On Valentine’s Day and submission

From when I wrote my last post a bunch of things surfaced. Emotions resurfaced, fears and doubts came back, I felt small and worthless again. I was fhe terrable one, the abuser, not good enough.

Trauma bonding is much fhe same I think, as how a alcoholic feels they need the drink. It was a brief interaction but it left me off balance and hurting, as it seems to more often these days. And again, it hurt him.

Yesterday aaa a day I felt undeserving of love. The broken part of me he left me with was stinging from cutting words. The way he painted me towards you, the empathetic part of me hated myself because I can always see the worst in myself. I am terrable, unkind, broken, not deserving of anyone, broken.

I came home to gifts I felt I didn’t deserve. A beautiful bouquet of flowers, chocolates, a massage I need to book, him. I came home to him and I felt unworthy. I felt shame for being so weak, for the trauma that makes it so hard to harden myself to you. I felt low, worthless.

After deciding to go out for dinner I was in fhe process of changing in to a dress. I heard him walk in the room behind me and I continued. When he will came infront of me I didn’t meet his eyes. Keep going, don’t wreck the day because I’m so broken.

He lowered himself to his knees infront of me, and looked up in to my face. Something inside me snapped. I met his eyes and i searched for words. No one has ever knelt for me. No one. This wasn’t from a place of bedroom games. When he looked at me I believed it was with adoration, and it shook me. I do not know how to accept this, from anyone.

I am unkind, I am broken. I looked for attention from other men, even though my ex husband ignored my pleas, I strayed from the marriage, I unblocked Thomas, I continued the conversation, I am a terrable person. I can always blame myself before I blame others.

Standing there looking down in to his face I didn’t have words. I said something funny to distract myself from the intimacy of the moment. “That’s my job.” The room felt to small and I needed to be there with him. I couldn’t look at his adoration any more. I am unworthy. I folded myself on to his lap, kneeling with him. I tried to hide my face.

Then my dress was coming off. I had just put it on. His hands and his lips and his words all taking me away again. From my doubts about myself, from the negative voice in my mind constantly breaking me down, from any thoughts of what you left me with.

Again everything grew silent. My mind stopped and I knew I couldn’t turn back, be it from fear or self preservation or in attempts to push him away from me, because I’m a terrable person. I couldn’t do it any more. The person who wants you, it’s the destructive part of myself. The part who tells myself I am worthless, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am terrable, I need the pain you bring.

When he touches me, when he loves me, when he hammers it in to my head he wants me and will stay, that distructive part of me goes away. It had been dormant for the past while but you resurfacing made it come to the surface. It was hard.

But I am strong. I did not cry. I didn’t let it overpower me. Trauma bonding is no joke, but I am worth wanting. I am worth fighting for.

Lastnight while I sat across from him at the table and smiled like a idiot I knew u was his, All his. People do not function in black and white. I think I will struggle with the distructive parts of myself for a while. I know when it comes to you I am weak, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad personality, it means I am human, broken but not doing anything with the intent to hurt. I am in a constant battle with myself, but I still try my best to pick him. Because you are not good for me. Because he shows me every day that he is.

I belong to him. I am his. I am not perfect, I am not undamaged, sometimes I make poor choices, but I am his. I love him, and sometimes i hurt him, and in turn hurt myself. Yet, I am his. Somehow he looks at this terrable person and sees something worth fighting for. I should take a page from his book and learn to fight for what I deserve.

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On Protectors

I remember how when you touched me your hands trembled, and yet ironically I was the one to fall at your feet. My want to please you kept me in a constant state of eggshells and anxiety, never knowing if you wwre okay.

I begged you. I twisted myself up in knots over you, and it was all because I truley believed you would take care of me. I thought if I could just find the magic formula you would stay and all would be right in my world.

You told me you had me, and I gave you all I had in return. I never found the solution to make you stay and you left me and took your so called protection with you. You left me fragile and raw for people to pick apart. I was the only one to do the picking though.

So many nights I blamed myself. If I loved better, if I wasn’t so strong willed, if I submitted better, if I hadn’t pushed. I blamed myself. When I was angry, I blamed you. Then I felt guilty for blaming you and went back to blaming myself.

I nose dived in to a relationship to numb the pain you left me with. I hated myself because I was using him as a stop gap to keep me from you. I tried so hard to push him away because I was beginning to feel safe.

Everyone leaves.

I fried so hard to push him away. I told him i wanted to sleep with you becauae he wasn’t enough. I hurt him because I thought he was going to leave anyways. I thought I was protecting myself.

