What a weekend 

I can’t believe that in just over a week I will be going back to work! It figures as soon as I start to come in to my own here work has to come in to the mix and make things stressful again. Being back at square one with them having no idea what they will do with me again is really frustrating! Now more then ever though, I need the money.
Friday and Thursday night without the kids was hard as usual. When I’m in my own place I will be able to keep myself busy with stuff that needs to be done, here though I just sit on my phone. 
This week wasn’t bad at all though! We finally got together with the guys to play cards against humanity, and for dinner. I was happy T finally was able to meet more of my close friends. Wait! Time runs together so much, I just realized I have spent the last 3 nights with T and now I’m sitting here grinning like a idiot. Thursday after we finished up with the guys he decided to stay here. Falling asleep with him holding me is so amazing! He had to leave early Friday morning for work, but he still stayed.
After work on Friday he came back out to get me. He has been driving so much for me, on top of everything ellse he does, and I just feel so lucky to have found such a genuinely caring man. 
We went for dinner and then watched a few movies. Heh, I just realized I have another drink still at his place ūüôā The movies were good, both very interesting from a psychological view point. We did this thread on Facebook where we post thoughts as they surface while we drink and watch the movies. I thought it was a lot of fun! It’s silly but when he shares his “things” with me I feel failed and special. 
Yesterday we went to IHOP for breakfast. We both had French toast and I stole some of his bacon. I was happy to have coffee as well. When we are out together and he touches my arm lightly, or puts his arm around me I feel so secure and loved. The way our dynamic is working is really powerful. I love submitting to him because it’s not even a thing I have to think of, he is just such a nurturing strong confidant partner it happens on its own. I wouldn’t want to be in anyone else’s hands.
After breakfast we stopped at the grocery store and then headed back to his place. It’s ridiculous how giddy doing something so normal made me feel. I guess because it’s something two people living together would do? Regardless when we went through the store I just kept thinking how right this feels.
When we finished up mom called me and told me Cici had been sick. I felt terrable as T had just purchased stuff for dinner. We had to come back all the way out here but he didn’t grumble at all, just took care of it. When we got home and my parents were not here, it was obvious they expected him to take me to the vet. For a moment the insecurities crept in. Again, so much is being put on him, by no fault of my own, but still. Will he be frustrated? Will he back away? Nope, I was frustrated, that they would just throw me at him like a inconvenience they couldn’t wait to brush off. He didn’t complain as he took me and Cici to the vet. While I waited for the vet to come look at the dog he stood beside me, gently petting my hair or stroking my arm. All of it melts away when he touches me. 
Cici was given pills for the next week and we think she ate something. We headed back after the vet and talked to mom and dad for a bit. Dad thinks I need to take things slow, but it’s hard for me to sit on my hands here. When a remark was made about what if I’m engaged in 6 months and I made a snarky remark about how pigs would fly and everyone went silent the wheels in my head began to spin. Why the hell would he want that? Crap, did I say the wrong thing and now he thinks I wouldn’t want to be? What the hell! How can you want to be? Jesus you would say yes! He isn’t that serious, he enjoys my company and he likes the kids but he isn’t thet serious. Hmm my name and his last name would blend well together.
I attempted to give my head a shake as we walked to dinner. We had decided to go for Indian food. Dinner was amazing but out of nowhere my stomach started to feel nauseous. We had to leave quickly and as we walked home I mentally scolded myself. Jesus what the hell! In the past 2 weeks he has been through so much, what the fuck body! I was frustrated I couldn’t ignore it and annoyed I couldn’t figure out what the hell caused it.
Once back here we just snuggled on my bed. As I cuddled against him waiting to feel better my mind went to wedding vows, to dresses and dances and him. How through these 2 weeks he has been a constant support and  safe place for me. Laying there beside him I was again floored as to why me? How could anyone let him go, and why on Earth would he want me? He dozed in and out of sleep and he never let me go. His hands would twitch against my body where he held me, and I would smile and snuggle closer. Eventually I slept as well.
When we woke up it was 10 and we decided to head back to his place for the night. The bed here is way to small for a good nights sleep. I was drifting in to sleep when he said something I didn’t catch and I had to ask him to say it again. I had told him earlier about my wedding filled thoughts and was silently worried I had been to intense. Blue and purple? Wedding colours. Here was this man, petting my hair and holding me close, and talking about wedding colours. I can’t remember what I said, maybe I laughed, I do know I squeezed him tighter. Sleep followed.
This morning he made me breakfast while we listened to vocal trance. As I watched him chop vegies and move around the kitchen I was again hit with how stupidlyv happy seeing him do day to day things made me. When he sang quietly to himself my ears perked up. I loved him in these small moments more then I have through out all our time. The food was amazing, but seeing him just, be, was more rewarding.
When we left his place I felt light from our time, from his love and his touch and his passion. In him I’ve found someone who can both calm and make me wild with just a touch. Today when he left, it didn’t feel like drowning, perhaps it’s because I have finally stopped treading water. My moments of self doubt will always come up, but today I can fully say I am safe. I have never felt so safe and loved and appreciated before. When I let him go today, I did so with the confidence of knowing he will come back. 


