A update! 

So much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. After returning from Mexico it has been such a crazy emotional ride and I’m still clinging on to anything I can so as not to fall. All my friends and family know the details, but writing is therapeutic to me in ways. For a while I had been writing a personal journal but I wasn’t very good about keeping it up to date. I hope doing it this way will help me in that regard. 
I finally found the strength and self worth to walk away. It took so long for me to do so, because I believed what I was told. I thought I would be alone, that no one would want me with my low vision and my two kids and my stretched body. After people like josh and Romeo built me up on a bunch of lies I was really just a huge mess. When I returned home from meeting my friend though, I realized I couldn’t be held captive to that fear any longer. 
June the 11 was when I showed up at my parents, at the time my dominant had gave me the push I needed to leave, it was the only good thing he gave me and I thank him for helping me find my strength. Getting out the door was the hardest part, just as it was before. When two people love one another but are just not comparable the idea of leaving is heavy with a lot of guilt. Why can’t I make it enough? It took two weeks of self doubt and emotional ping pong for me to realize why. 
In those weeks a lot happened to me. I realized that I don’t need a dominant, especially one who builds himself up on lies. It only took two weeks for Romeo to leave me, and it was less then a week after I shared his bed. Just like josh he built me up on reassurances, and just like Josh I believed every single one. I was not in the best mind set emotionally and I thought what I needed was someone to lean on. He informed me, when I was at my most vulnerable, I was to much work. It could have broke me. I could have cried and beat myself up for being to trusting, for giving to much of myself to soon, but I stood tall. Meter again will I be made to feel shame for how I love. If anyone tells me to control my forest fire of emotions I will be the one to walk away with out a second look. I am bright and strong and a fierce lover who will give you all I have. If you can’t stand beside me with your head held high in price, as o will do so beside you, don’t bother with words, this is something I want to pass on to my children. Be you, never apologize or turn in to something you are not for a man or a woman. Own you, be loud and fierce and bold. 
The day Romeo gave up on me, from fear and doubt, I met someone who showed me exactly how love should be. At first I dug in my heals and resisted. After being hurt so many times I was cautious and disillusioned. I held back because I was afraid my intensity would make him run from me like the others had. I wasn’t doing it for him, he kept telling me to let go, but fear held me firmly, this boy with his laugh and his gentle hands and firm reassurances chipped away at that fear every time he made me laugh. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so much like me, wr talked on the phone for 8 hours before I saw his face in person. I laughed on those phone calls more then I have in the past 9 years. 
Before we met he knew it all, I’m not one to hold back details like I tried to do with my emotions. He surprisingly still wanted to see me even with the two kids and the separation and the blind thing, when I saw him for the first time I felt like he had walked out of my mind, the amount we laughed over dinner, how we sang and joked and smiled, I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before. When he left at 1am that first night he had proven to me he wasn’t looking for games. 
So many things stand out for me about that first meeting, the most signjfigsnt was when he told me to give him my emotions, all the intensity he could tell I was holding back. He made it very clear he would not be intimidated by it, that he would match it. I didn’t believe him, but I did it anyways. Everything I couldn’t say went in to that kiss. When he drew me back from him, and then reciprocated I knew he wasn’t exaggerating. He met me Step for step and in that moment I knew this would be how it is for us.
When he looked at me next, with his hand on my cheek he spoke to me with such conviction that disbelief was not a option. He told me I would not intimidate him, that he would meet me head on and not back down. That was the point when something started to shift in me. In a few days it would fall away completely. 
I had told myself I wouldn’t let anyone see the kids right away. But multiple days on the phone and the feeling of comfort this man made me feel didn’t allow room for doubt or second thoughts. When he met Evan for the first time I heard them both laugh . watching him fly my son around in the pool, hearing them laugh together, the last reservation fell away and I admired to myself that somehow I already loved him, as the night went on he met me stride for stride again and seeing my hesitation told me he felt the same, he provided the reassurance I needed to say the words out loud. 
When I told Bryan about him I knew this man had somehow became very important to me, I held my head high and had no room for doubt, something so powerful should not be kept in the dark. Z had taken me head on and I will do the same. 
It’s hard to believe it has only been a week yesterday from when he came in to my life. I have learnt so much in such a short time, I am worth it. I deserve to feel these things. Loving someone who loves you wlth confidence and pride is the best feeling in the world. Waking up knowing that even with the kids and my eyes and all the messy separation stuff he wants me makes me glow. He doesn’t dim me down he matches my shine and I feel more alive then I ever have. I am so greatful for whatever entity gave him to me, even if it was just the internet. I have found something I really truly believed I never would and I feel very happy. 
I know in the weeks to come things will get hard. I still have good and bad days, I am enough on my own, but with him beside me the hard days are not nearly as hard, 


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