Shambles

Why do I offer my entire being to the people I love? I never end up getting the same in return. It’s exhausting and draining and it leaves me feeling so empty and alone.

Why do people try so hard at the beginning jusf to turn themselves off when it becomes “real” and yet I keep going. Giving all of myself until I’m literally handing fragments of myself to a wall. I guess it’s why I feel so fucking worthless all the damn time.

It’s almost been 3 weeks sence I kicked him out. I told him to work on his program and himself and hoped like hell we could find us again. Sence then it just keeps hurting. Missing him. His disengagement on some days and love on others. It’s killing me, I’m falling apart every fucking day.

I don’t know how he can tell me he loves me and walk away from me when I cry. I don’t know how I can open myself up to him, put all my feelings in words while holding his hand and he can give me a silence in return that stretches until I want to scream, or sob, or both.

This is killing me. This entire thing I try so hard. I give and I give and I’m getting met with anger and resistance and I don’t know what ellse.

I want tenderness, and apologies, the real ones, not the ones you say to get in bed, or a roof over your head. The ones you mean so deeply you struggle because you feel so damn guilty and you do your best to show in now just words but actions how much regret you have for your carelessness. I want honesty and openness and the ability to no longer cry myself to sleep every night:

I don’t know what happened here, if he got tired of pretending, or if his adiction and character defects and mental illness are just taking hold of him. Either way some accountability is needed. Not surface level because he has to, but the real soul bearing kind that is hard but worth it in the end.

I’m sitting here alone and feeling lower then I have in a long time. I don’t have a productive job to escape in, I don’t have games to get lost in, and I will not allow myself to take refuge in bodies.

I don’t get to escape the crushing Wright that try as I might he will do what he does. He will hurt me. He will “love” me. He will treat me like I matter, and fuck me like a body who doesn’t. He will make love to me like I’m precious, and treat my feelings like problems not things to talk about and attempt to understand. I’m caught in the darkness of knowing how I love him isn’t going to change that. I can’t change that. It’s not a matter of not being enough, but it sure feels like it when you bend yourself in half and your met with detachment and disinterest.

I’m falling apart and I wish he cared enough to try to salvage the wreckage but it feels so empty.

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I can’t really handle it

The amount of pride I have for you. On the good days I want to shout it to anyone who will listen. I want to spend hours babbling about how proud I am.

On the bad days it keeps me steady. When we are at one another, or when it’s all to much it remains. It’s a constant solid touch stone.

I can’t handle you. The way you push my buttons and test my patience. How your touch makes me melt when I want to shake you instead. Your personality drives me up the wall, with your dominance bordering on control hovering close to aragance: your will power is infuriating at times.

You terrify me. With your ability to make my anger fade. In your strength to never give up. With all the love you send my way.

You drive me crazy. With the state of your head. With the touch of your hands. From the scent of you. With the place you have me in.

Power play is so delicate. Loving someone is even more so. Not a single thing is easy about falling. It leaves you exposed and soft with your centre exposed. There is no shields, no safety net. It’s amazing and consuming and like Russian roulette. Will this be end? Will I see another day? Really we both hold the gun.

You drain me. Of my energy. Of my calm. Of my anxiety. Of my desire. Of my love. Of everything I have to offer you and more. You take it all and I give it willingly. Your thirst for validation equals mine and I take as much as I give.

I don’t know how it happens. The peeling back of layers till your raw and gleaming and vulnerable. It was slow and yet painfully fast in its intensity. One day you were my boyfriend and fhe next my fiancé and it left me dealing, trying to figure it out.

I’m here beside you and I’m skeptical. I’m terrified and eager and happy and guarded and anxious and giddy all at once. Most of all though I’m proud. Proud of your spirit, your sobriety, of your determination, of your self respect, of your want to stay.

I have seen so many people fall off the wagon so many times, and watching you navigate all the challenges of your day to day life and keep on going makes me love you so much. I literally feel filled to bursting with it. I know, it’s not a big thing, but respect and pride is never a thing I will be short on towards you. Patience and calm are harder currencies to come by.

Thoughts

“I got you, just breathe”

Lavender ice cream

Incredibly intimate foot rubs

A huge dragon in a park

Lazy weekends

Dancing at a concert

A tight black dress

Watermelon drinks

A kids birthday

Long car rides

The back of the car

The cold of a park bench

It still hits me so hard

Selfish

Finding out your partner has a mental illness shakes your foundation. It takes your world and mixes it all up. When it comes in to the open your caught between relief that it’s being recognized, and the panic that things will never get better.