Getting there 

The house has sold! I wish this meant things could move forward for me, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck in limbo even longer. 
At least I have found someone to go through it with me. After the gong show of Z I was really jaded and scared. He left me with a hell of a lot more then hurt feelings. T has taken it all in stride though. He doesn’t calm me through text, or with words, but with his actions. When he pets my hair and holds me close it’s all that’s needed to put me at ease. In terms of the physical connection we have, that’s amazing as well. He isn’t arrogant but is able to take charge of me in such a way where I feel safe and loved, not dirty and used. Even in our passion he puts me at ease. He has met the kids a few times now and he says he is here for the long haul. This blows my mind.
I go back to work on the 9th of August. This year has held so much change for me, it’s bitter sweet. I can’t believe S will be one soon! I hope things continue to get better for all of us 

It didn’t take long¬†

You filled me with fakereassurances and literaly left me in your bed. You didn’t have the courage to leave me before taking me back to your place and having your way. You told me you adapt to what people need in your mind. Was the entire time with me just you doing so? You haven’t said a word to me all day, and I doubt you will speak to me again. You are a new level of low and your insecurity issues are the universes way of rewarding you for being garbage! 


My hair is pink again! I’m glad I’m back to normal for the most part in that regard. I didn’t make it home in time to say bye to the kids before they left. I face timed them when I got home and it helped a lot. I find the days they are not with me to be really hard. 
Things with me and Z are going good. He tells me I am beautiful multiple times a day, and says I have nothing to worry about. My mind is really frustrating at times though. I trust him deeply alrrady, I have no worries about him doing anything to hurt me. I feel like I’m the problem again. 
He opened up to me about a past partner who wanted to see him all the time and how it became to much. I don’t want that to happen with me and him so I don’t bring things up, it’s a frustrating situation because my logic tells me nothing is a problem. Emotional me on the other hand wants way to much from him at once and I’m having to do this strange balancing act, 
I know so much of this is caused by the situation I’m in, when the kids go I feel alone and want Z close, I know it’s not his responsibility though to look after me like that. I know he is trying to show me to deal on my own, and I’m trying my best. I just don’t do well with all this time on my hands. 
I think back to all my relationships and at the beginning we saw ea hither all the time. When I actually stop and look at all the time me and Z have spent together in just 2 weeks it’s actually a lot so I don’t know what the hell my problem is. God damn I frustrate myself! I don’t know if I will ever show him this blog because he really might run the other way. 
Tomorrow we are going to a bday party and then either here or to his place. All of this, these stupid thoughts they all go silent when I’m with him. I wish I knew how to deal better when I’m not. He is a amazing guy and I’m frightened if I don’t get a handle on my bullshit it will self destruct things before they have a chance to grow. 
He leaves for 2 weeks on the 23 and I keep trying to talk myself through it. He really needs the time back with his family and as his partner I will not take away from that with my own needs. I really hope he misses me just a bit though. He is very good at keeping me guessing and I think his family and friends will keep him busy enough to not do so, i wish I had his emotional strength. 

I meant to post this yesterday 

It speaks volumes I had to reread my last post to figure out it has not even bend 2 weeks for me and Z. This coming Saturday will bring fhat mile stone. I still can’t believe it! Every time I am around that man I feel like I have received the gift to top all gifts! Every time he tells me something new I feel lucky to share his time and thoughts. Things are going amazingly well and my days are spent feeling for the most part happy. 
Things with E are a little difficult at times. Considering y he is only 4 he is handling things as good as to be expected. I think in the long run resiliency will be a valuable tool and he will pull through the divorce. He is really taken with Z and I think seeing me so happy helps him manage all his own emotions. The house should be sold in the next few weeks and then I will be able to start my fresh chapter. 

A update! 

