Day 2

Somehow fhis time around is easier because I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I know nothing I did or said would have changed his mind. Somehow this makes it easier, until I think about it longer.

When I do that I know he won’t come back. I realize he probably didn’t want to be here in the first place but his guilt made him feel obligated. I remember how I felt when I believed he was here out of love and not guilt.

He made up his mind to help, and then he made up his mind to leave. The only reason he would ever come back was if he made up his mind to do so. With me the unknown variables are just to great. He was right in saying hoping for him to change his mind to stay would be like hoping for a miracle.

I still do though. Maybe after he is alone for a while with out me pushing him to stay he will figure out it wasn’t so bad after all. If he did I don’t believe he would ever tell me though and that makes me more sad then him going.

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Insomnia

Trying to stay up until I pass out. Taking a page from his book. I don’t want to go up to my room because that bed was his. I washed the sheets but it’s still his. That room is his. It’s where I found him over and over and now I’ll be alone in it. I don’t want to go up there.

His mom reached out to me apologizing for what happened. She told me she would have welcomed me and the kids in to her family. I wish he had been able to make room for them in his life.

I keep wishing he would come back. That after some time alone he will give his head a shake and realize what he gave up on. I know he won’t, but I’m the idiot who would take him back.

Pain

Well he left. He said the kids took up to much of his time, and he never wanted kids. I would write something bitter and angry but I’m crying to hard to see my phone and it wouldn’t help anyways. I would only feel foolish later.

Communication and vulnerability

It’s interesting how hard it is to talk to t. Most people might read that and see it as a bad thing, but I find it to be a positive.

When I spoke to him last night about everything on my mind I was physically shaking. Having self worth issues makes it incredibly difficult to express my needs. Doing this with a partner who isn’t totally submissive towards me is terrifying.

All my past partners were “easy” in the sence I could say or ask for anything, and I knew they would try to accommodate me or agree. Being so empathetic meant I would always be mindful, or try to be when asking for things, but I didn’t have to worry about them leaving because they felt I wasn’t worth it.

With t, because he is strong willed and dominant I have that constant anxiety. Even though I’m a terrable sub when it comes to him as I still push for my needs, I still do it trying to keep his first over mine. So while I told him how I was feeling, I did it with the full expectation he would shrug his shoulders and tell me he was done with me.

Surprisingly instead of doing that, he did his best to reassure me, while I accepted it in rhe moment, I guess I’m still struggling through anxiety as all night I had dreams of him leaving. Regardless he is still here, when I made myself messy and vulnerable to him. I’m going to try harder to take care of him, and hesitate less when I need him to do the same for me.

Ramblings

Last week was really hard on me. So many ups and downs and while we resolved it in left feeling unstable and insecure.

I’m afraid we to ask for more then I’m getting because if I do I feel like to much work and he might run. I’m scared if I keep quiet it’ll fester in to something bigger then it is, but what if I say something and I’m just being sensitive and it’s nothing and I do more damage?

I ask him multiple times a day if he is okay, and he says he is. The hard thing is, it’s the same way he said it at his moms. What if he is only okay in the moment and all of a sudden he isn’t again? I just keep circling this around in my head and it’s so counterproductive to things.

Sometimes I feel like I’m so focused on what he needs I forget what I need. Then I feel like if I ask for what I need it’ll be to much because he has made lots of changes for me and what if he feels like I won’t recognize or appreciate those changes

It has to get easier. I refuse to be one of those people who gives up when it’s hard. The hope is if I keep my eyes forward it will get better. But what if I become resentful because he escapes in to games instead of me? What if he is right and I do expect more out of him in terms of involvement with the kids and it’s to much for him? Whey if I’m asking for to much and no one will ever be enough like Bryan said when I left?

I try my best to not be unreasonable. I’m scared he is here because I pushed him, just like I pushed Bryan and one say resentment will build on both sides and then we just won’t want one another any more.

Life has to be more then games and sex and food and sleep. What if it’s not with him? God I love the physical thoigh, no one has made me feel so valued in those moments. Maybe I’m the issue, like I’ve come to realize I was with Bryan.

I guess it’s all trust issues right now. I can’t believe him when he says he is okay and happy. That makes everything difffoxult. I know balance is important to him, so how come it feels to me like this isn’t? Maybe I’m the broken one here?

So much rambling. I really need to give my head a shake and focus on the positive or doubt is going to make this implode fast. Dispite it all we did have a good weekend,

E had a good time at the birthday party. T got in some game time. I enjoyed some girl time. All good things. I just wish it didn’t feel like holding on to unstable rocks. Loving someone is terrifying.

This is fear

Of you leaving when it gets hard

Of change and all the questions it leaves unanswered for you

Of being vulnerable and letting someone close to you

Or not always having your way

Of not being good enough for you

Of you hurting me again

Of me hurting you again

Of failing

Of succeeding and what changes it brings

Of falling down

Of all the work it takes to get back up

Of legging go of safety nets

Of the voice of self doubt

Of the past scars

Of the possibility of future ones

Of letting go of control

Of taking control

Of being to weak

Of being to strong

It’s easy to let it take hold of you. Then your making choices you regret minutes later. Instead of letting it define us, let’s work together to silence them all.

