Last week was really hard on me. So many ups and downs and while we resolved it in left feeling unstable and insecure.
I’m afraid we to ask for more then I’m getting because if I do I feel like to much work and he might run. I’m scared if I keep quiet it’ll fester in to something bigger then it is, but what if I say something and I’m just being sensitive and it’s nothing and I do more damage?
I ask him multiple times a day if he is okay, and he says he is. The hard thing is, it’s the same way he said it at his moms. What if he is only okay in the moment and all of a sudden he isn’t again? I just keep circling this around in my head and it’s so counterproductive to things.
Sometimes I feel like I’m so focused on what he needs I forget what I need. Then I feel like if I ask for what I need it’ll be to much because he has made lots of changes for me and what if he feels like I won’t recognize or appreciate those changes
It has to get easier. I refuse to be one of those people who gives up when it’s hard. The hope is if I keep my eyes forward it will get better. But what if I become resentful because he escapes in to games instead of me? What if he is right and I do expect more out of him in terms of involvement with the kids and it’s to much for him? Whey if I’m asking for to much and no one will ever be enough like Bryan said when I left?
I try my best to not be unreasonable. I’m scared he is here because I pushed him, just like I pushed Bryan and one say resentment will build on both sides and then we just won’t want one another any more.
Life has to be more then games and sex and food and sleep. What if it’s not with him? God I love the physical thoigh, no one has made me feel so valued in those moments. Maybe I’m the issue, like I’ve come to realize I was with Bryan.
I guess it’s all trust issues right now. I can’t believe him when he says he is okay and happy. That makes everything difffoxult. I know balance is important to him, so how come it feels to me like this isn’t? Maybe I’m the broken one here?
So much rambling. I really need to give my head a shake and focus on the positive or doubt is going to make this implode fast. Dispite it all we did have a good weekend,
E had a good time at the birthday party. T got in some game time. I enjoyed some girl time. All good things. I just wish it didn’t feel like holding on to unstable rocks. Loving someone is terrifying.