My hair is pink again! I’m glad I’m back to normal for the most part in that regard. I didn’t make it home in time to say bye to the kids before they left. I face timed them when I got home and it helped a lot. I find the days they are not with me to be really hard. 
Things with me and Z are going good. He tells me I am beautiful multiple times a day, and says I have nothing to worry about. My mind is really frustrating at times though. I trust him deeply alrrady, I have no worries about him doing anything to hurt me. I feel like I’m the problem again. 
He opened up to me about a past partner who wanted to see him all the time and how it became to much. I don’t want that to happen with me and him so I don’t bring things up, it’s a frustrating situation because my logic tells me nothing is a problem. Emotional me on the other hand wants way to much from him at once and I’m having to do this strange balancing act, 
I know so much of this is caused by the situation I’m in, when the kids go I feel alone and want Z close, I know it’s not his responsibility though to look after me like that. I know he is trying to show me to deal on my own, and I’m trying my best. I just don’t do well with all this time on my hands. 
I think back to all my relationships and at the beginning we saw ea hither all the time. When I actually stop and look at all the time me and Z have spent together in just 2 weeks it’s actually a lot so I don’t know what the hell my problem is. God damn I frustrate myself! I don’t know if I will ever show him this blog because he really might run the other way. 
Tomorrow we are going to a bday party and then either here or to his place. All of this, these stupid thoughts they all go silent when I’m with him. I wish I knew how to deal better when I’m not. He is a amazing guy and I’m frightened if I don’t get a handle on my bullshit it will self destruct things before they have a chance to grow. 
He leaves for 2 weeks on the 23 and I keep trying to talk myself through it. He really needs the time back with his family and as his partner I will not take away from that with my own needs. I really hope he misses me just a bit though. He is very good at keeping me guessing and I think his family and friends will keep him busy enough to not do so, i wish I had his emotional strength. 


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