Roller coaster few days 

Things have calmed down now, but yesterday was really hard. T took it all in stride though and was there for me through it all, and then some.
I thought I would be productive and go to the bank yesterday to look at getting a new credit card in my name and looking in to mortgage stuff. With the  what I make I don’t qualify for enough. I was also told to wait on a credit card  for now. 
When I returned to the car I saw T had texted me. He unexpectedly had a short day at school and asked if I was up for a call. I suggested he come for a visit, and he surprised me when he agreed. If I knew how much of a shit show the day was going to turn in to I would have not been so stressed from the bank.
When he arrived I was overwhelmed from the bank, feeling stuck and cornered. That was the first time I cried  in front of him. Curled up in his lap with my head on his shoulder while he gently placed with my hair. My dad saw me crying and it led to some independent talking. I now have a plan, I hope, but I still wanted legal advice.
The lawyer was a joke. My already frayed nerves were put even more on edge from the garbage this woman was spouting. To make a long story short, extra money is not worth giving up my  morality for. T had came along with me and mom, and on the ride home he saw the angry frantic side of me. For the most part he kept quiet, but from time to time he would squeeze my hand or touch me, and I loved him more then the anger I felt in those moments. 
When home we filled dad in about the gong show, and then had dinner. T drove me to kids up a cheese cake and at some point I was informed mom and dad were going away. As I type, they are still not home. I was upset and stressed with everything going on and anxiety took its hold. Not being in my own place is super hard at  times. 
Anyways after cake they left and B showed up with the kids. E came in crying about missing daddy already. It escalated and I got more of the I don’t love or miss you from E. While b struggled to put E to bed I cried again when T could see. He moved to me, told me E didn’t mean it, and said he would stay with me. Thiseant a 5 am wake up. This meant sitting silently while I cried more to my ex husband, who didn’t blink, about how going through this with E was killing me. This meant bringing me back to a level of calm only T could. This meant a hot room and a shit sleep, arms around me even though he was melting. Words of reaffirmation and gentle kisses when he was exhausted. Washing  a bottle and dealing with a stupid puppy at 5 am, and he did it all. 
Then he came back  and did it all again. With next to no sleep. He comes back and plays with the kids and loves me and touches me and blows me away. He did the dishes, he freeking ordered dinner! He played with Sylvia and still found time for me. Then he informs me I will have him from Thursday till Sunday!
How is this my life? It’s crazy and messy and even when it’s terrible I’m so greatful to have found this man. He gives and gives and no flower or chocolate or candle would ever mean anything close to the mindfulness and commitment he shows me every day. I have no idea how I ever did without. Unity feels good for the first time in a long time! 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s