Sleepless night 

Things are glorious. Most days I feel like I’m floating in a dream. I was unable to sleep last night. I lay beside him and listened to him breathe and my mind went to vows. I know I’m crazy. 
As I listened and thought I once again realized how lucky I am. After the hardest times oh my life I have found the person I want to share the rest of it with. I still don’t know how it happened but I have no doubts about where I belong. I have never felt anything so strongly.
I think for the long weekend we are taking the kids to meet his mother. Something has changed in him and he is giving me all the security I need. He moved more of his stuff in. Somehow he is proud to have me. 
Looking ahead to xmas we plan to see his family just us when the kids go to B. I can’t wait to spoil T for Xmas and decorate the house and pick out a real tree perhaps. 
We plan to take the kids out on Monday, and tonight is Stranger Things marathon night. I’m thrilled to be experiencing all these things with a partner who actually wants and values me. I hope I make him feel the same way.

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The perfection of security is so amazing. Things have been going so well I feel like one day I’ll wake up and be grasping for these times. We fit so well together in so many ways. I feel like I’ve waited for this for so long. 
I was worried how things would go when T saw the kids again. I had anxiety that he would, for one reason or another, feel like it was to much and pull back from me. He didn’t though and now that all the drama has passed we can just be together and it’s fantastic. 
I went so long with so many things missing. Now that I have all ive wanted it’s hard to accept I am worthy of it. I’m not putting him on a pedestal, he really just does balance me out. He has seen me at my most vulnerable and at my lowest point and he is still here. I’ll never understand why. 
Watching him play with S last night filled me with so much more love for him. When we went to bed and he filled my mind with complements it was everything I could to not to cry and just accept them. Self worth issues are a long battle, but he makes all my doubts I held about my body go away. When he holds me in his arms, I feel worthy then. It’s when I think I doubt myself. 
I want nothing more then to be enough for him. I hope I can make him feel even half of the happiness he makes me feel. 
Life is funny. I never thought I would have found everything I need in a partner. I have been told over and over that no one will check all my boxes. I know things will be hard, but with him for all the love and joy he brings my way, I will always fight for him, I hope he will fight when things get rough as well. The good times will always outweigh the bad with a love like this. 

Security 

The past few days have been really nice. Tuesday was spent with family and yesterday was spent with L and T. 
The kids got me some really thoughtful gifts. E was so excited about the kitty socks he picked out for me. The fact B took the time to pick out chocolates and bath salts from S was very kind. I also received some sheets from mom and grandma.
Yesterday was spent waiting around for a dry waller who never showed up and watching love never dies. 
When T arrived from work we headed out relatively quickly to see L. She had baked me a really nice chocolate cake and made amazing pasta for dinner. We didn’t stay that late though as we were both really tired.
When we were alone T gave me his gift. He didn’t even have to go to a store for it. He told me he was wanting to see the kids again. When I asked him why, he simply said because I miss you and don’t want them to be stopping me from seing you. 
I know it doesn’t sound like much, but coming from him it means the world. Knowing he wants to see me, that he actually wants to be around me makes me so happy. With what he said last night he has made me feel so much more secure in him and is. 
Today I woke up with a cold, I think T is getting it as well. B and R are coming over today though so I’m trying to feel better. I’m looking forward to seeing them and relaxing. 

This week has been rough so far. E has been especially difficult. One night he kept coming out of his room, and yesterday he had a huge tantrum when B dropped him off. When it’s rough with the kids i really miss having a partner beside me. 
Navigating tantrums and stretching myself so thin with out someone to lean on is rough. T has been really sweet through text and does his best to support me through text. While I appreciate it deeply, I’m eager for the day when we can fully function as a team. 
The last two nights I have not been sleeping well. I’m so used to sharing my bed with T that when he isn’t here it just doesn’t feel right. The way we sleep always touching, I love it. 
Tomorrow the kids leave in the morning, I was able to have a extra night with them so I can see them tomorrow morning. After that I think the plan is to spend some time with L and T. I’m looking forward to dinner with my friends and my love for my birthday. 

