Good and bad 

I guess some victory today as well as some sadness. I ended up getting the spousal support I asked for, but where the kids will go to school is up in the air still, B wants them to go to school near where he lives and as I don’t drive I feel they should go near me. We have a few months to work it out or it will go to court. I’m going Thursday to look at a place and I hope it works out. As for the sad part, I just find the day the kids leave to be so hard on me emotionally. I’m sitting here outside listening to music and hoping it gets easier. I don’t know if it will though, I would like to say work is a distraction but with how that is I can’t really say that. I’m looking forward to seeingn T tomorrow when I’m off. It’s sad but looking forward to seeing him at the end of these fucking work days is a huge part of what helps me through them, I’m only working 2 days this week as well as next so it shouldn’t be to bad, 

<3

I need you 
Like two magnets we are pulled together 

Hands and lips and breaths 

Caught in our desires 

We let go of the rest 
Your lips on my neck and I’m floating

As my hands dance over your skin

The physical distance feels like miles between us 
Whispers in my ear as I close my eyes 

Teeth and nails now 

Bringing us to a fever pitch

I tremble for release 
Holding tightly as two meld to one

The world falls away in our motion 

We belong to each other

This need is mutual 
Here in the following silence 

Our spirits can rest again 

As sleep claims our bodies 

Intertwined we dream

1 month 

It’s crazy to think how much can happen to two people in just a month. In just 30 days I have grown to love you. In just 4 weeks you have taken all my self doubt and stripped it from me with the same gentleness as when you first removed my clothing.
We first connected on a Friday night, it was a frantic phone conversation full of the chaos of my life. The kids were getting picked up and I babbled like a idiot. I was nervous even then because of your profile. I babbled and you listened to me in all my chaos as the kids were picked up. We talked for hours. 
The first time you came to me I didn’t know what to expect, but when you came with drinks for us both you put me at ease. We did those 30 questions and talked in person for most of the day. We met my friend and had dinner and ice cream together. When I first walked beside you I felt the strength of your presence. 
When I gave you my body I surprised myself with the confidence I showed. Only in looking back do I realize the lingerie was part of the plan. Phantom will always hold a place in my mind and heart for us. My spirit was moved by the music that night but you woke it up with your passion. 
It was a Friday when I thought I would loose you. I had to expose something that shook me to my core and humiliated me. You could have left me, but it was on that Friday you told me you loved me. I let go and lost myself in your comfort from then on. You are my safe place and my sounding board. Your my lover and protector. I can’t want to see the future we make together. 

Another long day 

Work was once again not productive. Most of my day was spent reading fan fiction. Star treck haha! The day was way to long.
T is off for a guys weekend. He sends me pictures through out of what he is up to and it makes me smile. I miss him, this feels like it’s our first weekend apart sence we have been together. When he sends Me little messages and pictures I feel closer to him. 
Tomorrow will be a month for us. It’s funny how fast it has gone, and yet it feels like there are so many hills to climb before we can just be together. Not around one another, not physically together, but to actually BE together. When we can see one another in the day to day of life. When we can share a home and not just our beds and spaces for a few days. I have never been patient, and with him I am very eager. Not for the reasons one might think though. While a small part of it is because I don’t like being alone, the bigger more resounding part is the excitement of knowing him. I’m eager to see all the things living together uncovers. How does he unwind? Is he a messy person? How will our first fight be? Will he like my cooking? How does he leave the sink after he shaves? I haven’t been excited to find these things out before.
Way back when me and B first moved  in to the basement at my parents old house, it was just a progressive thing. He stayed over a lot and I felt like I knew him enough that it just felt like the next step. It’s funny because here now with T, he comes over a lot, and I spend a lot of time there, but I feel so much excitement and hope I didn’t feel with B. Perhaps it’s because before he would move with me I get to make my own home? Maybe it’s because to me he is this mysteriously quiet creature who I want to mind meld with to know all he doesn’t say? Either way it’s a new feeling for me and it’s very welcome.
It’s strange to say, but I’m eager to see our dynamic strengthen after a fight. I know we will have good and bad days, and at times I’ll probably drive him crazy. The past 9 years have shown me that while I like to be semi submissive, I also am a very determined person when it comes to sticking  things out. If he really will continue to stay the same, if the emotional care stays after the honeymoon stage, if he will work just as hard as I will to maintain it if it doesn’t, then I really think I have found my other half. It’s not something I say in passion, or want to yell at strangers, it’s something I feel in my core. It’s a feeling of belonging and comfort that is such a shield for me at the moment when so many things are going nuts around me.
The possibility of being in my own place in a month or so us becoming more real every day. The fact he wants me, really wants me, is becoming more solid. While my job situation is turbulent, as long as those two things line up for me, the rest will follow.

