I do.

I hid in the bathroom at work and solved for another 10 minutes over him. How could he be so stupid? At this point I think he caused the back and forth with these women.

I hope his alcohol and empty fucks keep him warm at night. He has no one but himself to blame for the lack of purpose he has in his so called life. Fuck them till it’s real and then run away. He is the only one to blame for his lack of emotional intelligence.

Go on keeping your head in the sand. Never reflect and grow as a person. Eventually everyone will leave you, and you will be left with your solitude and the broken little boy you have made out of yourself. You can stay right where you are. The world will keep on turning. You might fall behind, but it’s not like anything matters anyways, right?

I love playing with you. Time you found a new pawn in the twisted game of your life.

Week 2

It’s liked watching someone Ella’s life through a window. The hot shower should burn my skin, the laughter should reach my spirit. Everything feels muted.

Yesterday he came and got the things he left behind. All the things but me. It was 10 minutes that left me sobbing like a broken animal, unable to catch my breath or stop myself from trembling.

I curled up in a ball on my couch and cried god yet another hour for yet another person who does not deserve my tears. I gathered up the broken parts of myself and tried to fit them together again.

This time around, no matter how hard I tried, I was left with ugly cracks. This is what happens when you bond with someone through trauma, when you make them your life line. When they leave, they take most of you along with them.

Never again.

Day 2

Somehow fhis time around is easier because I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I know nothing I did or said would have changed his mind. Somehow this makes it easier, until I think about it longer.

When I do that I know he won’t come back. I realize he probably didn’t want to be here in the first place but his guilt made him feel obligated. I remember how I felt when I believed he was here out of love and not guilt.

He made up his mind to help, and then he made up his mind to leave. The only reason he would ever come back was if he made up his mind to do so. With me the unknown variables are just to great. He was right in saying hoping for him to change his mind to stay would be like hoping for a miracle.

I still do though. Maybe after he is alone for a while with out me pushing him to stay he will figure out it wasn’t so bad after all. If he did I don’t believe he would ever tell me though and that makes me more sad then him going.

Insomnia

Trying to stay up until I pass out. Taking a page from his book. I don’t want to go up to my room because that bed was his. I washed the sheets but it’s still his. That room is his. It’s where I found him over and over and now I’ll be alone in it. I don’t want to go up there.

His mom reached out to me apologizing for what happened. She told me she would have welcomed me and the kids in to her family. I wish he had been able to make room for them in his life.

I keep wishing he would come back. That after some time alone he will give his head a shake and realize what he gave up on. I know he won’t, but I’m the idiot who would take him back.

Pain

Well he left. He said the kids took up to much of his time, and he never wanted kids. I would write something bitter and angry but I’m crying to hard to see my phone and it wouldn’t help anyways. I would only feel foolish later.

Communication and vulnerability

It’s interesting how hard it is to talk to t. Most people might read that and see it as a bad thing, but I find it to be a positive.

When I spoke to him last night about everything on my mind I was physically shaking. Having self worth issues makes it incredibly difficult to express my needs. Doing this with a partner who isn’t totally submissive towards me is terrifying.

All my past partners were “easy” in the sence I could say or ask for anything, and I knew they would try to accommodate me or agree. Being so empathetic meant I would always be mindful, or try to be when asking for things, but I didn’t have to worry about them leaving because they felt I wasn’t worth it.

With t, because he is strong willed and dominant I have that constant anxiety. Even though I’m a terrable sub when it comes to him as I still push for my needs, I still do it trying to keep his first over mine. So while I told him how I was feeling, I did it with the full expectation he would shrug his shoulders and tell me he was done with me.

Surprisingly instead of doing that, he did his best to reassure me, while I accepted it in rhe moment, I guess I’m still struggling through anxiety as all night I had dreams of him leaving. Regardless he is still here, when I made myself messy and vulnerable to him. I’m going to try harder to take care of him, and hesitate less when I need him to do the same for me.

Ramblings

Last week was really hard on me. So many ups and downs and while we resolved it in left feeling unstable and insecure.

I’m afraid we to ask for more then I’m getting because if I do I feel like to much work and he might run. I’m scared if I keep quiet it’ll fester in to something bigger then it is, but what if I say something and I’m just being sensitive and it’s nothing and I do more damage?

I ask him multiple times a day if he is okay, and he says he is. The hard thing is, it’s the same way he said it at his moms. What if he is only okay in the moment and all of a sudden he isn’t again? I just keep circling this around in my head and it’s so counterproductive to things.

Sometimes I feel like I’m so focused on what he needs I forget what I need. Then I feel like if I ask for what I need it’ll be to much because he has made lots of changes for me and what if he feels like I won’t recognize or appreciate those changes

It has to get easier. I refuse to be one of those people who gives up when it’s hard. The hope is if I keep my eyes forward it will get better. But what if I become resentful because he escapes in to games instead of me? What if he is right and I do expect more out of him in terms of involvement with the kids and it’s to much for him? Whey if I’m asking for to much and no one will ever be enough like Bryan said when I left?

I try my best to not be unreasonable. I’m scared he is here because I pushed him, just like I pushed Bryan and one say resentment will build on both sides and then we just won’t want one another any more.

Life has to be more then games and sex and food and sleep. What if it’s not with him? God I love the physical thoigh, no one has made me feel so valued in those moments. Maybe I’m the issue, like I’ve come to realize I was with Bryan.

I guess it’s all trust issues right now. I can’t believe him when he says he is okay and happy. That makes everything difffoxult. I know balance is important to him, so how come it feels to me like this isn’t? Maybe I’m the broken one here?

So much rambling. I really need to give my head a shake and focus on the positive or doubt is going to make this implode fast. Dispite it all we did have a good weekend,

E had a good time at the birthday party. T got in some game time. I enjoyed some girl time. All good things. I just wish it didn’t feel like holding on to unstable rocks. Loving someone is terrifying.