Keeping busy 

Ive absorbed myself in writing and reading fanfiction. It doesn’t keep things from crumbling around me though. The very day we returned from our trip he let me down again. 
He stood quiet when I was talked in to the ground. 10 years of my life gone, and he doesn’t even know me well enough to tell when I’m upset. What a shame, a fucking shame. He is so far gone in this he actually believes I will not be happy without him. 
E is done preschool June 23. I’m leaving then. I hope the next person I love will make a effort to know me, not to own me. 

God damn it 

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes laying still in my bed, in hopes that if I held still long enough i would fall asleep and get away from these insescent thoughts of you.

After that, as his breathing settled in to a pattern of sleep beside me, I took 5 more reminding myself to hold back my tears. Sadness has turned to agitation, and here I sit alone in the dark with my phone.

I remember when I would sit alone in the dark with my phone to talk to you, when you painted me a world I so eagerly believed in.

Here come the sobs now, like a wounded animal, just the way you left me. Best to keep quiet so I don’t wake him up.

Do you know I still feel every touch like it was yesterday? Roomer has it time makes it go away, it has not. Your voice, your haunting words are never far away. You however are now on the other side of the world, again.

My dad asked me once why you? My answer came with no hesitation, then I was so eager to defend you, to defend us. I told him it was because you were the only person who could make me feel alive, who owned my body and mind. What does it say now that you have left me feeling dead?

I feel a unraveling in me. I feel more and more worn thin by this every day. I would leave if I thought it mattered to you. But there is the most painful truth of this entire spirit crushing thing, it does not. Did it ever? 

I could run myself through with a blade and you would watch from a removed distance as I fell to the ground. It wouldn’t feel any different from how you left me. Telling me she is a friend you were helping with money, you were just visiting. Even then I knew you were full  of shit, but I desperately hoped, and you, eager to string me on kept up the lie until you were engaged. Some friend. I wonder how long she was waiting in the wings for you?

I would leave if it meant you would stay but you never did. It breaks me, this knowledge. I have to try to fake my way through this fucking constant pain while you play house, by your choosing, either oblivious to what you have done, or gloating in the sheer force of it.

How does it feel to know you can so easily break someone? Do you lose sleep? I sure do. I feel shame and excitement every time I hear your voice telling me to cum. How does it feel to know you have that power? Half a world away.

I have none. Be happy with what you have you say. What you left me with, a substitute and a emptiness you are not man enough to stick out to fill.

And you say 

You should really try to find satisfaction in the life you have instead of wanting more.
Who talked to other women and lined them uplike dominos to fall at your feet with the touch of your hand?
How dare you say this to me when it was you showed me it could be so different. You who is now content, apparently, with someone new. Why do you say such stupid hurtful blunt lies. Why do you always run off? Fuck those words!
Every day I try to “make do” I try for my kids and my well being because I was only just a play thing to?you. When I trembled when you touched my skin from the force pf you, from the complete terror of letting go, you only saw it as a ego stroke. You could play my body like all the others, now you know what my moans sound like, curiosity satisfied, level complete. 
You broke me. For anyone to follow, to anyone who wants the fragments you left behind. I can’t let go again. I can’t get lost in another’s touch, I’m numb to everything.
Be happy with what you have you say. I ache for what I will never have again 

5 months!

