This week has been rough so far. E has been especially difficult. One night he kept coming out of his room, and yesterday he had a huge tantrum when B dropped him off. When it’s rough with the kids i really miss having a partner beside me. 
Navigating tantrums and stretching myself so thin with out someone to lean on is rough. T has been really sweet through text and does his best to support me through text. While I appreciate it deeply, I’m eager for the day when we can fully function as a team. 
The last two nights I have not been sleeping well. I’m so used to sharing my bed with T that when he isn’t here it just doesn’t feel right. The way we sleep always touching, I love it. 
Tomorrow the kids leave in the morning, I was able to have a extra night with them so I can see them tomorrow morning. After that I think the plan is to spend some time with L and T. I’m looking forward to dinner with my friends and my love for my birthday. 

Advertisements

Taking comfort 

This week has been a roller coaster. Friday was especially busy. I had my first counselling appointment as well as a hair appointment to get my hair returned back to its normal color. Both went well.
The session with the counsellor was surprisingly productive. She told me about something called a fear ladder and that together with my partner I could work to strengthen myself against the things that trigger me. She also told me I already have a lot of tools I use to help me cope and that we should try to focus in on what is causing the anxiety and triggers instead of giving me tools to prevent them. I left the session feeling excited to have something to try.
When I was done with my hair and waxing T came over. I filled him in about the counselling session and what she had to say and he was happy to try and help me as best as he could. After that we decided to go for dinner to Bobby Sox and meet up with L. I think we all had a lot of fun, and I’m very happy to have such supportive friends around me.
When we came home from dinner we watched a few  episodea of Oreville. We both thought it was surprisingly good. Not so much a comedy as more of a drama/comedy.
 After the show we decided to head up to bed and test out triggering me. It went surprisingly well, I didn’t turn into a ball of trembling nerves this time. I did almost cry, but he was able to talk me down and bring me back to a place of calm. All in all I would say that it was a success.
Saturday was a blissful day of snuggling and relaxing in bed for the most part. Yesterday night we ended up going over to see L A few of her friends for dinner. We ended up staying quite late and playing cards against humanity. It was a blast!
We got home we ended up watching one episode of American horror story before heading to bed. I’m not really sure how I feel about the season so far. I don’t know if they should’ve gotten politics involved, but it is interesting and I will give it a few more episodes before I make my final opinion.
 When we woke up this morning we walked to McDonald’s for breakfast, and then to booster juice. Before he left he ended up reassuring me that he would come back and we are doing better. I know I have made my mistakes, but I do feel like going forward things are only going to get better for us both.

4 months 

I can’t believe it’s been that long. Just 120 days ago I walked out of the door of the home I brought my babies to when we left the hospital. I made the long over due choice to walk away from the man I had hoped to share my ljfe with. So much can happen in 120 days. 
3 relationships, 1 sti, 1 rape, 1 lost friend, countless mistakes. 1v patient lover, a new home, new selfless friends, hours of self discovery, and the continual journey of learning to love myself. 
I never thought I would have been strong enligh to leave. I never saw myself solo parenting my children. I thought leaving was pain, and then I was violated. Self worth issues are difficult at the best of times, but when your objectified they become a even bigger demon. I never guessed I would have something take control over my body the way the emotions caused from his violation have. 
But I am still here. Not only did I leave the house my babies came home to, but I did it with my head held high through my fears. I picked myself after someone did me the ultimate disservice and did what I had to in order to start to heal. The man I love returned to me because he must see things I don’t. 
I still make mistakes. I’m still very insecure and broken, but o keep my head held high. When I wake up I tell myself I’m strong, I’m beautiful, and I’m worth wanting, some mornings I have to force myself out of bed after saying it at least 10 tines. Other days I feel happy and only have to remind myself once. On days when the kids are being difficult I hide in the bathroom and tell myself those 3 things over and over. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I really believe the things I say, I hope if I continue to say them to myself that one day I will fully believe them. 

:(

I sleep wrapped around a pillow, wishing it was you Hoping you’ll forgive me for, the pain I put you through 

Hinesite is 20 20, but it doesn’t make things right 

And as I lay here sobbing I fear for what I’ve lost tonight 
Your trust, your calm, your will to just hold on it’s all shattered now 

My air, my words, they vanish in this hurt that I caused 

My lack of thought, has got us to this spot and I can’t believe

That you might not come home, that I might be alone

Baby please 

Do what you gotta do, and please take care of you, but don’t give up on me 
You said you needed space, to try and let me in again

And that for my own mental sake, i needed better friends

And when you left that morning, you said you would return 

Tears are sliding down my face and yet my skin it burns for what I’ve lost 
Your trust, your calm, your will to just hold on it’s all shattered now 