So much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. After returning from Mexico it has been such a crazy emotional ride and I’m still clinging on to anything I can so as not to fall. All my friends and family know the details, but writing is therapeutic to me in ways. For a while I had been writing a personal journal but I wasn’t very good about keeping it up to date. I hope doing it this way will help me in that regard. 
I finally found the strength and self worth to walk away. It took so long for me to do so, because I believed what I was told. I thought I would be alone, that no one would want me with my low vision and my two kids and my stretched body. After people like josh and Romeo built me up on a bunch of lies I was really just a huge mess. When I returned home from meeting my friend though, I realized I couldn’t be held captive to that fear any longer. 
June the 11 was when I showed up at my parents, at the time my dominant had gave me the push I needed to leave, it was the only good thing he gave me and I thank him for helping me find my strength. Getting out the door was the hardest part, just as it was before. When two people love one another but are just not comparable the idea of leaving is heavy with a lot of guilt. Why can’t I make it enough? It took two weeks of self doubt and emotional ping pong for me to realize why. 
In those weeks a lot happened to me. I realized that I don’t need a dominant, especially one who builds himself up on lies. It only took two weeks for Romeo to leave me, and it was less then a week after I shared his bed. Just like josh he built me up on reassurances, and just like Josh I believed every single one. I was not in the best mind set emotionally and I thought what I needed was someone to lean on. He informed me, when I was at my most vulnerable, I was to much work. It could have broke me. I could have cried and beat myself up for being to trusting, for giving to much of myself to soon, but I stood tall. Meter again will I be made to feel shame for how I love. If anyone tells me to control my forest fire of emotions I will be the one to walk away with out a second look. I am bright and strong and a fierce lover who will give you all I have. If you can’t stand beside me with your head held high in price, as o will do so beside you, don’t bother with words, this is something I want to pass on to my children. Be you, never apologize or turn in to something you are not for a man or a woman. Own you, be loud and fierce and bold. 
The day Romeo gave up on me, from fear and doubt, I met someone who showed me exactly how love should be. At first I dug in my heals and resisted. After being hurt so many times I was cautious and disillusioned. I held back because I was afraid my intensity would make him run from me like the others had. I wasn’t doing it for him, he kept telling me to let go, but fear held me firmly, this boy with his laugh and his gentle hands and firm reassurances chipped away at that fear every time he made me laugh. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so much like me, wr talked on the phone for 8 hours before I saw his face in person. I laughed on those phone calls more then I have in the past 9 years. 
Before we met he knew it all, I’m not one to hold back details like I tried to do with my emotions. He surprisingly still wanted to see me even with the two kids and the separation and the blind thing, when I saw him for the first time I felt like he had walked out of my mind, the amount we laughed over dinner, how we sang and joked and smiled, I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before. When he left at 1am that first night he had proven to me he wasn’t looking for games. 
So many things stand out for me about that first meeting, the most signjfigsnt was when he told me to give him my emotions, all the intensity he could tell I was holding back. He made it very clear he would not be intimidated by it, that he would match it. I didn’t believe him, but I did it anyways. Everything I couldn’t say went in to that kiss. When he drew me back from him, and then reciprocated I knew he wasn’t exaggerating. He met me Step for step and in that moment I knew this would be how it is for us.
When he looked at me next, with his hand on my cheek he spoke to me with such conviction that disbelief was not a option. He told me I would not intimidate him, that he would meet me head on and not back down. That was the point when something started to shift in me. In a few days it would fall away completely. 
I had told myself I wouldn’t let anyone see the kids right away. But multiple days on the phone and the feeling of comfort this man made me feel didn’t allow room for doubt or second thoughts. When he met Evan for the first time I heard them both laugh . watching him fly my son around in the pool, hearing them laugh together, the last reservation fell away and I admired to myself that somehow I already loved him, as the night went on he met me stride for stride again and seeing my hesitation told me he felt the same, he provided the reassurance I needed to say the words out loud. 
When I told Bryan about him I knew this man had somehow became very important to me, I held my head high and had no room for doubt, something so powerful should not be kept in the dark. Z had taken me head on and I will do the same. 
It’s hard to believe it has only been a week yesterday from when he came in to my life. I have learnt so much in such a short time, I am worth it. I deserve to feel these things. Loving someone who loves you wlth confidence and pride is the best feeling in the world. Waking up knowing that even with the kids and my eyes and all the messy separation stuff he wants me makes me glow. He doesn’t dim me down he matches my shine and I feel more alive then I ever have. I am so greatful for whatever entity gave him to me, even if it was just the internet. I have found something I really truly believed I never would and I feel very happy. 
I know in the weeks to come things will get hard. I still have good and bad days, I am enough on my own, but with him beside me the hard days are not nearly as hard,