Ping pong 

Updating to get some things off my chest.
Work is a gong show. Somehow my screen reading program has been lost. For the past two days I have literally done nothing. I can’t check emails let alone log in to my computer. For 8 hours a day I sit at a desk and do absolutely nothing, and hate it. All the feelings of discrimination came back from before. This time it’s harder because now I don’t even have the assistive tech I need to be productive. On top of that my hours are being threatened. In short it’s a shit show.
Things with me and T are going well. Sometimes I have these moments of detachment like, is this really my life now? He takes such good emotional care of me, but sometimes B words will pop up in my mind and I worry I’m to broken to be fully receptive to it.
It’s hard to write it out to make sence of. B told me I would never be happy with anyone because no one will be good enough. That I have something wrong with me. When these detached moments come, I’m so scared he could be right. When I start to pick at little things that logically are nothing to worry about, I feel like I’m trying to make issues. 
I try to be gentle with myself. So many life changes are happening right now, with work and the kids. I know the detachment has only surfaced in the past few days, so I know it’s work related. Still I feel guilt for it even being a thing. I feel annoyed with myself for allowing yet another thing out of my control to effect my relationship.
We say to one another all the time, me and T, communication is so important, and that balance is key. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of emotional balance that I wouldn’t know how to communicate something I don’t understand. He makes me feel so valued, so looked after and loved, and somehow I still feel these strange things and I don’t get it. I worry we build to much up around physical, and yet his body against mine is like my lifeline. When I get lost in him, it all stops. I wouldn’t want to change a thing, and yet  my mind spins with such stupid thoughts. I’m a super sexual person so why would it even matter if it was a part. I love our chemistry, and how desirable he makes me feel. Why can’t I just let things happen?
Some days I feel Bryan’s absence and then I get angry with myself. I feel in those moments there HAS to be something wrong. Never would I return to him, and yet it still hurts, he still hurt me so badly. Why would I miss anything? Shame and anger and annoyance because I have someone now worlds more emotionally and physically attentive to all I need. It’s the interactions over the kids, the way B handles it like business that cuts me now. I tried so damn hard and now I’m something that has to be “delt with” and not the mother to 2 kids. I’m a inconvenience to him now, financially, emotionally. Here I am moving forward, accepting. All that T so willingly gives me, and wishing I could feel a little less broken. That B hadn’t left me such a damn desaster. When I miss him I hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Then I will lay beside T and he will pet my hair and in those moments it all stops. All of it. The calm feeling and the level of safety he gives me when we touch is amazing and scairy because it starts the entire circular thought process again. I can’t keep my hands off him. His lap is my safe place, as are his arms. Is this reliance on physical comfy healthy? Am I killing us before we start? Is there something wrong with me? What if Bryan is right? Round and round I go. Then T says something and I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath, and then he is kissing me, and I forget why I was worried. I love him, I am scared I will break it and I’m vulnerable. The way I feel around him, it’s exactly what i need, and I’m terrified I’ll break it. This is new, the fear, not of him leaving, but of myself. What if Bryan is right? At times I fall back in to thinking the marriage failed because of me, because I was deficient in one way or another, and those are the times when I cling to T tighter. He is like a life line in all this, and saying it, feeling it, is scairy, because it sounds so pathetic and messy. I hold him tighter and nuzzle his skin and hope he has enough faith in me for the times I don’t. 
I know it’s a lot of rambling. I realize I sound like a desaster. I just needed to write. I know I will get better over time, I just wish I could give him and myself some fucking emotional stability. I want to be able to just enjoy all the feelings I’ve missed for so long. I want to be able to take pride in the fact my lover thinks I’m desirable instead of a amazing physical connection making me anxious. I want to enjoy him, this, my new life. I know it will all fall in to place, I just hope he will still be here when it does. I want to live with him, to make him banana bread, and have him ravage my body, to have him soothe my mind, to hear him laugh, and feel his body twitch against me when he sleeps. I know if I keep a handle on my anxiety we will be ok, I just wish I wasn’t such a mess. 