It’s been that long from my last post. No one writes any more! I check back to my reader page but it feels like no one blogs any more. I guess if no one writes, they don’t read so I’ll use this for mytherapeutic dumping ground.
It still hurts. What you did. What you didn’t do. So many songs, to many fucking songs bring it all back and I’m right back where I started. How could something with such a strong love and desire fizzle our like child’s play? How can you play these games when you don’t have children to force your hand? Why wasn’t I worth it? It still hurts and your half a world away.
I never had a choice. From day one I fell at your feet and you chewed me up and left me there on the ground. If I could make this constant pain, these constant reminders of you stop I would. Yet you say, I have a choice.
Loving you was not a choice. It was something that swept me off my feet and here I am still trying to stand again. I can’t stand what you did to me. Me, the one who didn’t believe in love. Now I wish some days I never knew. 
Everything is lacking without the wag I felt when you held me, even though you tore me apart I miss how you made me feel alive.
My life is making do with my fingers in my ears trying to forget how desire feels. Kids anddomestic life and music. Always the fucking music brings it all back.
When does it get better? When you give her a baby? No then it just makes me angry. How dare you pretend when you told me it was always me. Don’t be foolish and get yourself in over your head, it will just feel like drowning in daggers. Why? Why are you so eager to make my mistakes. Why can’t I let you go? Why did you have to open my eyes to true love but build it up in this sick power play game. You always did and still do own me and yet you say I have a choice.
I can’t stand this. I need to get back to work, but that to reminds me of you. Nothing does not. I work out and keep pushing forward but I’m just treading water. Distractions are stepping stones. God I hope it gets easier. Why did you leave me so broken? Why did you wreck everyone ellse for me? Why did you bother just to give up. Fuck your and your accent and charm and soft words and rough edges and electric touch. When does it get easier?

The new sky train 

Today was a really good day! Not only was I able to get some Evan free time with Bryan this morning, but I was also able to get some very successful guide work in with Cici. 
Evan has been so excited about the new sky train opening here so we decided to check it out today. I figured it would be a good time to try and learn the route with Cici as well. So after lunch with the baby strapped to my chest we all headed out
The route is really easy. If I leave from Lafarge station it’s mostly a straight line. It has 2 lighted and 2 smaller unlighted crossings. As I don’t have my pass yet I just called a sky train attendant and they opened the gate for me and made sure I got on the right train. I think I’ll take the train from Lafarge to coquitlam centre instead of walking there, that way I don’t have to wait for construction to finish.
We met up with my dads mom once at lougheed mall. This time we took the train there as I thought E would like to see the tunnel.
We had lunch and then I picked out some clothes for Sylvia at oshkosh. I love that store and once they move to the new place in lougheed it will be really easy to get to from the sky train. I really enjoyed picking out her clothes. I called the store before I went and made sure someone would be able to help me find stuff and read tags. It worked out great and I found her 2 dresses and 2 sleepers for Xmas. 
It rained on the way home, but all in all it was a really good day! I hope to use the new sky train more and be able to get out and see more people.

Ramblings

People are stramge. Emotions are even more complex. 
To say I am unaffected by you after all the time that has passed would be a lie. But I am more mindful of how you effect me. I thought I was worth effort to you, but itshould not have surprised me given how you left your last relationship. I don’t want a us any more, that’s not true either, but I know better. 
I feel so much shame that I can somehow want you, but you are my addiction, and I’m only human. Knowing your engaged, knowing I wasn’t worth any effort after you slept with someone ellse, these are the things I use to keep myself from going backwards. I’m not angry any more I’m just sad that I believed you and I feel dirty and week that I still struggle with your impact on me. 
I justify it because I feel I deserve it. Somehow I’m so twisted up that I can still somehow feel I need to punish myself for not doing something, anything sooner. Somehow I blame myself even though logic and your own actions show you would have left me anyways. Humans really are fools.
I’m happy where I am now, and the baby isn’t what made me that way, but needed to write this down, to get it all out. For so long I’ve been acting like it’s done, like I’m removed from it all, and I’m not. I am not ok from you, o shouldn’t feel shame from that but I do. Knowing your still here, still inside me, it hurts, and I feel shame. 
I’m happy with what I have here because it’s stable. I know that at my worst he will still be there for me, and yet I haven’t told him how I struggle. I feel it’s mine to deal with on my own, my punishment not his, I’ve hurt him enough, as for you, I don’t feel I effected you at all. How could I possibly have when you were so unaffected by it all? 
I’ve learnt who cared, the one who stayed through it all. He warned me and I didn’t listen.
On my end, I know with out a doubt it was love, in all it’s messy raw bull headed inconsiderate fashion. That’s what makes it hard for me, to know that for maybe years I will hold this inside me, that it might not just fade to the back of my mind, my dad told me it took him years, and I feel shame. 
Shame that I struggle with it when I have a man who does more then enough. Anger at the fact that even if you asked me back tomorrow I couldn’t because some things you can’t come back from, and yet here I am struggling with these feelings that I can’t act on and I can’t make go away.
I’ve been told time helps, I’m sure distance does to, your doing a good job forcing my hand at that, engagements do that. I wish I understood you but I don’t think I ever did. 
Maybe I need to be more forgiving of myself, not feel so much shame over all this. But I’ve been trying for a year now to sweep it under the rug like you have and it’s not working, and I feel shame, 
I’m here and I’m happy and yet I still have these feelings and I hate that I do because it’s not right. It’s my own fault for letting it happen so like I said I take the punishment but I wish I could deal with it for my own sake. 
I know he is here for me, now I’m sure he is worried because he saw me writing this and now I feel more shame. I wish you didn’t effect me because I clearly don’t effect you, you say you will never be stuck, it must be nice.

