You

I don’t think our brains were made for productive conversations, especially difficult ones. When one person goes on the defensive things get mixed up, someone gets hurt. I have gone through this from both sides. I have hurt, and I have been hurt. I have let you in, and completely shut you out, only to let you back in again. 
Yesterday was hard for us both. You set me back leaps and bounds with my insecurities. In turn I saw you break apart as I wavered on the edge of completely detaching myself from you. 
Your vulnerability was the only thing fhaf stopped me. As angry and hurt as I was, I would have had to be inhuman to not notice hour instant remorse and regret for what you had said. 
As humans we are messy and raw, but I pulled myself back to you, even through your blunder. We talked for hours, stumbling over the cracks. We got lost in each others words instead of each other’s bodies. It was messy and painful but when it was all said and done, while I had pain, I also still had you. I do not regret my choice to stay, and I will continue to try my best for you. The closeness we have is worth the growing pains. 

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Needing strength 

Today is going to be draining. I’m anxious becajse I have a eye dr appt. the last one I had would have been back in 2008 I think. The hope is I can either get glasses for ovar my contact, or a stronger contact, or glasses that are not so ugly. I’m not looking forward to the eye drops and thinking about it is setting my teeth on edge. 
After that I need to sit at the old house and wait for Bryan to finish a meeting before we go to the lawyer. Sitting in that house with all its failed potential is going to be hard. I might just go lay in bed, but then laying in that bed will be hard. Going anywhere near the house and him feels unfaithful to me. I want to wrap myself so tightly around T and have him pet my hair until the memories of this place go away and all I have is him. Today is going to be really hard. I don’t want to sit in that house with my mind. I hope it goes quickly 

Motherhood 

This is a job of constant change. Each day brings a new challenge and a new reward. Moments of frustration are followed by ones of amusement where I find myself laughing at something you have said to me. Your curiosity and eagerness to help blows me away and I am amazed two people could make something so perfect. 
The other day you dressed yourself. I had laid your clothes out and left you to your task. A few minutes had passed and you had not returned. I thought you were having trouble so I stuck my head in to call you. When you answered me you were in the living room. When you came to me you had all your clothes on, the right way. In that moment I felt such joy and sadness at once. You were so proud and as you stood there flapping your arms in excitement i held back my tears. 
When you left, to continue your show, I took a moment to regroup. I allowed a tear to slide down my cheek. Your growing up so fast. I remember helping you dress, how you would squirm to get away from me. Now you are doing it on your own. Every day you grow a little more. Every day I hold you a little longer, ruffle your hair a little more often. Keep growing in leaps and bounds but don’t forget about me. Put up with my snuggles and my doting, one day you will have your own little one and will hold them just as tightly. 

Catching up 

It’s been a few days from when I updated last and it feels like I have a lot to write about. The issue is I don’t have the time to put it all down. I put a offer in on a house, me and T are going through some shit, and I watched the defenders on Netflix. Jaws was approved at work so I should hopefully be productive again soon, and I’m going to need to repurple my hair soon. The kids are doing good and things around here are the same. Day by day I guess. 

Good and bad 

I guess some victory today as well as some sadness. I ended up getting the spousal support I asked for, but where the kids will go to school is up in the air still, B wants them to go to school near where he lives and as I don’t drive I feel they should go near me. We have a few months to work it out or it will go to court. I’m going Thursday to look at a place and I hope it works out. As for the sad part, I just find the day the kids leave to be so hard on me emotionally. I’m sitting here outside listening to music and hoping it gets easier. I don’t know if it will though, I would like to say work is a distraction but with how that is I can’t really say that. I’m looking forward to seeingn T tomorrow when I’m off. It’s sad but looking forward to seeing him at the end of these fucking work days is a huge part of what helps me through them, I’m only working 2 days this week as well as next so it shouldn’t be to bad, 

<3

I need you 
Like two magnets we are pulled together 

Hands and lips and breaths 

Caught in our desires 

We let go of the rest 
Your lips on my neck and I’m floating

As my hands dance over your skin

The physical distance feels like miles between us 
Whispers in my ear as I close my eyes 

