Updating to get some things off my chest.
Work is a gong show. Somehow my screen reading program has been lost. For the past two days I have literally done nothing. I can’t check emails let alone log in to my computer. For 8 hours a day I sit at a desk and do absolutely nothing, and hate it. All the feelings of discrimination came back from before. This time it’s harder because now I don’t even have the assistive tech I need to be productive. On top of that my hours are being threatened. In short it’s a shit show.
Things with me and T are going well. Sometimes I have these moments of detachment like, is this really my life now? He takes such good emotional care of me, but sometimes B words will pop up in my mind and I worry I’m to broken to be fully receptive to it.
It’s hard to write it out to make sence of. B told me I would never be happy with anyone because no one will be good enough. That I have something wrong with me. When these detached moments come, I’m so scared he could be right. When I start to pick at little things that logically are nothing to worry about, I feel like I’m trying to make issues.
I try to be gentle with myself. So many life changes are happening right now, with work and the kids. I know the detachment has only surfaced in the past few days, so I know it’s work related. Still I feel guilt for it even being a thing. I feel annoyed with myself for allowing yet another thing out of my control to effect my relationship.
We say to one another all the time, me and T, communication is so important, and that balance is key. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of emotional balance that I wouldn’t know how to communicate something I don’t understand. He makes me feel so valued, so looked after and loved, and somehow I still feel these strange things and I don’t get it. I worry we build to much up around physical, and yet his body against mine is like my lifeline. When I get lost in him, it all stops. I wouldn’t want to change a thing, and yet my mind spins with such stupid thoughts. I’m a super sexual person so why would it even matter if it was a part. I love our chemistry, and how desirable he makes me feel. Why can’t I just let things happen?
Some days I feel Bryan’s absence and then I get angry with myself. I feel in those moments there HAS to be something wrong. Never would I return to him, and yet it still hurts, he still hurt me so badly. Why would I miss anything? Shame and anger and annoyance because I have someone now worlds more emotionally and physically attentive to all I need. It’s the interactions over the kids, the way B handles it like business that cuts me now. I tried so damn hard and now I’m something that has to be “delt with” and not the mother to 2 kids. I’m a inconvenience to him now, financially, emotionally. Here I am moving forward, accepting. All that T so willingly gives me, and wishing I could feel a little less broken. That B hadn’t left me such a damn desaster. When I miss him I hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Then I will lay beside T and he will pet my hair and in those moments it all stops. All of it. The calm feeling and the level of safety he gives me when we touch is amazing and scairy because it starts the entire circular thought process again. I can’t keep my hands off him. His lap is my safe place, as are his arms. Is this reliance on physical comfy healthy? Am I killing us before we start? Is there something wrong with me? What if Bryan is right? Round and round I go. Then T says something and I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath, and then he is kissing me, and I forget why I was worried. I love him, I am scared I will break it and I’m vulnerable. The way I feel around him, it’s exactly what i need, and I’m terrified I’ll break it. This is new, the fear, not of him leaving, but of myself. What if Bryan is right? At times I fall back in to thinking the marriage failed because of me, because I was deficient in one way or another, and those are the times when I cling to T tighter. He is like a life line in all this, and saying it, feeling it, is scairy, because it sounds so pathetic and messy. I hold him tighter and nuzzle his skin and hope he has enough faith in me for the times I don’t.
I know it’s a lot of rambling. I realize I sound like a desaster. I just needed to write. I know I will get better over time, I just wish I could give him and myself some fucking emotional stability. I want to be able to just enjoy all the feelings I’ve missed for so long. I want to be able to take pride in the fact my lover thinks I’m desirable instead of a amazing physical connection making me anxious. I want to enjoy him, this, my new life. I know it will all fall in to place, I just hope he will still be here when it does. I want to live with him, to make him banana bread, and have him ravage my body, to have him soothe my mind, to hear him laugh, and feel his body twitch against me when he sleeps. I know if I keep a handle on my anxiety we will be ok, I just wish I wasn’t such a mess.