From when I wrote my last post a bunch of things surfaced. Emotions resurfaced, fears and doubts came back, I felt small and worthless again. I was fhe terrable one, the abuser, not good enough.
Trauma bonding is much fhe same I think, as how a alcoholic feels they need the drink. It was a brief interaction but it left me off balance and hurting, as it seems to more often these days. And again, it hurt him.
Yesterday aaa a day I felt undeserving of love. The broken part of me he left me with was stinging from cutting words. The way he painted me towards you, the empathetic part of me hated myself because I can always see the worst in myself. I am terrable, unkind, broken, not deserving of anyone, broken.
I came home to gifts I felt I didn’t deserve. A beautiful bouquet of flowers, chocolates, a massage I need to book, him. I came home to him and I felt unworthy. I felt shame for being so weak, for the trauma that makes it so hard to harden myself to you. I felt low, worthless.
After deciding to go out for dinner I was in fhe process of changing in to a dress. I heard him walk in the room behind me and I continued. When he will came infront of me I didn’t meet his eyes. Keep going, don’t wreck the day because I’m so broken.
He lowered himself to his knees infront of me, and looked up in to my face. Something inside me snapped. I met his eyes and i searched for words. No one has ever knelt for me. No one. This wasn’t from a place of bedroom games. When he looked at me I believed it was with adoration, and it shook me. I do not know how to accept this, from anyone.
I am unkind, I am broken. I looked for attention from other men, even though my ex husband ignored my pleas, I strayed from the marriage, I unblocked Thomas, I continued the conversation, I am a terrable person. I can always blame myself before I blame others.
Standing there looking down in to his face I didn’t have words. I said something funny to distract myself from the intimacy of the moment. “That’s my job.” The room felt to small and I needed to be there with him. I couldn’t look at his adoration any more. I am unworthy. I folded myself on to his lap, kneeling with him. I tried to hide my face.
Then my dress was coming off. I had just put it on. His hands and his lips and his words all taking me away again. From my doubts about myself, from the negative voice in my mind constantly breaking me down, from any thoughts of what you left me with.
Again everything grew silent. My mind stopped and I knew I couldn’t turn back, be it from fear or self preservation or in attempts to push him away from me, because I’m a terrable person. I couldn’t do it any more. The person who wants you, it’s the destructive part of myself. The part who tells myself I am worthless, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am terrable, I need the pain you bring.
When he touches me, when he loves me, when he hammers it in to my head he wants me and will stay, that distructive part of me goes away. It had been dormant for the past while but you resurfacing made it come to the surface. It was hard.
But I am strong. I did not cry. I didn’t let it overpower me. Trauma bonding is no joke, but I am worth wanting. I am worth fighting for.
Lastnight while I sat across from him at the table and smiled like a idiot I knew u was his, All his. People do not function in black and white. I think I will struggle with the distructive parts of myself for a while. I know when it comes to you I am weak, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad personality, it means I am human, broken but not doing anything with the intent to hurt. I am in a constant battle with myself, but I still try my best to pick him. Because you are not good for me. Because he shows me every day that he is.
I belong to him. I am his. I am not perfect, I am not undamaged, sometimes I make poor choices, but I am his. I love him, and sometimes i hurt him, and in turn hurt myself. Yet, I am his. Somehow he looks at this terrable person and sees something worth fighting for. I should take a page from his book and learn to fight for what I deserve.