I told him if he didn’t leave his job and take care of himself he needed to leave. I fully expected him to.

Everyone leaves when I feel safe. I was beating him to it by forcing his hand.

He quit his job, and my plan of protecting myself fell on its head.

He held me many times as I cried. I cried over you. I cried for the terrable person I am. For pushing someone genuine away. Because o hurt him out of fear and nothing more. I cried because I was scared.

Everyone leaves.

Here I was again in someone’s arms as I broke apart. He said he would stay. I didn’t want to believe him. I fight to make myself not believe him.

Everyone leaves.

He had to pull my needs put of me, and when I revealed them it felt like jumping off the side of a high rise. If I ask for something, it will be to much and he will leave. I was still tripping on your eggshells. I respobddd as if he were you. My body shut down and I frantically tried to distance myself.

Everyone leaves. I am to much.

He didn’t shut down. He didn’t push me back. He pulled me closer. He reassured me, over and over. I faught against it. To believe him meant to let go.

He listened. He ran his hands over me, and made me respond in ways I thought were for you alone. He managed to make me feel all the ways you had, and there were no eggshells. Just his constant reassurances. J still struggled.

Everyone leaves. People get comfortable. Sparks burn out. This is temporary.

Yesterday we took family photos together. I guess fhis is my attempt to make it “real” to silence the doubt in my mind. I tried to ignore the voice of doubt in my mind.

He could still leave.

While getting pictures done, we had to wait briefly in position. We were instructed to look at each other with our foreheads touching.

I rubbed my nose against his and looked in to his face. Our lips touched. Suddenly it was warmer in the room. The kids faded away. The photographer faded away. The doubts grew silent for the shortest moment.

When reality came back it was slow. Something so small shouldn’t have effected me so much. Yet I stood, breath and heart beat fast.

We finished the pictures and I felt so much joy. When he jokingly laid me across his knee for a pose I laughed. I can’t hold on any more.

We came home and later that night I laughed for another reason. He took me over the edge again and again and I was bound and unable to hold him back. He loved me again and again and all I could do was accept it.

He didn’t grow tired of me. He didn’t make me feel tedious when he pulled me on top of him. He enjoyed what I had to give, and I felt liberated in his release.

You told me you had me, but you left. I was never able to trust you enough to share my needs, because you were always a flight risk. You were never my protector, you were my blinder. If I focused on keeping you here, I didn’t need to stop to think of all the ways I was not. Because if I focused on that, I would have been the one to let you go, and I believed you were my life line.

A partner stays. Through the pain, and the uncertainty. They listen to the frustrations and rock you when you break apart. They adapt to work with you, not run from change.

When you left me I was torn apart. You left my gifts to you around my house for me to stumble upon later to bring all the pain back. You rejected me and the things I tried to give you.

You gave me one thing. When I was filled with doubt I would touch it. I ignored how it hurt I had a part of you but you left my offerings behind.

You told me you had me. Then you told me it would watch over me. I do not need your protection. I do not want to be looked out for. Not from anything that came from you.

You let me down when I needed you. You walked out on me when I was bending myself in half for you.

Now I don’t bend, I grow. I am learning to communicatemy needs and not fear abandonment.

Today I am throwing out your protection along with your eggshells. In order to have one you can’t have the other.

Flying

Sleep depravation from late nights together.

Lots of family time with the kids. Things are going so amazingly well!

When he came home at 1 am Sunday morning we were up for another 2 hours. Sunday we went to the mall and picked out a new dress for missy and some socks for Evan. We also met up with L and e played worh his friend.

Today we took family photos. Everything has been so amazing lately. I’m so excited to see the pictures. This is what letting go of fear looks like

Doing well

It’s been a while again. Going back to work has been super hard on me and most of the last week has been spent with bryun and the kids.

I believe I said in a previous post he left his job. Now he has a new one much closer to home he starts on Tuesday. Him having all last week off was a much needed treat though. After all the emotional break downs I had been having being able to spend all that time with him was good for me and us.

Lots of time spent talking, and snuggling, and joining together. He played with the kids and helped clean up the house and catch up the laundry. I even managed to get a much needed back rub out of him. After everything that happened he has really stepped up to the plate to help take care of me.

The other day I asked him directly for something I needed from him and he was receptive and wanted to try his best to give me what I was asking for. It’s always terrifying to ask for something but when he doesn’t run away or give up on me it makes me love him so much more.

