Keeping busy 

Ive absorbed myself in writing and reading fanfiction. It doesn’t keep things from crumbling around me though. The very day we returned from our trip he let me down again. 
He stood quiet when I was talked in to the ground. 10 years of my life gone, and he doesn’t even know me well enough to tell when I’m upset. What a shame, a fucking shame. He is so far gone in this he actually believes I will not be happy without him. 
E is done preschool June 23. I’m leaving then. I hope the next person I love will make a effort to know me, not to own me. 


God damn it 

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes laying still in my bed, in hopes that if I held still long enough i would fall asleep and get away from these insescent thoughts of you.

After that, as his breathing settled in to a pattern of sleep beside me, I took 5 more reminding myself to hold back my tears. Sadness has turned to agitation, and here I sit alone in the dark with my phone.

I remember when I would sit alone in the dark with my phone to talk to you, when you painted me a world I so eagerly believed in.

Here come the sobs now, like a wounded animal, just the way you left me. Best to keep quiet so I don’t wake him up.

Do you know I still feel every touch like it was yesterday? Roomer has it time makes it go away, it has not. Your voice, your haunting words are never far away. You however are now on the other side of the world, again.

My dad asked me once why you? My answer came with no hesitation, then I was so eager to defend you, to defend us. I told him it was because you were the only person who could make me feel alive, who owned my body and mind. What does it say now that you have left me feeling dead?

I feel a unraveling in me. I feel more and more worn thin by this every day. I would leave if I thought it mattered to you. But there is the most painful truth of this entire spirit crushing thing, it does not. Did it ever? 

I could run myself through with a blade and you would watch from a removed distance as I fell to the ground. It wouldn’t feel any different from how you left me. Telling me she is a friend you were helping with money, you were just visiting. Even then I knew you were full  of shit, but I desperately hoped, and you, eager to string me on kept up the lie until you were engaged. Some friend. I wonder how long she was waiting in the wings for you?

I would leave if it meant you would stay but you never did. It breaks me, this knowledge. I have to try to fake my way through this fucking constant pain while you play house, by your choosing, either oblivious to what you have done, or gloating in the sheer force of it.

How does it feel to know you can so easily break someone? Do you lose sleep? I sure do. I feel shame and excitement every time I hear your voice telling me to cum. How does it feel to know you have that power? Half a world away.

I have none. Be happy with what you have you say. What you left me with, a substitute and a emptiness you are not man enough to stick out to fill.

And you say 

You should really try to find satisfaction in the life you have instead of wanting more.
Who talked to other women and lined them uplike dominos to fall at your feet with the touch of your hand?
How dare you say this to me when it was you showed me it could be so different. You who is now content, apparently, with someone new. Why do you say such stupid hurtful blunt lies. Why do you always run off? Fuck those words!
Every day I try to “make do” I try for my kids and my well being because I was only just a play thing to?you. When I trembled when you touched my skin from the force pf you, from the complete terror of letting go, you only saw it as a ego stroke. You could play my body like all the others, now you know what my moans sound like, curiosity satisfied, level complete. 
You broke me. For anyone to follow, to anyone who wants the fragments you left behind. I can’t let go again. I can’t get lost in another’s touch, I’m numb to everything.
Be happy with what you have you say. I ache for what I will never have again 

5 months!

It’s been that long from my last post. No one writes any more! I check back to my reader page but it feels like no one blogs any more. I guess if no one writes, they don’t read so I’ll use this for mytherapeutic dumping ground.
It still hurts. What you did. What you didn’t do. So many songs, to many fucking songs bring it all back and I’m right back where I started. How could something with such a strong love and desire fizzle our like child’s play? How can you play these games when you don’t have children to force your hand? Why wasn’t I worth it? It still hurts and your half a world away.
I never had a choice. From day one I fell at your feet and you chewed me up and left me there on the ground. If I could make this constant pain, these constant reminders of you stop I would. Yet you say, I have a choice.
Loving you was not a choice. It was something that swept me off my feet and here I am still trying to stand again. I can’t stand what you did to me. Me, the one who didn’t believe in love. Now I wish some days I never knew. 
Everything is lacking without the wag I felt when you held me, even though you tore me apart I miss how you made me feel alive.
My life is making do with my fingers in my ears trying to forget how desire feels. Kids anddomestic life and music. Always the fucking music brings it all back.
When does it get better? When you give her a baby? No then it just makes me angry. How dare you pretend when you told me it was always me. Don’t be foolish and get yourself in over your head, it will just feel like drowning in daggers. Why? Why are you so eager to make my mistakes. Why can’t I let you go? Why did you have to open my eyes to true love but build it up in this sick power play game. You always did and still do own me and yet you say I have a choice.
I can’t stand this. I need to get back to work, but that to reminds me of you. Nothing does not. I work out and keep pushing forward but I’m just treading water. Distractions are stepping stones. God I hope it gets easier. Why did you leave me so broken? Why did you wreck everyone ellse for me? Why did you bother just to give up. Fuck your and your accent and charm and soft words and rough edges and electric touch. When does it get easier?