People are stramge. Emotions are even more complex. 
To say I am unaffected by you after all the time that has passed would be a lie. But I am more mindful of how you effect me. I thought I was worth effort to you, but itshould not have surprised me given how you left your last relationship. I don’t want a us any more, that’s not true either, but I know better. 
I feel so much shame that I can somehow want you, but you are my addiction, and I’m only human. Knowing your engaged, knowing I wasn’t worth any effort after you slept with someone ellse, these are the things I use to keep myself from going backwards. I’m not angry any more I’m just sad that I believed you and I feel dirty and week that I still struggle with your impact on me. 
I justify it because I feel I deserve it. Somehow I’m so twisted up that I can still somehow feel I need to punish myself for not doing something, anything sooner. Somehow I blame myself even though logic and your own actions show you would have left me anyways. Humans really are fools.
I’m happy where I am now, and the baby isn’t what made me that way, but needed to write this down, to get it all out. For so long I’ve been acting like it’s done, like I’m removed from it all, and I’m not. I am not ok from you, o shouldn’t feel shame from that but I do. Knowing your still here, still inside me, it hurts, and I feel shame. 
I’m happy with what I have here because it’s stable. I know that at my worst he will still be there for me, and yet I haven’t told him how I struggle. I feel it’s mine to deal with on my own, my punishment not his, I’ve hurt him enough, as for you, I don’t feel I effected you at all. How could I possibly have when you were so unaffected by it all? 
I’ve learnt who cared, the one who stayed through it all. He warned me and I didn’t listen.
On my end, I know with out a doubt it was love, in all it’s messy raw bull headed inconsiderate fashion. That’s what makes it hard for me, to know that for maybe years I will hold this inside me, that it might not just fade to the back of my mind, my dad told me it took him years, and I feel shame. 
Shame that I struggle with it when I have a man who does more then enough. Anger at the fact that even if you asked me back tomorrow I couldn’t because some things you can’t come back from, and yet here I am struggling with these feelings that I can’t act on and I can’t make go away.
I’ve been told time helps, I’m sure distance does to, your doing a good job forcing my hand at that, engagements do that. I wish I understood you but I don’t think I ever did. 
Maybe I need to be more forgiving of myself, not feel so much shame over all this. But I’ve been trying for a year now to sweep it under the rug like you have and it’s not working, and I feel shame, 
I’m here and I’m happy and yet I still have these feelings and I hate that I do because it’s not right. It’s my own fault for letting it happen so like I said I take the punishment but I wish I could deal with it for my own sake. 
I know he is here for me, now I’m sure he is worried because he saw me writing this and now I feel more shame. I wish you didn’t effect me because I clearly don’t effect you, you say you will never be stuck, it must be nice.


One thought on “Ramblings

  1. serrebi November 13, 2016 / 3:26 pm

    Being engaged is a game to him. This will ware off when he can’t immigrate to the states. Judging from the conversations I saw, he’s so jealous about your situation , and the fact that you got away with stuff it hurts. I identify with this post Danielle. Some people just fuck with life when they can’t get what they want.

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