5 months!

It’s been that long from my last post. No one writes any more! I check back to my reader page but it feels like no one blogs any more. I guess if no one writes, they don’t read so I’ll use this for mytherapeutic dumping ground.
It still hurts. What you did. What you didn’t do. So many songs, to many fucking songs bring it all back and I’m right back where I started. How could something with such a strong love and desire fizzle our like child’s play? How can you play these games when you don’t have children to force your hand? Why wasn’t I worth it? It still hurts and your half a world away.
I never had a choice. From day one I fell at your feet and you chewed me up and left me there on the ground. If I could make this constant pain, these constant reminders of you stop I would. Yet you say, I have a choice.
Loving you was not a choice. It was something that swept me off my feet and here I am still trying to stand again. I can’t stand what you did to me. Me, the one who didn’t believe in love. Now I wish some days I never knew. 
Everything is lacking without the wag I felt when you held me, even though you tore me apart I miss how you made me feel alive.
My life is making do with my fingers in my ears trying to forget how desire feels. Kids anddomestic life and music. Always the fucking music brings it all back.
When does it get better? When you give her a baby? No then it just makes me angry. How dare you pretend when you told me it was always me. Don’t be foolish and get yourself in over your head, it will just feel like drowning in daggers. Why? Why are you so eager to make my mistakes. Why can’t I let you go? Why did you have to open my eyes to true love but build it up in this sick power play game. You always did and still do own me and yet you say I have a choice.
I can’t stand this. I need to get back to work, but that to reminds me of you. Nothing does not. I work out and keep pushing forward but I’m just treading water. Distractions are stepping stones. God I hope it gets easier. Why did you leave me so broken? Why did you wreck everyone ellse for me? Why did you bother just to give up. Fuck your and your accent and charm and soft words and rough edges and electric touch. When does it get easier?


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