Best he ever had

Not good enough apparently.

He still left.

He still reestablished his “friendship” with both his fuck toys

He still walked away.

Why them? What do they have I don’t? Or, what do I have that he doesn’t want?

I keep thinking, maybe he made up the Karen thing, so I would block him. I want for that to be the case, but I literally have bogging to hold on to any more. Was he talking to her all along? Had He never let her go?

How can I ever believe I’m enough when he not only leaves, but starts talking to a ex again?

He told me I was home. He told me I felt amazing, and when it was falling to wreckage around us, he thanked me. As if our love making was a transaction. Was he always just playing me? I gave him all of me. I knelt before him out of love and adoration. I looked up in to his face while we were one, and looking down in to mine he said, “I like playing with you”

I was not playing. I loved him deeply, and he threw me away. How long was he talking to her? How can I let him go? The anger and pain doesn’t silence his voice in my mind. The oh sweathearts, and the sounds he made in his sleep. It doesn’t erase the mornings when he would wake up early to hold me close. I can’t forget how he felt when he kissed my face, or touched my waist, or dominated me.

How do I move on when he made anything ellse feel empty? How can he talk to her again if physically at least we were compatible? At the end, he didn’t even want me like that. I clung to him like a sinking ship, and he kissed the top of my head. Then he left and I broke all over again.

It hurts. It really hurts. He cane back out of guilt, but I welcomed him with love. I really don’t know if for him love was ever part of it.


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