I tell everyone this relationship is like peeling off skin. Lots of the time it hurts and is so scairy. Every time he meets me in the middle or doesn’t bolt though I grow closer and I find myself continuing to let my guard slip.

Last night he wasn’t here. He went to the island to see his kids. I’m happy he will be home tonight because sleeping without him is strange.

Acceptance

It’s been a interesting few days. More attentiveness from Bryun, more inability to convince myself that T is anything that will work for me. It’s funny, when I just focus on all that Bryun brings to the table, the easier it is to realize what I had with T wasn’t meant to last. Accepting it comes easily with a partner who is attentive by nature.

While on the topic of acceptance, its been such a strange few months when it comes to me and Bryan. He has now purchased himself a condo, land is in the process of transitioning to a life away from his parents. There was a time in the early days where I wished for him back, I thought as I so often do, if I did just a little more, maybe I could fix things.

As time has progressed and I’ve grown through the various failures of my relationships, I realize leaving him was the best thing for me. There are times when it hurts, but these times are when I’m happy I have a partner who can empathize as he has gone through a failed marriage and navigating parenting separated as well.

Today really feels like a jump off for change for me. I don’t really know what has made it come to fruition but its really palpable today. I’m done with looking back at all the ways I could have done better for multiple people/ From now on I’m only going to look forward as to how I can improve for the partner I do have.

It’s all the little things. When he tells me to go to bed when I’m tired, when he checks in with me multiple times a day to see how I’m feeling. It’s in the ways he pulls me closer in his sleep, or the concern in his voice when he thinks something is wrong. It;’s in the actions that my guard has reluctantly been chipped away and it’s so terrifying but I’m powerless to keep it up any more. In the past weeks he has managed to do more for me in the small actions and the lengthy conversations then my past partners combined.

I feel like for the first time I’m accepting where I am at in my life now. I’m not covering it up with the window dressings of lust, or the flashy posts about a spiritual connection that I wave like a flag to cover up the doubts I have about the longevity of the relationship.

Somehow with this one it happened on its own. We have settled in to domestic life with little to no drama. He has calmed my anxiety and managed to make me feel valued.

The strangest thing happened today, I felt anxiety about him leaving, but it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t from a place of self worth issues, just a sudden fear that comes with the realization that I no longer have a guard and he has the power to hurt me.

It passed soon enough, but I think it was my tipping point. I called Bryan and told him things with me and B had somehow turned in to something beyond my expectations and that even though it had been closed, the door for our past life together was now firmly shut.

Life is so funny. I didn’t expect this. I thought this relationship with Bryun was something I would make work, but in these past weeks it’s taken on a lite of its own.

I have always been proud of him from the get go, but now I adore him. For all the ways he wants me, I want him as well, truley. For the first time I feel all in to something. Not because it’s a distraction or a ends to a means, but because it’s real.

Going the distance

My last update came from a place of pain and self doubt. When I’m hurting it’s always easier to blame myself instead of others. When I’m angry it’s easier to blame others instead of myself. At the point of my last writing I didn’t have the energy for anger, I only had hurt. Now I’m not angry, or hurt really, I just am.

Not a lot of time has passed from Friday night when I cut ties, but it’s really telling how much can happen in just a few days.

When I woke up Saturday morning I thought I had a handle on things. I had dumped all my emotions in to the blog post in the morning and thought I would be okay to face the rest of the day. I didn’t realize that when your stretched thin any little thing can make you break apart though.

I was sitting drinking coffee when L called. I had just finished talking to Brandon on the phone about everything that had been going on. Dispite what you might think of me and what I think of you, most of my conversations regarding you have surrounded me trying to just figure you out, to understand why you do the things you do, and why it hurts so much. It’s never been a bashing fest.

Anyways L had called and asked me if I wanted to go to Costco to get a deep freezer and do a big shop. I had been wanting to do this for a while but had never got around to it. B had started looking online in to the prices of the deep freezers and for whatever reason I started to get overwhelmed about it. When I hung up the phone from talking to L I just started to sob. I felt so stupid, crying over groceries, or a stupid freezer.

When he pulled me in to his arms I let him. He told me that he knew it wasn’t the freezer or the food, that he understood I was just so worn thin over this that any little type of stress would set me off. I hated that I was in such a spot where my emotions were once again out of my control.

After I finished crying and having my coffee we headed out with L and did the shopping. Somewhere along the way everything changed.

Dispite the pain of the situation I was not expecting the adoration I now feel for him to creep in. He was patient, is still so patient through out this entire thing. He was very detailed at the store and managed to do so without making me feel like a burdon. That in itself is commendable because someone like me always feels like a burdon. It wasn’t just me who noticed this either. L, who doesn’t like him, even took the time to send him a friendly msg later that night.