It eats away at you. It saturates every conversation and action. It mocks you in the moments of silence. You question your worth, your ability, your desirability. You make yourself sick.

Sleep isn’t the escape you had before because you wonder where his mind goes when you dream. Guilt at the lack of understanding you share in this chips away at you. Your so very tired.

But you go to work and he cleans the house. You go to sleep and he runs from the silence. You try to help and fall short again and again and it’s just another failure shoved in your face.

Anger that you even suffer. What right do you have to be the victim! He is the one with the pills and the drs and the illness. But it still fucking hurts and your exhausted. Even when it’s in the open you feel alone. Slowly you wonder if your broken as well.

But you soldier on because it’s what you do. Life keeps happening around you. Soon there will be pyramids and a life long dream and you set your sights there. You cling to fhe hope that it really does get better, because when he says it does it feels like a cover. You try not to think but know you never stop, and you feel like your sleep walking.

You cry to often and hate yourself for past actions. You tell yourself you deserve every bit of hardship because you broke your family. You take the assault and sti from the past and tell yourself you deserved it. You take his leaving and say it’s your fault. And you take this too and say it’s only fare. For all the pain you caused, now it’s your turn, and you accept it.

Strange

When you spend 9 years with someone to realize you didn’t really know them.

When you realize your responsible for a lot of the break down of the marriage.

When small things you did together feel huge when you don’t do them with your partner.

When you spend easter with someone else’s kids but find yourself loving them just the same.

When your foundation is shook because of a careless choice someone made.

When it’s just 19 days till on of your life long dreams comes true.

When sometimes what you can’t have still hurts.

When sometimes you place the blame on your shoulders and you hate yourself for letting the family fall apart.

When you blame him for not trying hard enough to keep you.

When your torn between feeling happy and empty most days.

When you keep your head above water so well people don’t realize your struggling.

When you even fool yourself at times.

When you out of nowhere find yourself missing the man who left all the scars, and it throws you off balance and your left trying to catch yourself again because he never wanted you enough to try to begin with.

When it’s almost been a year sence you left.

When your torn between wanting him to get the divorce over with so someone will want you again, and scared for him to put it through in case no one does.

When you want to get married again so badly but dot want to be let down again

When you write blog posts every once in a while trying to make sence of it all

Drinking was a bad idea

Talking openly to my class mates was a bad idea. Everyone says I’m being taken advantage of, that I need therapy. People think I need a independent man, but independent men with lots of money and good confidence leave me. I’m not going to talk about t, but drinking brings him right back. I’m trying not to cry. I think I’ll just go on ignore mode for the night and keep to myself, my head hurts and I’m tired of being scared. Maybe I should just be alone. To much of a mess for people right now.

Pay out and puppy

It’s been a bit from when I last updated. Tomorrow will mark a week that I’ve been in the states.

I received my new guide dog on Monday. He is a yellow lab and he is great at his job. He is very different from Cici but very easy to manage and a lot of fun.

While here I received my pay out from the union change. At first I was just going to save the money, but then I thpught why not do something I will enjoy.

I’m going to Egypt! I’ve always wanted to go. I just can’t believe I’m actuality going to be doing it. The plan is to go in April.

Cici

Walking out of the office with you for the last time today hit me hard. I don’t think I have let it sink in that come Monday I will have a new guide.

We have been through so much together you and I. From the first time I met you you have always made me feel so secure when I am out on my own. You calm my anxiety and i have found myself crying in to your fur more times then I care to admit.

You are always so happy to see me, even if I’m frazzled. You handle every life change that comes your way with a wagging tail and so much joy. Your happy just to be by my side.

I remember when we came home togeghwf all those years ago and you would wiggle your way in to my lap. I purchased a special bean bag chair just for us to cuddle on.

We went to Vegas where you hamed it up at all the shops. I believe we even saw phantom together. You went with my little black dress just right.

You held the rings at my wedding, and walked proud beside me when I left that chapter behind.

You came along to the hospital when Evan was born, and even tolerated being posed for new born pictures with him.

You let the kids climb all over you. I think in a way you have taken them on as your own. You always keep us safe.

From the first moment I picked up your handle to all these years later you have made me proud. You have shown me this world is not so scairy after all. You have shown me unconditional love at its purest form, you have always been there when I need a hug, or help calming down, and I love you deeply for it

Today was your last day of work and your so oblivious, just snoozing on your bed. I hope you enjoy retired life as much as I have enjoyed all these years with you by my side.