This is fear

Of you leaving when it gets hard

Of change and all the questions it leaves unanswered for you

Of being vulnerable and letting someone close to you

Or not always having your way

Of not being good enough for you

Of you hurting me again

Of me hurting you again

Of failing

Of succeeding and what changes it brings

Of falling down

Of all the work it takes to get back up

Of legging go of safety nets

Of the voice of self doubt

Of the past scars

Of the possibility of future ones

Of letting go of control

Of taking control

Of being to weak

Of being to strong

It’s easy to let it take hold of you. Then your making choices you regret minutes later. Instead of letting it define us, let’s work together to silence them all.

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This is love

When he pushes pash his discomfort from introversion and puts up with all the workers in your house.

When he stays up late with you after gaming to fit in some quality time together.

When he drives you out with little notice with no passive agression or complaints to pick something up.

When he takes you to meet his mother, with your two kids.

When he juggles keeping the baby safe and watching the 4 year old on the ferry over.

When he steps up and puts the 4 year old in time out because it’s a new enviorbmwnt and he knows I’m not familiar enligh with it to act quickly.

When at 5 in the morning I’m full of anxiety about the 4 year old waking up scared when asked to check on him he does so with out making you feel foolish when he is safe and sleeping in his bed.

When while juggling breakfast for the kids he takes the time to peel and hand you a orange.

I say it all the time. How much I love him but he still finds ways to blow me away

Good and bad

The past few days have been filled with ups and downs. Life keeps me on my toes, but I’m over all happy.

Friday T wasn’t feeling well so he took a sick day from work. Unexpected time with him always makes me so happy. Even if we have no plans, just being around him feels amazing. The fire place was installed that day, and we found out there is a leak in the wall. Stress levels were high so I was even more thankful he was there beside me.

Saturday was a girls day as he went off to his game thing. I spent most of the day with K. We went shopping and then out for dinner.

When I came back home me and L decided to go see a movie. We were just about to leave when T came home early. I squealed and ran to him. I’m my own terrable movie! Seriously though, this is love.

The movie was really good! Getting out with my friends is always so much fun. I’m happy I have found such a supportive partner who encourages it.

Sunday was a hard day. I decided to visit my parents as T was at his game thing again. Right off the bat my dad started going off on me. He was pissed the kids were coming home later that day. I told him it was to balance out this weekend because they were coming home early, but he didn’t care.

Self worth issues suck. Having him pick me apart over something I’m already not feeling guilt over really sucks. I just kept quiet as normal.

When the kids did get back E had a melt down. I sat on the floor and cried right along with him. These outbursts are emotionally draining. I would like to think seeing me cry helped, but who knows.

Once he calmed down we went out for dinner. When I came home me and T had some pie and talked a bit before bed. His calm and level headed approach to difficult situations is another thing I value about him. He does it in such a way where it’s not cold and lacking empathy and emotion, but level enough with logic to give me something to hold on to.

Monday was mostly spend with missy as E was at preschool. When he came home we watched a little tv and then he went to the hockey game with my dad. He was so excited!

As it was just the 3 of us most of the night it was relatively low key. T played the switch while I played with missy and then we headed off to bed. On days when it’s just us and the “baby” I fight the urge of wanting to give him one of his own. Seeing him play with S, allowing her to crawl all over him while he played his game, it made me love him even more. I don’t really have words for the feelings I felt while watching them, but it makes me so happy. I have no doubts he would be a amazing father, gentle, patient, and firm enough to guide and protect. I love this man.

Tuesday was another rough day. E told me he wished I was dead again so he could stay with his dad. Then we had fun unboxing my new vacuum. With him I feel like it’s a lot of ups and downs. He really enjoyed helping me take everything out of the box though, so we did have some good fun.

His friend N came over for a few hours before Bryan’s dad picked him and S up. They had fun playing together. I hope they continue to enjoy one another’s company as I feel it’s good for E to have some friends.

When the kids left me and T went and picked up a few things from the store and then just had a low key night. I did laundry and he played more Zelda before turning in for the night.

All in all the past few days have been positive. The highlights were deffinitly T spending unexpected time with me, and dad taking E to the hockey game. The time with friends and the fire place are also awesome!

The next few weeks should be exciting for us both. Meeting T mom, a concert, a birthday party, and then T birthday. Life just keeps moving forward. I’m fortunate to share mine with such a amazing man and supportive friends.