Teeth and nails now 

Bringing us to a fever pitch

I tremble for release 
Holding tightly as two meld to one

The world falls away in our motion 

We belong to each other

This need is mutual 
Here in the following silence 

Our spirits can rest again 

As sleep claims our bodies 

Intertwined we dream

1 month 

It’s crazy to think how much can happen to two people in just a month. In just 30 days I have grown to love you. In just 4 weeks you have taken all my self doubt and stripped it from me with the same gentleness as when you first removed my clothing.
We first connected on a Friday night, it was a frantic phone conversation full of the chaos of my life. The kids were getting picked up and I babbled like a idiot. I was nervous even then because of your profile. I babbled and you listened to me in all my chaos as the kids were picked up. We talked for hours. 
The first time you came to me I didn’t know what to expect, but when you came with drinks for us both you put me at ease. We did those 30 questions and talked in person for most of the day. We met my friend and had dinner and ice cream together. When I first walked beside you I felt the strength of your presence. 
When I gave you my body I surprised myself with the confidence I showed. Only in looking back do I realize the lingerie was part of the plan. Phantom will always hold a place in my mind and heart for us. My spirit was moved by the music that night but you woke it up with your passion. 
It was a Friday when I thought I would loose you. I had to expose something that shook me to my core and humiliated me. You could have left me, but it was on that Friday you told me you loved me. I let go and lost myself in your comfort from then on. You are my safe place and my sounding board. Your my lover and protector. I can’t want to see the future we make together. 

Another long day 

Work was once again not productive. Most of my day was spent reading fan fiction. Star treck haha! The day was way to long.
T is off for a guys weekend. He sends me pictures through out of what he is up to and it makes me smile. I miss him, this feels like it’s our first weekend apart sence we have been together. When he sends Me little messages and pictures I feel closer to him. 
Tomorrow will be a month for us. It’s funny how fast it has gone, and yet it feels like there are so many hills to climb before we can just be together. Not around one another, not physically together, but to actually BE together. When we can see one another in the day to day of life. When we can share a home and not just our beds and spaces for a few days. I have never been patient, and with him I am very eager. Not for the reasons one might think though. While a small part of it is because I don’t like being alone, the bigger more resounding part is the excitement of knowing him. I’m eager to see all the things living together uncovers. How does he unwind? Is he a messy person? How will our first fight be? Will he like my cooking? How does he leave the sink after he shaves? I haven’t been excited to find these things out before.
Way back when me and B first moved  in to the basement at my parents old house, it was just a progressive thing. He stayed over a lot and I felt like I knew him enough that it just felt like the next step. It’s funny because here now with T, he comes over a lot, and I spend a lot of time there, but I feel so much excitement and hope I didn’t feel with B. Perhaps it’s because before he would move with me I get to make my own home? Maybe it’s because to me he is this mysteriously quiet creature who I want to mind meld with to know all he doesn’t say? Either way it’s a new feeling for me and it’s very welcome.
It’s strange to say, but I’m eager to see our dynamic strengthen after a fight. I know we will have good and bad days, and at times I’ll probably drive him crazy. The past 9 years have shown me that while I like to be semi submissive, I also am a very determined person when it comes to sticking  things out. If he really will continue to stay the same, if the emotional care stays after the honeymoon stage, if he will work just as hard as I will to maintain it if it doesn’t, then I really think I have found my other half. It’s not something I say in passion, or want to yell at strangers, it’s something I feel in my core. It’s a feeling of belonging and comfort that is such a shield for me at the moment when so many things are going nuts around me.
The possibility of being in my own place in a month or so us becoming more real every day. The fact he wants me, really wants me, is becoming more solid. While my job situation is turbulent, as long as those two things line up for me, the rest will follow.