Tomorrow 

You start preschool. Already this year has held so much for you. 3 years old. A baby sister. Now preschool! I am excited to see all the ways you learn and grow in the months to come!
You have been such a amazing big brother. Your always happy to help, and love to play with your sister. I’m confident you will handle this next change with the same enthusiasm as you did the arrival of Sylvia. 

Priceless 

We purchased it off Craigslist just a few months after you were born. I wanted something comfortable to sit in while I attempted to learn how to breast feed you.
When your dad and papa carried it in to the house I was hesitant, it was bigger then we expected so it took us a while to find it a spot. It dwarfed me and you when we first sat in it, but it accommodated my breast feeding pillow so we gave it a chance. 

  
When we were unable to get you to latch I spent lots of time pumping in our chair. We used it to prop you up to take some pictures when you were still to young to sit up on your own, and we spent many nights snuggled up in it while you slept or drank your bottle. 

  
Time has passed and your not so little any more, but our oversized rocking chair still holds us both. You came to me today and sat beside me and with in moments you were asleep. You may be growing up but some things will always be just mine and yours. 

  

Your growing and your world is changing 

  
In just a few months you will be 3, and with this new year of your life comes many exciting changes. Some, I am sure you won’t understand just how much will change your life, but you are resilient and adaptable and I promise it will be worth it. 
Preschool will be new to you at first in September. You might cry when mommy and daddy leave you the first time. But know when I don’t pause to look back, and nag your father to just keep walking it is with only the best intentions for you. I believe with all of me once you get past the initial discomfort of us leaving you that you will have a blast with your soon to be friends. Know that we will only be a few minutes away and we will be there if it becomes to much for you, we will always come. 
Sylvia your little sister might be another change you show initial resistance to. You speak of her often but I know you can’t grasp the full concept of her growing in my tummy. You might not know it yet, but I’m sure there will be times you wish it was just us again. Know that though she might take up some of my time, my love for you both is equal. She might cry in the night and make mommy grumpy some days, but know I love you even though I may be short with you. 
I know you have no concept of how much in my heart i hope for you to be the brother to her I wish I had. I know you will shine at it and you won’t even realize your doing it. With your love to help, and your gentle guidance she will love and look up to you. Know that through the years you may fight, siblings do, but her love for you will be unconditional just as mine is for you. 
Remember buddy everyone makes mistakes, look at them as life’s stepping stones. We are all still learning every day but we will be beside you every step of the way. 

Unconditional love 

Unconditional love. 
From the moment I saw a plus I felt it’s stirrings. A mixture of excitement for who you would be and the things you would do. 
From the moment i felt your smallest movements as you grew inside me and my body changed to house you, my love swelled as well.
From the moment when you were pulled from my body and placed against my skin, and we touched in this new world to you. 
From that moment on I knew no other bond will be as strong as the one I have for you.
In these last two years you have shown me a level of selflessness I did not know I had. A little hand in mine or a laugh or smile from you is all I need to forget my worries.
Your still so young and yet some days I feel I should be thanking you for all the joy you bring me. 
I love you with all my heart and I am blessed to have such a caring little boy as my son to show this big world to. Thank you for stumbling along with your silly sometimes impatient and sometimes strict half blind mom. I’m sure you will repay the favour when your older. Just remember, the sence of humour came from me! 
I know this is early but after work tomorrow mm world will revolve around you buddy. Happy birthday! I love you