Balance 

He often talks about this. 

Last night I was frustrated. I vented to him about B and I guess after listening to my tirade he had heard enough.

The tone of his voice stopped me. While he is often quiet, his voice is very expressive. I am glad he trusts me enough to tell me when I’m frustrating him. I’m proud I noticed and stopped to check in with him.

Hearing about B all the time when he can’t fix it frustrates him. Seeing me so angry annoys him. The fact he called me out on it, makes me love him even more.

Don’t get me wrong, it also makes me want to run circles of damage control. It makes me want to cling and make sure I have not broken things. I’m not used to a partner with a strong will. I value it immensely, but the submissive in me has to learn how to handle it.

Not every observation is Armageddon. When I ruffle his feathers, it doesn’t mean he will wash his hands of me. These experiences are opportunities for growth, not bolt risks.

I think it’s just that I want to make him proud. I want to do my best to not drive him crazy because he is such a safe place to me, and I love and value him deeply.

When it was said and done, we fell asleep snuggled up. This morning he held me for 10 minutes as he always does. These actions, his commitment and stability will eventually calm the  immediate response of damage control when no real damage has been done.

It’s a response I fully recognize and know isn’t logical. I’m working on it. With time and patience I know I will get there. For now though, I’m just eager to see him again. This feeling is something I will always try to be my best for.

Sleepless night 

Things are glorious. Most days I feel like I’m floating in a dream. I was unable to sleep last night. I lay beside him and listened to him breathe and my mind went to vows. I know I’m crazy. 
As I listened and thought I once again realized how lucky I am. After the hardest times oh my life I have found the person I want to share the rest of it with. I still don’t know how it happened but I have no doubts about where I belong. I have never felt anything so strongly.
I think for the long weekend we are taking the kids to meet his mother. Something has changed in him and he is giving me all the security I need. He moved more of his stuff in. Somehow he is proud to have me. 
Looking ahead to xmas we plan to see his family just us when the kids go to B. I can’t wait to spoil T for Xmas and decorate the house and pick out a real tree perhaps. 
We plan to take the kids out on Monday, and tonight is Stranger Things marathon night. I’m thrilled to be experiencing all these things with a partner who actually wants and values me. I hope I make him feel the same way.

<3

The perfection of security is so amazing. Things have been going so well I feel like one day I’ll wake up and be grasping for these times. We fit so well together in so many ways. I feel like I’ve waited for this for so long. 
I was worried how things would go when T saw the kids again. I had anxiety that he would, for one reason or another, feel like it was to much and pull back from me. He didn’t though and now that all the drama has passed we can just be together and it’s fantastic. 
I went so long with so many things missing. Now that I have all ive wanted it’s hard to accept I am worthy of it. I’m not putting him on a pedestal, he really just does balance me out. He has seen me at my most vulnerable and at my lowest point and he is still here. I’ll never understand why. 
Watching him play with S last night filled me with so much more love for him. When we went to bed and he filled my mind with complements it was everything I could to not to cry and just accept them. Self worth issues are a long battle, but he makes all my doubts I held about my body go away. When he holds me in his arms, I feel worthy then. It’s when I think I doubt myself. 
I want nothing more then to be enough for him. I hope I can make him feel even half of the happiness he makes me feel. 
Life is funny. I never thought I would have found everything I need in a partner. I have been told over and over that no one will check all my boxes. I know things will be hard, but with him for all the love and joy he brings my way, I will always fight for him, I hope he will fight when things get rough as well. The good times will always outweigh the bad with a love like this. 

Security 

The past few days have been really nice. Tuesday was spent with family and yesterday was spent with L and T. 
The kids got me some really thoughtful gifts. E was so excited about the kitty socks he picked out for me. The fact B took the time to pick out chocolates and bath salts from S was very kind. I also received some sheets from mom and grandma.
Yesterday was spent waiting around for a dry waller who never showed up and watching love never dies. 
When T arrived from work we headed out relatively quickly to see L. She had baked me a really nice chocolate cake and made amazing pasta for dinner. We didn’t stay that late though as we were both really tired.
When we were alone T gave me his gift. He didn’t even have to go to a store for it. He told me he was wanting to see the kids again. When I asked him why, he simply said because I miss you and don’t want them to be stopping me from seing you. 
I know it doesn’t sound like much, but coming from him it means the world. Knowing he wants to see me, that he actually wants to be around me makes me so happy. With what he said last night he has made me feel so much more secure in him and is. 
Today I woke up with a cold, I think T is getting it as well. B and R are coming over today though so I’m trying to feel better. I’m looking forward to seeing them and relaxing. 