Ping pong 

Updating to get some things off my chest.
Work is a gong show. Somehow my screen reading program has been lost. For the past two days I have literally done nothing. I can’t check emails let alone log in to my computer. For 8 hours a day I sit at a desk and do absolutely nothing, and hate it. All the feelings of discrimination came back from before. This time it’s harder because now I don’t even have the assistive tech I need to be productive. On top of that my hours are being threatened. In short it’s a shit show.
Things with me and T are going well. Sometimes I have these moments of detachment like, is this really my life now? He takes such good emotional care of me, but sometimes B words will pop up in my mind and I worry I’m to broken to be fully receptive to it.
It’s hard to write it out to make sence of. B told me I would never be happy with anyone because no one will be good enough. That I have something wrong with me. When these detached moments come, I’m so scared he could be right. When I start to pick at little things that logically are nothing to worry about, I feel like I’m trying to make issues. 
I try to be gentle with myself. So many life changes are happening right now, with work and the kids. I know the detachment has only surfaced in the past few days, so I know it’s work related. Still I feel guilt for it even being a thing. I feel annoyed with myself for allowing yet another thing out of my control to effect my relationship.
We say to one another all the time, me and T, communication is so important, and that balance is key. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of emotional balance that I wouldn’t know how to communicate something I don’t understand. He makes me feel so valued, so looked after and loved, and somehow I still feel these strange things and I don’t get it. I worry we build to much up around physical, and yet his body against mine is like my lifeline. When I get lost in him, it all stops. I wouldn’t want to change a thing, and yet  my mind spins with such stupid thoughts. I’m a super sexual person so why would it even matter if it was a part. I love our chemistry, and how desirable he makes me feel. Why can’t I just let things happen?
Some days I feel Bryan’s absence and then I get angry with myself. I feel in those moments there HAS to be something wrong. Never would I return to him, and yet it still hurts, he still hurt me so badly. Why would I miss anything? Shame and anger and annoyance because I have someone now worlds more emotionally and physically attentive to all I need. It’s the interactions over the kids, the way B handles it like business that cuts me now. I tried so damn hard and now I’m something that has to be “delt with” and not the mother to 2 kids. I’m a inconvenience to him now, financially, emotionally. Here I am moving forward, accepting. All that T so willingly gives me, and wishing I could feel a little less broken. That B hadn’t left me such a damn desaster. When I miss him I hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Then I will lay beside T and he will pet my hair and in those moments it all stops. All of it. The calm feeling and the level of safety he gives me when we touch is amazing and scairy because it starts the entire circular thought process again. I can’t keep my hands off him. His lap is my safe place, as are his arms. Is this reliance on physical comfy healthy? Am I killing us before we start? Is there something wrong with me? What if Bryan is right? Round and round I go. Then T says something and I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath, and then he is kissing me, and I forget why I was worried. I love him, I am scared I will break it and I’m vulnerable. The way I feel around him, it’s exactly what i need, and I’m terrified I’ll break it. This is new, the fear, not of him leaving, but of myself. What if Bryan is right? At times I fall back in to thinking the marriage failed because of me, because I was deficient in one way or another, and those are the times when I cling to T tighter. He is like a life line in all this, and saying it, feeling it, is scairy, because it sounds so pathetic and messy. I hold him tighter and nuzzle his skin and hope he has enough faith in me for the times I don’t. 
I know it’s a lot of rambling. I realize I sound like a desaster. I just needed to write. I know I will get better over time, I just wish I could give him and myself some fucking emotional stability. I want to be able to just enjoy all the feelings I’ve missed for so long. I want to be able to take pride in the fact my lover thinks I’m desirable instead of a amazing physical connection making me anxious. I want to enjoy him, this, my new life. I know it will all fall in to place, I just hope he will still be here when it does. I want to live with him, to make him banana bread, and have him ravage my body, to have him soothe my mind, to hear him laugh, and feel his body twitch against me when he sleeps. I know if I keep a handle on my anxiety we will be ok, I just wish I wasn’t such a mess. 

Roller coaster few days 

Things have calmed down now, but yesterday was really hard. T took it all in stride though and was there for me through it all, and then some.
I thought I would be productive and go to the bank yesterday to look at getting a new credit card in my name and looking in to mortgage stuff. With the  what I make I don’t qualify for enough. I was also told to wait on a credit card  for now. 
When I returned to the car I saw T had texted me. He unexpectedly had a short day at school and asked if I was up for a call. I suggested he come for a visit, and he surprised me when he agreed. If I knew how much of a shit show the day was going to turn in to I would have not been so stressed from the bank.
When he arrived I was overwhelmed from the bank, feeling stuck and cornered. That was the first time I cried  in front of him. Curled up in his lap with my head on his shoulder while he gently placed with my hair. My dad saw me crying and it led to some independent talking. I now have a plan, I hope, but I still wanted legal advice.
The lawyer was a joke. My already frayed nerves were put even more on edge from the garbage this woman was spouting. To make a long story short, extra money is not worth giving up my  morality for. T had came along with me and mom, and on the ride home he saw the angry frantic side of me. For the most part he kept quiet, but from time to time he would squeeze my hand or touch me, and I loved him more then the anger I felt in those moments. 
When home we filled dad in about the gong show, and then had dinner. T drove me to kids up a cheese cake and at some point I was informed mom and dad were going away. As I type, they are still not home. I was upset and stressed with everything going on and anxiety took its hold. Not being in my own place is super hard at  times. 
Anyways after cake they left and B showed up with the kids. E came in crying about missing daddy already. It escalated and I got more of the I don’t love or miss you from E. While b struggled to put E to bed I cried again when T could see. He moved to me, told me E didn’t mean it, and said he would stay with me. Thiseant a 5 am wake up. This meant sitting silently while I cried more to my ex husband, who didn’t blink, about how going through this with E was killing me. This meant bringing me back to a level of calm only T could. This meant a hot room and a shit sleep, arms around me even though he was melting. Words of reaffirmation and gentle kisses when he was exhausted. Washing  a bottle and dealing with a stupid puppy at 5 am, and he did it all. 
Then he came back  and did it all again. With next to no sleep. He comes back and plays with the kids and loves me and touches me and blows me away. He did the dishes, he freeking ordered dinner! He played with Sylvia and still found time for me. Then he informs me I will have him from Thursday till Sunday!
How is this my life? It’s crazy and messy and even when it’s terrible I’m so greatful to have found this man. He gives and gives and no flower or chocolate or candle would ever mean anything close to the mindfulness and commitment he shows me every day. I have no idea how I ever did without. Unity feels good for the first time in a long time!