What a weekend 

I can’t believe that in just over a week I will be going back to work! It figures as soon as I start to come in to my own here work has to come in to the mix and make things stressful again. Being back at square one with them having no idea what they will do with me again is really frustrating! Now more then ever though, I need the money.
Friday and Thursday night without the kids was hard as usual. When I’m in my own place I will be able to keep myself busy with stuff that needs to be done, here though I just sit on my phone. 
This week wasn’t bad at all though! We finally got together with the guys to play cards against humanity, and for dinner. I was happy T finally was able to meet more of my close friends. Wait! Time runs together so much, I just realized I have spent the last 3 nights with T and now I’m sitting here grinning like a idiot. Thursday after we finished up with the guys he decided to stay here. Falling asleep with him holding me is so amazing! He had to leave early Friday morning for work, but he still stayed.
After work on Friday he came back out to get me. He has been driving so much for me, on top of everything ellse he does, and I just feel so lucky to have found such a genuinely caring man. 
We went for dinner and then watched a few movies. Heh, I just realized I have another drink still at his place 🙂 The movies were good, both very interesting from a psychological view point. We did this thread on Facebook where we post thoughts as they surface while we drink and watch the movies. I thought it was a lot of fun! It’s silly but when he shares his “things” with me I feel failed and special. 
Yesterday we went to IHOP for breakfast. We both had French toast and I stole some of his bacon. I was happy to have coffee as well. When we are out together and he touches my arm lightly, or puts his arm around me I feel so secure and loved. The way our dynamic is working is really powerful. I love submitting to him because it’s not even a thing I have to think of, he is just such a nurturing strong confidant partner it happens on its own. I wouldn’t want to be in anyone else’s hands.
After breakfast we stopped at the grocery store and then headed back to his place. It’s ridiculous how giddy doing something so normal made me feel. I guess because it’s something two people living together would do? Regardless when we went through the store I just kept thinking how right this feels.
When we finished up mom called me and told me Cici had been sick. I felt terrable as T had just purchased stuff for dinner. We had to come back all the way out here but he didn’t grumble at all, just took care of it. When we got home and my parents were not here, it was obvious they expected him to take me to the vet. For a moment the insecurities crept in. Again, so much is being put on him, by no fault of my own, but still. Will he be frustrated? Will he back away? Nope, I was frustrated, that they would just throw me at him like a inconvenience they couldn’t wait to brush off. He didn’t complain as he took me and Cici to the vet. While I waited for the vet to come look at the dog he stood beside me, gently petting my hair or stroking my arm. All of it melts away when he touches me. 
Cici was given pills for the next week and we think she ate something. We headed back after the vet and talked to mom and dad for a bit. Dad thinks I need to take things slow, but it’s hard for me to sit on my hands here. When a remark was made about what if I’m engaged in 6 months and I made a snarky remark about how pigs would fly and everyone went silent the wheels in my head began to spin. Why the hell would he want that? Crap, did I say the wrong thing and now he thinks I wouldn’t want to be? What the hell! How can you want to be? Jesus you would say yes! He isn’t that serious, he enjoys my company and he likes the kids but he isn’t thet serious. Hmm my name and his last name would blend well together.
I attempted to give my head a shake as we walked to dinner. We had decided to go for Indian food. Dinner was amazing but out of nowhere my stomach started to feel nauseous. We had to leave quickly and as we walked home I mentally scolded myself. Jesus what the hell! In the past 2 weeks he has been through so much, what the fuck body! I was frustrated I couldn’t ignore it and annoyed I couldn’t figure out what the hell caused it.
Once back here we just snuggled on my bed. As I cuddled against him waiting to feel better my mind went to wedding vows, to dresses and dances and him. How through these 2 weeks he has been a constant support and  safe place for me. Laying there beside him I was again floored as to why me? How could anyone let him go, and why on Earth would he want me? He dozed in and out of sleep and he never let me go. His hands would twitch against my body where he held me, and I would smile and snuggle closer. Eventually I slept as well.
When we woke up it was 10 and we decided to head back to his place for the night. The bed here is way to small for a good nights sleep. I was drifting in to sleep when he said something I didn’t catch and I had to ask him to say it again. I had told him earlier about my wedding filled thoughts and was silently worried I had been to intense. Blue and purple? Wedding colours. Here was this man, petting my hair and holding me close, and talking about wedding colours. I can’t remember what I said, maybe I laughed, I do know I squeezed him tighter. Sleep followed.
This morning he made me breakfast while we listened to vocal trance. As I watched him chop vegies and move around the kitchen I was again hit with how stupidlyv happy seeing him do day to day things made me. When he sang quietly to himself my ears perked up. I loved him in these small moments more then I have through out all our time. The food was amazing, but seeing him just, be, was more rewarding.
When we left his place I felt light from our time, from his love and his touch and his passion. In him I’ve found someone who can both calm and make me wild with just a touch. Today when he left, it didn’t feel like drowning, perhaps it’s because I have finally stopped treading water. My moments of self doubt will always come up, but today I can fully say I am safe. I have never felt so safe and loved and appreciated before. When I let him go today, I did so with the confidence of knowing he will come back. 


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