Taking comfort 

This week has been a roller coaster. Friday was especially busy. I had my first counselling appointment as well as a hair appointment to get my hair returned back to its normal color. Both went well.
The session with the counsellor was surprisingly productive. She told me about something called a fear ladder and that together with my partner I could work to strengthen myself against the things that trigger me. She also told me I already have a lot of tools I use to help me cope and that we should try to focus in on what is causing the anxiety and triggers instead of giving me tools to prevent them. I left the session feeling excited to have something to try.
When I was done with my hair and waxing T came over. I filled him in about the counselling session and what she had to say and he was happy to try and help me as best as he could. After that we decided to go for dinner to Bobby Sox and meet up with L. I think we all had a lot of fun, and I’m very happy to have such supportive friends around me.
When we came home from dinner we watched a few  episodea of Oreville. We both thought it was surprisingly good. Not so much a comedy as more of a drama/comedy.
 After the show we decided to head up to bed and test out triggering me. It went surprisingly well, I didn’t turn into a ball of trembling nerves this time. I did almost cry, but he was able to talk me down and bring me back to a place of calm. All in all I would say that it was a success.
Saturday was a blissful day of snuggling and relaxing in bed for the most part. Yesterday night we ended up going over to see L A few of her friends for dinner. We ended up staying quite late and playing cards against humanity. It was a blast!
We got home we ended up watching one episode of American horror story before heading to bed. I’m not really sure how I feel about the season so far. I don’t know if they should’ve gotten politics involved, but it is interesting and I will give it a few more episodes before I make my final opinion.
 When we woke up this morning we walked to McDonald’s for breakfast, and then to booster juice. Before he left he ended up reassuring me that he would come back and we are doing better. I know I have made my mistakes, but I do feel like going forward things are only going to get better for us both.

4 months 

I can’t believe it’s been that long. Just 120 days ago I walked out of the door of the home I brought my babies to when we left the hospital. I made the long over due choice to walk away from the man I had hoped to share my ljfe with. So much can happen in 120 days. 
3 relationships, 1 sti, 1 rape, 1 lost friend, countless mistakes. 1v patient lover, a new home, new selfless friends, hours of self discovery, and the continual journey of learning to love myself. 
I never thought I would have been strong enligh to leave. I never saw myself solo parenting my children. I thought leaving was pain, and then I was violated. Self worth issues are difficult at the best of times, but when your objectified they become a even bigger demon. I never guessed I would have something take control over my body the way the emotions caused from his violation have. 
But I am still here. Not only did I leave the house my babies came home to, but I did it with my head held high through my fears. I picked myself after someone did me the ultimate disservice and did what I had to in order to start to heal. The man I love returned to me because he must see things I don’t. 
I still make mistakes. I’m still very insecure and broken, but o keep my head held high. When I wake up I tell myself I’m strong, I’m beautiful, and I’m worth wanting, some mornings I have to force myself out of bed after saying it at least 10 tines. Other days I feel happy and only have to remind myself once. On days when the kids are being difficult I hide in the bathroom and tell myself those 3 things over and over. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I really believe the things I say, I hope if I continue to say them to myself that one day I will fully believe them. 

:(

I sleep wrapped around a pillow, wishing it was you Hoping you’ll forgive me for, the pain I put you through 

Hinesite is 20 20, but it doesn’t make things right 

And as I lay here sobbing I fear for what I’ve lost tonight 
Your trust, your calm, your will to just hold on it’s all shattered now 

My air, my words, they vanish in this hurt that I caused 

My lack of thought, has got us to this spot and I can’t believe

That you might not come home, that I might be alone

Baby please 

Do what you gotta do, and please take care of you, but don’t give up on me 
You said you needed space, to try and let me in again

And that for my own mental sake, i needed better friends

And when you left that morning, you said you would return 

Tears are sliding down my face and yet my skin it burns for what I’ve lost 
Your trust, your calm, your will to just hold on it’s all shattered now 

My air, my words, they vanish in this hurt that I caused 

My lack of thought, has got us to this spot and I can’t believe

That you might not come home, that I might be alone

Baby please 

Do what you gotta do, and please take care of you, but don’t give up on me 

Breath your air in to my lungs So I can live again

Run your hands across my skin 

So I can forget his touch 

Kiss me softly to numb this ache 

Hold me tightly until I fit together again 
I am such a broken mess waiting for your adoration 

If you loved me right I could shine for you again 

I’m so fragile if you pull back I’ll break in to fragments 
My head is stuck in a loop of pain 

Rock me until I break free 

Fill it with sweet whispers 

Until I only hear your voice 
Tell me I’m worth it so I can see myself again 

Tell me you want me so I know I’m worth the trouble 
Break for me so I can see your shards 

Handle you with the care you show me 

Let me in so you can see I’m worth the hassle