On the drive home with her even just talking about it made me tear up. Today is better, the emotional break down has yet to happen, and I hope I can avoid it. Nothing is more frustrating then to feel out of control of your responses to things/

When we got home he helped put everything away. The rest of the night was spent talking, mostly in circles about you and my feelings. How i felt I gave up, how I should have done better.

This morning when I woke up for the first time in a few weeks you weren’t the first thing that came to my head. He asked if I was okay, I got up and made coffee, all the motions of a day. Again though today through out it all his level of attentiveness towards me and mine has been staggering. Going out to 3 different places to find ice cream. Playing with E and S, constantly checking up on me to see how I’m doing.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the chemicals of lust, you and I both know that was the main thing we had going for us, but with Him, actions are way more important. In all the little things, the things I thought were once genuine with you, he is showing me how to let go. Sometimes I feel like it’s something I’m doing with resistance, like taking a breath under water, and then at other times it’s just natural, like when he says he wants me and I smile ear to ear.

Sometimes I don’t want to believe him, because to do so means vulnerability, and then at other times I really have no choice because my heart is making up my mind, It’s been a very hard few days. So many tears have been cried over you, and so many words have been typed and spoken. I can’t do it any more.

The truth of it is you could reach out, if any part of you wanted to, but I know in your mind you think your doing what’s best for me. Probably you are, but this is my choice to make. Today I pick him. For all the ways he shows me he is here for the long haul.

Did you know he walked from his job for me? Someone who would give up security to spend time with broken little me who was still falling at your feet, and here comes this man who will walk from his current life style to show me that I am worth it. Sometimes I wish you had done the same, but in your absence I’ve somehow stumbled upon him. Why on Earth he is here is anyone’s guess, why he would leave his job and drop everything when its taken me this long to drop you is beyond me. Regardless though here we stand.

Today I pick him and today I leave you behind.

You could have had me. It’s not about ego, or putting myself up on a pedestal. I can say without a doubt I would have gave you all I had to offer, and now he gets what you were to broken to accept. It’s not something I say out of nastiness, I really truley do think your broken. I hope that one day you examine yourself long enough to figure out what you want. I hope your able to get past your fear of attachment enough to let someone in.

Today I pick him, for all the ways he has shown me just in 24 hours that he picks me.

Failing

I woke up twice last night from a dead sleep. Both times were with a sudden nauseous feeling that held me so firmly it was terrible. The second time, I got up. I’m tired of laying awake looking at nothing.

I can’t wrap my head around it. He would tell me to give him space, and I would. Then in the mornings when I would wake up I would see a msg from him on my phone, nothing substantial, most times just a good morning, or a how was your night, but it felt like everything. In my mind, the little text, the scrap of attention I was getting from him, it had to mean something right? It had to mean he was fighting with himself just as much as I was fighting, as much as I am fighting now, doesn’t it?

Now because I’ve once again gone and pushed him back, I am taking from him the ability for him to give me these small offerings. I’m saying to him, “I don’t accept you, your love and care in any of the ways you can give it,” and I feel like a failure

In my mind all I’ve done is further shown him that I was never right for him because I could never handle him in the ways he needed, because I could not see past my own needs and the warning bells and I always always turned tail and ran. So here I am again feeling like the one who let him down.

It hurts.

He told me he felt no contact was best, and yet he continued to talk. Because maybe just like me he was fighting himself? Why can’t that count for something? Why does he get painted as the bad one when in my mind he is just as captive to his internal issues as I am mine.

I just want to help. I want desperately to believe that if I was strong enough, if I was steadfast enough, that one day something would click and he would say, “Your right, I want you beside me more then I want you away from me.”

I know he will never be a infuance to my kids. I know he wants nothing to do with my friends, and I can accept that. I wouldnt’t feel comfortable letting him near anyone anyways. It would be a constant state of anxiety with him near the kids as I would worry he would just abandon them again. Him abandoning me, well that constant fear is always there with anyone, because I feel so fucking worthless and week,

As for the friends, I would be fighting his fires, kind of like how I am now in my own head but to peoples faces. I just don’t have the energy. I can not, and will not, ever be able to see him as a terrable person. I just cant. I’ve heard him cry, I’ve felt him break when he was up against himself and the empath in me relates so deeply to that, because I know how it feels to be at war with yourself.