This is love

When he pushes pash his discomfort from introversion and puts up with all the workers in your house.

When he stays up late with you after gaming to fit in some quality time together.

When he drives you out with little notice with no passive agression or complaints to pick something up.

When he takes you to meet his mother, with your two kids.

When he juggles keeping the baby safe and watching the 4 year old on the ferry over.

When he steps up and puts the 4 year old in time out because it’s a new enviorbmwnt and he knows I’m not familiar enligh with it to act quickly.

When at 5 in the morning I’m full of anxiety about the 4 year old waking up scared when asked to check on him he does so with out making you feel foolish when he is safe and sleeping in his bed.

When while juggling breakfast for the kids he takes the time to peel and hand you a orange.

I say it all the time. How much I love him but he still finds ways to blow me away

Good and bad

The past few days have been filled with ups and downs. Life keeps me on my toes, but I’m over all happy.

Friday T wasn’t feeling well so he took a sick day from work. Unexpected time with him always makes me so happy. Even if we have no plans, just being around him feels amazing. The fire place was installed that day, and we found out there is a leak in the wall. Stress levels were high so I was even more thankful he was there beside me.

Saturday was a girls day as he went off to his game thing. I spent most of the day with K. We went shopping and then out for dinner.

When I came back home me and L decided to go see a movie. We were just about to leave when T came home early. I squealed and ran to him. I’m my own terrable movie! Seriously though, this is love.

The movie was really good! Getting out with my friends is always so much fun. I’m happy I have found such a supportive partner who encourages it.

Sunday was a hard day. I decided to visit my parents as T was at his game thing again. Right off the bat my dad started going off on me. He was pissed the kids were coming home later that day. I told him it was to balance out this weekend because they were coming home early, but he didn’t care.

Self worth issues suck. Having him pick me apart over something I’m already not feeling guilt over really sucks. I just kept quiet as normal.

When the kids did get back E had a melt down. I sat on the floor and cried right along with him. These outbursts are emotionally draining. I would like to think seeing me cry helped, but who knows.

Once he calmed down we went out for dinner. When I came home me and T had some pie and talked a bit before bed. His calm and level headed approach to difficult situations is another thing I value about him. He does it in such a way where it’s not cold and lacking empathy and emotion, but level enough with logic to give me something to hold on to.

Monday was mostly spend with missy as E was at preschool. When he came home we watched a little tv and then he went to the hockey game with my dad. He was so excited!

As it was just the 3 of us most of the night it was relatively low key. T played the switch while I played with missy and then we headed off to bed. On days when it’s just us and the “baby” I fight the urge of wanting to give him one of his own. Seeing him play with S, allowing her to crawl all over him while he played his game, it made me love him even more. I don’t really have words for the feelings I felt while watching them, but it makes me so happy. I have no doubts he would be a amazing father, gentle, patient, and firm enough to guide and protect. I love this man.

Tuesday was another rough day. E told me he wished I was dead again so he could stay with his dad. Then we had fun unboxing my new vacuum. With him I feel like it’s a lot of ups and downs. He really enjoyed helping me take everything out of the box though, so we did have some good fun.

His friend N came over for a few hours before Bryan’s dad picked him and S up. They had fun playing together. I hope they continue to enjoy one another’s company as I feel it’s good for E to have some friends.

When the kids left me and T went and picked up a few things from the store and then just had a low key night. I did laundry and he played more Zelda before turning in for the night.

All in all the past few days have been positive. The highlights were deffinitly T spending unexpected time with me, and dad taking E to the hockey game. The time with friends and the fire place are also awesome!

The next few weeks should be exciting for us both. Meeting T mom, a concert, a birthday party, and then T birthday. Life just keeps moving forward. I’m fortunate to share mine with such a amazing man and supportive friends.

Balance 

He often talks about this. 

Last night I was frustrated. I vented to him about B and I guess after listening to my tirade he had heard enough.

The tone of his voice stopped me. While he is often quiet, his voice is very expressive. I am glad he trusts me enough to tell me when I’m frustrating him. I’m proud I noticed and stopped to check in with him.

Hearing about B all the time when he can’t fix it frustrates him. Seeing me so angry annoys him. The fact he called me out on it, makes me love him even more.

Don’t get me wrong, it also makes me want to run circles of damage control. It makes me want to cling and make sure I have not broken things. I’m not used to a partner with a strong will. I value it immensely, but the submissive in me has to learn how to handle it.

Not every observation is Armageddon. When I ruffle his feathers, it doesn’t mean he will wash his hands of me. These experiences are opportunities for growth, not bolt risks.

I think it’s just that I want to make him proud. I want to do my best to not drive him crazy because he is such a safe place to me, and I love and value him deeply.

When it was said and done, we fell asleep snuggled up. This morning he held me for 10 minutes as he always does. These actions, his commitment and stability will eventually calm the  immediate response of damage control when no real damage has been done.

It’s a response I fully recognize and know isn’t logical. I’m working on it. With time and patience I know I will get there. For now though, I’m just eager to see him again. This feeling is something I will always try to be my best for.