God damn it 

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes laying still in my bed, in hopes that if I held still long enough i would fall asleep and get away from these insescent thoughts of you.

After that, as his breathing settled in to a pattern of sleep beside me, I took 5 more reminding myself to hold back my tears. Sadness has turned to agitation, and here I sit alone in the dark with my phone.

I remember when I would sit alone in the dark with my phone to talk to you, when you painted me a world I so eagerly believed in.

Here come the sobs now, like a wounded animal, just the way you left me. Best to keep quiet so I don’t wake him up.

Do you know I still feel every touch like it was yesterday? Roomer has it time makes it go away, it has not. Your voice, your haunting words are never far away. You however are now on the other side of the world, again.

My dad asked me once why you? My answer came with no hesitation, then I was so eager to defend you, to defend us. I told him it was because you were the only person who could make me feel alive, who owned my body and mind. What does it say now that you have left me feeling dead?

I feel a unraveling in me. I feel more and more worn thin by this every day. I would leave if I thought it mattered to you. But there is the most painful truth of this entire spirit crushing thing, it does not. Did it ever? 

I could run myself through with a blade and you would watch from a removed distance as I fell to the ground. It wouldn’t feel any different from how you left me. Telling me she is a friend you were helping with money, you were just visiting. Even then I knew you were full  of shit, but I desperately hoped, and you, eager to string me on kept up the lie until you were engaged. Some friend. I wonder how long she was waiting in the wings for you?

I would leave if it meant you would stay but you never did. It breaks me, this knowledge. I have to try to fake my way through this fucking constant pain while you play house, by your choosing, either oblivious to what you have done, or gloating in the sheer force of it.

How does it feel to know you can so easily break someone? Do you lose sleep? I sure do. I feel shame and excitement every time I hear your voice telling me to cum. How does it feel to know you have that power? Half a world away.

I have none. Be happy with what you have you say. What you left me with, a substitute and a emptiness you are not man enough to stick out to fill.

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