I don’t know what to do. I have no idea how to get past the feeling of me being the let down again, of how i feel like I’m the one failing him again.

It hurts.

He told me a while back that he never wished me any hardship, he said that all of this was him, and not me. I wish I could accept his words. I wish I could stop my mind from blaming myself, because I really still feel like if I had just been stronger, if I had been more empathetic, if I had waited longer, things could have worked themself out. Instead I ran again and it feels like I’m letting him down, because I’m the one abandoning him. He let me in again to go against better judgment and I just hurt him again because I’m selfish and cant accept the little he gives me. I hate I’m this way.

It hurts.

I want with everything in me to text him and apologize, again. I want to tell him he is enough the way he is, but I know I wouldn’t be being honest with myself, and I know he knows it as well. More then that though, I don’t text because I know he is hurt, and its my fault, and he would maybe hurt me, and part of me wants to get hurt because I feel like I deserve it, because I’m so broken I can’t hold on tightly enough to give him what he needs.

It’s the most terrable feeling, knowing no matter how hard you try, your just hurting yourself. No matter how much you want something, your just sticking your thumbs in your ears and holding tightly like a little kid because to let go would mean you failed. I hate being such a failure. I can’t stand that I’m not strong enough.

He used to reach out dispite himself, and so did I. How are we different? He worried if he didn’t hear from me, as did I, so how is he different? I truley believe this is just as hard for him as it is me, so how is he the bad one? How is anyone the bad one? Why cant we just be and stop fighting ourself and running and hiding and having this self imposed will battle/ I know he is arrogant, he told me himself, and this isn’t a insult. But i understand how that arrogance means not wanting to admit you want something. I understand how it means putting up mental blocks from allowing yourself to get close to anyone because look, look what happens, I’ve left/ I’ve given him a reason to feed that fear responce, and it drives me crazy. I an see how being alone all the time as a child makes him scared to admit to himself he doesn’t really want to be. I can guess how terrifying it is to know you want something but because your damaged they wil reject you and look what I’m always doing. But I don’t want to. I know in his mind he probably sees it as him being to damaged or not good enough or not meeting my needs, and while the last part is true I can’t handle the fact that somehow maybe he blames himself/ I want to take all of the blame because I really feel it’s my fault because I need to much. I want to be the steadfast one and show him I’m not going to back down, but he pushes and pulls and I know he is fighting himself the entire way and it fucking breaks me. All I wanted was to be able to really know him and be a constant and I’m always the one giving up and I feel so fucking pathetic for doing so. I hate myself for doing so.

falling apart

“I’ll leave you and yours alone”

I had left my phone at home by mistake. The words hit me like a sucker punch to my stomach.

I sat down on the couch and I literally couldn’t breathe. The tears fell down my face and I felt like I was going to be sick. I spent the next hour on I gotta and desperately trying to catch my breath, to get a grip on myself.

I didn’t think anything could feel worse then the pain when he left me that morning, and yet somehow here it was, something worse. I literally sat there shaking and fighting myself not to reply. Why could I say? How would he ever want me the way I needed him to? Nothing matters if he doesn’t;t want me the way I need him to. So I’m trying my best to move forward. It hurts so fucking badly though. It’s like reopening the wound all over again.

I don’t know how I thought I could ever do casual, even briefly with him, All I would do is fucking destroy myself trying to be the puppet on a string for him, and that would be hard because I really don’t think he knows what he really wants.

If he came came back tomorrow, if pigs flied, I don’t think I could believe in it any more. I think I’m so damaged from this entire thing that I would never be able to lower my defences enough to ever just relax and love him like I used to. Now there is way to much pain between us for me to hold on to anything but a pipe dream, and it’s slowly killing me.

I don’t know how to handle this any more and I’m not strong enough to be a puppet for him, so I’m taking the cowards route and blocking him, again, because I can’t keep doing this. I thought it hurt before, and now it’s fucking agony. I’ve only now just got to the point where I’m no longer sobbing.

The kicker? The person who has suffered almost as much as I have through this is the one doing damage control. It’s never the ones who make the mess who end up having to fix it and it’s not fair. His birthday was spend consoling me while I cried like some weak broken thing over someone who just couldn’t love me, no matter how hard I faught for him, or how many times I bent myself over backwards. I know its not his fault but today the responding after knowing what was going on with me was. Causing me this pain was a very much conscious choice that he made. I didn’t need the pain today, I’ve had my fucking fair share of it and I’m so fucking tired.