Roller coaster few days 

Things have calmed down now, but yesterday was really hard. T took it all in stride though and was there for me through it all, and then some.
I thought I would be productive and go to the bank yesterday to look at getting a new credit card in my name and looking in to mortgage stuff. With the  what I make I don’t qualify for enough. I was also told to wait on a credit card  for now. 
When I returned to the car I saw T had texted me. He unexpectedly had a short day at school and asked if I was up for a call. I suggested he come for a visit, and he surprised me when he agreed. If I knew how much of a shit show the day was going to turn in to I would have not been so stressed from the bank.
When he arrived I was overwhelmed from the bank, feeling stuck and cornered. That was the first time I cried  in front of him. Curled up in his lap with my head on his shoulder while he gently placed with my hair. My dad saw me crying and it led to some independent talking. I now have a plan, I hope, but I still wanted legal advice.
The lawyer was a joke. My already frayed nerves were put even more on edge from the garbage this woman was spouting. To make a long story short, extra money is not worth giving up my  morality for. T had came along with me and mom, and on the ride home he saw the angry frantic side of me. For the most part he kept quiet, but from time to time he would squeeze my hand or touch me, and I loved him more then the anger I felt in those moments. 
When home we filled dad in about the gong show, and then had dinner. T drove me to kids up a cheese cake and at some point I was informed mom and dad were going away. As I type, they are still not home. I was upset and stressed with everything going on and anxiety took its hold. Not being in my own place is super hard at  times. 
Anyways after cake they left and B showed up with the kids. E came in crying about missing daddy already. It escalated and I got more of the I don’t love or miss you from E. While b struggled to put E to bed I cried again when T could see. He moved to me, told me E didn’t mean it, and said he would stay with me. Thiseant a 5 am wake up. This meant sitting silently while I cried more to my ex husband, who didn’t blink, about how going through this with E was killing me. This meant bringing me back to a level of calm only T could. This meant a hot room and a shit sleep, arms around me even though he was melting. Words of reaffirmation and gentle kisses when he was exhausted. Washing  a bottle and dealing with a stupid puppy at 5 am, and he did it all. 
Then he came back  and did it all again. With next to no sleep. He comes back and plays with the kids and loves me and touches me and blows me away. He did the dishes, he freeking ordered dinner! He played with Sylvia and still found time for me. Then he informs me I will have him from Thursday till Sunday!
How is this my life? It’s crazy and messy and even when it’s terrible I’m so greatful to have found this man. He gives and gives and no flower or chocolate or candle would ever mean anything close to the mindfulness and commitment he shows me every day. I have no idea how I ever did without. Unity feels good for the first time in a long time! 