My air, my words, they vanish in this hurt that I caused 

My lack of thought, has got us to this spot and I can’t believe

That you might not come home, that I might be alone

Baby please 

Do what you gotta do, and please take care of you, but don’t give up on me 

Breath your air in to my lungs So I can live again

Run your hands across my skin 

So I can forget his touch 

Kiss me softly to numb this ache 

Hold me tightly until I fit together again 
I am such a broken mess waiting for your adoration 

If you loved me right I could shine for you again 

I’m so fragile if you pull back I’ll break in to fragments 
My head is stuck in a loop of pain 

Rock me until I break free 

Fill it with sweet whispers 

Until I only hear your voice 
Tell me I’m worth it so I can see myself again 

Tell me you want me so I know I’m worth the trouble 
Break for me so I can see your shards 

Handle you with the care you show me 

Let me in so you can see I’m worth the hassle 

You

I don’t think our brains were made for productive conversations, especially difficult ones. When one person goes on the defensive things get mixed up, someone gets hurt. I have gone through this from both sides. I have hurt, and I have been hurt. I have let you in, and completely shut you out, only to let you back in again. 
Yesterday was hard for us both. You set me back leaps and bounds with my insecurities. In turn I saw you break apart as I wavered on the edge of completely detaching myself from you. 
Your vulnerability was the only thing fhaf stopped me. As angry and hurt as I was, I would have had to be inhuman to not notice hour instant remorse and regret for what you had said. 
As humans we are messy and raw, but I pulled myself back to you, even through your blunder. We talked for hours, stumbling over the cracks. We got lost in each others words instead of each other’s bodies. It was messy and painful but when it was all said and done, while I had pain, I also still had you. I do not regret my choice to stay, and I will continue to try my best for you. The closeness we have is worth the growing pains. 

Needing strength 

Today is going to be draining. I’m anxious becajse I have a eye dr appt. the last one I had would have been back in 2008 I think. The hope is I can either get glasses for ovar my contact, or a stronger contact, or glasses that are not so ugly. I’m not looking forward to the eye drops and thinking about it is setting my teeth on edge. 
After that I need to sit at the old house and wait for Bryan to finish a meeting before we go to the lawyer. Sitting in that house with all its failed potential is going to be hard. I might just go lay in bed, but then laying in that bed will be hard. Going anywhere near the house and him feels unfaithful to me. I want to wrap myself so tightly around T and have him pet my hair until the memories of this place go away and all I have is him. Today is going to be really hard. I don’t want to sit in that house with my mind. I hope it goes quickly 

Motherhood 

This is a job of constant change. Each day brings a new challenge and a new reward. Moments of frustration are followed by ones of amusement where I find myself laughing at something you have said to me. Your curiosity and eagerness to help blows me away and I am amazed two people could make something so perfect. 
The other day you dressed yourself. I had laid your clothes out and left you to your task. A few minutes had passed and you had not returned. I thought you were having trouble so I stuck my head in to call you. When you answered me you were in the living room. When you came to me you had all your clothes on, the right way. In that moment I felt such joy and sadness at once. You were so proud and as you stood there flapping your arms in excitement i held back my tears. 
When you left, to continue your show, I took a moment to regroup. I allowed a tear to slide down my cheek. Your growing up so fast. I remember helping you dress, how you would squirm to get away from me. Now you are doing it on your own. Every day you grow a little more. Every day I hold you a little longer, ruffle your hair a little more often. Keep growing in leaps and bounds but don’t forget about me. Put up with my snuggles and my doting, one day you will have your own little one and will hold them just as tightly. 

Catching up 

It’s been a few days from when I updated last and it feels like I have a lot to write about. The issue is I don’t have the time to put it all down. I put a offer in on a house, me and T are going through some shit, and I watched the defenders on Netflix. Jaws was approved at work so I should hopefully be productive again soon, and I’m going to need to repurple my hair soon. The kids are doing good and things around here are the same. Day by day I guess. 

Good and bad 

I guess some victory today as well as some sadness. I ended up getting the spousal support I asked for, but where the kids will go to school is up in the air still, B wants them to go to school near where he lives and as I don’t drive I feel they should go near me. We have a few months to work it out or it will go to court. I’m going Thursday to look at a place and I hope it works out. As for the sad part, I just find the day the kids leave to be so hard on me emotionally. I’m sitting here outside listening to music and hoping it gets easier. I don’t know if it will though, I would like to say work is a distraction but with how that is I can’t really say that. I’m looking forward to seeingn T tomorrow when I’m off. It’s sad but looking forward to seeing him at the end of these fucking work days is a huge part of what helps me through them, I’m only working 2 days this week as well as next so it shouldn’t be to bad,