This week has been rough so far. E has been especially difficult. One night he kept coming out of his room, and yesterday he had a huge tantrum when B dropped him off. When it’s rough with the kids i really miss having a partner beside me. 
Navigating tantrums and stretching myself so thin with out someone to lean on is rough. T has been really sweet through text and does his best to support me through text. While I appreciate it deeply, I’m eager for the day when we can fully function as a team. 
The last two nights I have not been sleeping well. I’m so used to sharing my bed with T that when he isn’t here it just doesn’t feel right. The way we sleep always touching, I love it. 
Tomorrow the kids leave in the morning, I was able to have a extra night with them so I can see them tomorrow morning. After that I think the plan is to spend some time with L and T. I’m looking forward to dinner with my friends and my love for my birthday. 

Taking comfort 

This week has been a roller coaster. Friday was especially busy. I had my first counselling appointment as well as a hair appointment to get my hair returned back to its normal color. Both went well.
The session with the counsellor was surprisingly productive. She told me about something called a fear ladder and that together with my partner I could work to strengthen myself against the things that trigger me. She also told me I already have a lot of tools I use to help me cope and that we should try to focus in on what is causing the anxiety and triggers instead of giving me tools to prevent them. I left the session feeling excited to have something to try.
When I was done with my hair and waxing T came over. I filled him in about the counselling session and what she had to say and he was happy to try and help me as best as he could. After that we decided to go for dinner to Bobby Sox and meet up with L. I think we all had a lot of fun, and I’m very happy to have such supportive friends around me.
When we came home from dinner we watched a few  episodea of Oreville. We both thought it was surprisingly good. Not so much a comedy as more of a drama/comedy.
 After the show we decided to head up to bed and test out triggering me. It went surprisingly well, I didn’t turn into a ball of trembling nerves this time. I did almost cry, but he was able to talk me down and bring me back to a place of calm. All in all I would say that it was a success.
Saturday was a blissful day of snuggling and relaxing in bed for the most part. Yesterday night we ended up going over to see L A few of her friends for dinner. We ended up staying quite late and playing cards against humanity. It was a blast!
We got home we ended up watching one episode of American horror story before heading to bed. I’m not really sure how I feel about the season so far. I don’t know if they should’ve gotten politics involved, but it is interesting and I will give it a few more episodes before I make my final opinion.
 When we woke up this morning we walked to McDonald’s for breakfast, and then to booster juice. Before he left he ended up reassuring me that he would come back and we are doing better. I know I have made my mistakes, but I do feel like going forward things are only going to get better for us both.

4 months 

I can’t believe it’s been that long. Just 120 days ago I walked out of the door of the home I brought my babies to when we left the hospital. I made the long over due choice to walk away from the man I had hoped to share my ljfe with. So much can happen in 120 days. 
3 relationships, 1 sti, 1 rape, 1 lost friend, countless mistakes. 1v patient lover, a new home, new selfless friends, hours of self discovery, and the continual journey of learning to love myself. 
I never thought I would have been strong enligh to leave. I never saw myself solo parenting my children. I thought leaving was pain, and then I was violated. Self worth issues are difficult at the best of times, but when your objectified they become a even bigger demon. I never guessed I would have something take control over my body the way the emotions caused from his violation have. 
But I am still here. Not only did I leave the house my babies came home to, but I did it with my head held high through my fears. I picked myself after someone did me the ultimate disservice and did what I had to in order to start to heal. The man I love returned to me because he must see things I don’t. 
I still make mistakes. I’m still very insecure and broken, but o keep my head held high. When I wake up I tell myself I’m strong, I’m beautiful, and I’m worth wanting, some mornings I have to force myself out of bed after saying it at least 10 tines. Other days I feel happy and only have to remind myself once. On days when the kids are being difficult I hide in the bathroom and tell myself those 3 things over and over. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I really believe the things I say, I hope if I continue to say them to myself that one day I will fully believe them.