Do you realize your the reason I can’t accept when someone tells me they want me? Because I’m fucking so scared they will just throw me aside like you did. It’s so frustrating that even though your gone, that you don’t want me, your still haunting me and leaving me as this huge fucking mess for someone ellse to have to pick up and deal with,

I still don’t understand why you had to come back just to toss me aside. How n earth could you tell me you have me and then just leave me to cal apart, and now all over again. I’m so fucking tired.

I’m glad I’m not crying any more, but it stil fucking feels like cutting off a limb. It feels like running because I’m not strong enough to face you without falling at your fucking cold feet and I hate that for what you have done to me.

Finally able to post properly

It took a while but I finally stopped resisting and purchased a Bluetooth keyboard for myself to use with my iPhone. This will be great for me when it comes to writing fan fiction and lengthy blog posts. I’m so happy expression will be so much easier now when I don’t have to spend hours just to type out a few paragraphs.

The past little while has been really crazy for me emotion wise. It

S been so hard processing al the feelings I have regarding Thomas and handling all the stressful things that have popped up with me and Bryun. I do my best to keep my head on my shoulders but most days I feel like I’m falling apart and it really shows.

Last night I had a total emotional break down. I cried and couldn’t stop shaking for about 30 minutes. Everything is just so hard when people don’t function in black and white. So many long days caught up with me, suppressing my feelings caught up with me, and I just broke down.

I’ve never been the best at letting people go. It took me a year and a half to let go of Josh and that was without trauma bonding. T says stuff like how I’m intense and pretty and how he wants to be friends but wouldn’t hesitate to take me in bed and it just twists me up in knots. It hurts to know that I’l never be enough and my only way to deal is to move forward. Sometimes life is really hard.

I do my best to focus on the positives with B but with the way things had been going as of late I felt like it was a sinking ship and he would just leave me anyways, just like Thomas left me. It

S left me with so many scars and so many abandonment fears its not even funny. So much of what I do is out of defence that B will hurt me like T and I just push him away and hurt him so he cant hurt me. I’m so tired of getting hurt all the time.

I told Bryun if he didn’t quit his job and start taking care of himself he would be gone because I couldn’t live as a ghost in a relationship. I fully expected him to leave me. I guess the destructive part of myself hoped he would so I could crawl back to T and have him break me because I feel so fucking worthless. He didn’t end up leaving though and he walked away from his job. It

S interesting having him around, and it’s hard to constantly have to battle all my insecurities,

When it was all said and done he was the one who pulled me from my phone sobbing up to bed. He was the one who held me as I shook and sobbed over another man who doesn’t want me, I hate how all this breaks him apart but I’ve never been strong when it comes to my feelings. I’m doing the best I can to get past it but T feels like a part of my body that has been cut off and I don’t know how to walk without it.

Nothing is really new in other news. It’s bryuns birthday today. I’m taking him out for dinner later tonight and there will be cake. I try to give T his distance and then he comes back and asked how my day is and it’s so confusing because I don’t know how to reply to him. I don’t understand how he wants space and then he wants to talk to me but when I talk to him if I talk to much I’m a burdon. Even the simplest things are hard for me to ask my partners for because I feel like such a fucking drain on everyone and everything. Self worth issues are the worst. I know the irony is someone like T makes them worse but I can’t let him go because it hurts so fucking much.

Anyways I guess thats the end of my rambling for now. I’m hoping I’ll eventually snap out of this. But its so so hard when he tells me he wants me, even though i know he doesn’t want me. He says he wants friends and then says he would take my body and I;m all kinds of confused. I’m doing my best to stay steadfast to the partner I have but god damn trauma bonding is fucking terrifying.

I hope with B having left his job and being more mindful to give me the attention and validation and love I need that I’ll feel less neglected and worthless and wont seek it out in someone who isn’t really able to meet those needs either. I’m such a fucking mess and I’m so tired of dealing with myself.

Cold feet

New Song from above and beyond

You came with your troubled eyes

Oh and the push and pull of loves desires

You came with your easy smile

Oh and your pretty words like coloured birds fly away

I don’t wanna burn for you

I don’t wanna yern for you

I would love to get crazy in your body heat

But I don’t wanna get trampled by your cold feet

When you leave you leave no clues

So I reinvent the things you meant

All of this undeclared charade keeps me so unsure always wanting more every day

You stay to say the things you say

A long embrace you walk away

And now my eyes are full of lies as I pretend that it’s ok

I don’t wanna burn for you

I don’t wanna yern for you

I would love to get crazy in your body heat

I know I would lose myself

But I don’t wanna get trampled by your cold feet