What a weekend 

I can’t believe that in just over a week I will be going back to work! It figures as soon as I start to come in to my own here work has to come in to the mix and make things stressful again. Being back at square one with them having no idea what they will do with me again is really frustrating! Now more then ever though, I need the money.
Friday and Thursday night without the kids was hard as usual. When I’m in my own place I will be able to keep myself busy with stuff that needs to be done, here though I just sit on my phone. 
This week wasn’t bad at all though! We finally got together with the guys to play cards against humanity, and for dinner. I was happy T finally was able to meet more of my close friends. Wait! Time runs together so much, I just realized I have spent the last 3 nights with T and now I’m sitting here grinning like a idiot. Thursday after we finished up with the guys he decided to stay here. Falling asleep with him holding me is so amazing! He had to leave early Friday morning for work, but he still stayed.
After work on Friday he came back out to get me. He has been driving so much for me, on top of everything ellse he does, and I just feel so lucky to have found such a genuinely caring man. 
We went for dinner and then watched a few movies. Heh, I just realized I have another drink still at his place 🙂 The movies were good, both very interesting from a psychological view point. We did this thread on Facebook where we post thoughts as they surface while we drink and watch the movies. I thought it was a lot of fun! It’s silly but when he shares his “things” with me I feel failed and special. 
Yesterday we went to IHOP for breakfast. We both had French toast and I stole some of his bacon. I was happy to have coffee as well. When we are out together and he touches my arm lightly, or puts his arm around me I feel so secure and loved. The way our dynamic is working is really powerful. I love submitting to him because it’s not even a thing I have to think of, he is just such a nurturing strong confidant partner it happens on its own. I wouldn’t want to be in anyone else’s hands.
After breakfast we stopped at the grocery store and then headed back to his place. It’s ridiculous how giddy doing something so normal made me feel. I guess because it’s something two people living together would do? Regardless when we went through the store I just kept thinking how right this feels.
When we finished up mom called me and told me Cici had been sick. I felt terrable as T had just purchased stuff for dinner. We had to come back all the way out here but he didn’t grumble at all, just took care of it. When we got home and my parents were not here, it was obvious they expected him to take me to the vet. For a moment the insecurities crept in. Again, so much is being put on him, by no fault of my own, but still. Will he be frustrated? Will he back away? Nope, I was frustrated, that they would just throw me at him like a inconvenience they couldn’t wait to brush off. He didn’t complain as he took me and Cici to the vet. While I waited for the vet to come look at the dog he stood beside me, gently petting my hair or stroking my arm. All of it melts away when he touches me. 
Cici was given pills for the next week and we think she ate something. We headed back after the vet and talked to mom and dad for a bit. Dad thinks I need to take things slow, but it’s hard for me to sit on my hands here. When a remark was made about what if I’m engaged in 6 months and I made a snarky remark about how pigs would fly and everyone went silent the wheels in my head began to spin. Why the hell would he want that? Crap, did I say the wrong thing and now he thinks I wouldn’t want to be? What the hell! How can you want to be? Jesus you would say yes! He isn’t that serious, he enjoys my company and he likes the kids but he isn’t thet serious. Hmm my name and his last name would blend well together.
I attempted to give my head a shake as we walked to dinner. We had decided to go for Indian food. Dinner was amazing but out of nowhere my stomach started to feel nauseous. We had to leave quickly and as we walked home I mentally scolded myself. Jesus what the hell! In the past 2 weeks he has been through so much, what the fuck body! I was frustrated I couldn’t ignore it and annoyed I couldn’t figure out what the hell caused it.
Once back here we just snuggled on my bed. As I cuddled against him waiting to feel better my mind went to wedding vows, to dresses and dances and him. How through these 2 weeks he has been a constant support and  safe place for me. Laying there beside him I was again floored as to why me? How could anyone let him go, and why on Earth would he want me? He dozed in and out of sleep and he never let me go. His hands would twitch against my body where he held me, and I would smile and snuggle closer. Eventually I slept as well.
When we woke up it was 10 and we decided to head back to his place for the night. The bed here is way to small for a good nights sleep. I was drifting in to sleep when he said something I didn’t catch and I had to ask him to say it again. I had told him earlier about my wedding filled thoughts and was silently worried I had been to intense. Blue and purple? Wedding colours. Here was this man, petting my hair and holding me close, and talking about wedding colours. I can’t remember what I said, maybe I laughed, I do know I squeezed him tighter. Sleep followed.
This morning he made me breakfast while we listened to vocal trance. As I watched him chop vegies and move around the kitchen I was again hit with how stupidlyv happy seeing him do day to day things made me. When he sang quietly to himself my ears perked up. I loved him in these small moments more then I have through out all our time. The food was amazing, but seeing him just, be, was more rewarding.
When we left his place I felt light from our time, from his love and his touch and his passion. In him I’ve found someone who can both calm and make me wild with just a touch. Today when he left, it didn’t feel like drowning, perhaps it’s because I have finally stopped treading water. My moments of self doubt will always come up, but today I can fully say I am safe. I have never felt so safe and loved and appreciated before. When I let him go today, I did so with the confidence of knowing he will come back. 

Getting there 

The house has sold! I wish this meant things could move forward for me, but it looks like I’m going to be stuck in limbo even longer. 
At least I have found someone to go through it with me. After the gong show of Z I was really jaded and scared. He left me with a hell of a lot more then hurt feelings. T has taken it all in stride though. He doesn’t calm me through text, or with words, but with his actions. When he pets my hair and holds me close it’s all that’s needed to put me at ease. In terms of the physical connection we have, that’s amazing as well. He isn’t arrogant but is able to take charge of me in such a way where I feel safe and loved, not dirty and used. Even in our passion he puts me at ease. He has met the kids a few times now and he says he is here for the long haul. This blows my mind.
I go back to work on the 9th of August. This year has held so much change for me, it’s bitter sweet. I can’t believe S will be one soon! I hope things continue to get better for all of us 

It didn’t take long 

You filled me with fakereassurances and literaly left me in your bed. You didn’t have the courage to leave me before taking me back to your place and having your way. You told me you adapt to what people need in your mind. Was the entire time with me just you doing so? You haven’t said a word to me all day, and I doubt you will speak to me again. You are a new level of low and your insecurity issues are the universes way of rewarding you for being garbage! 

Today 

My hair is pink again! I’m glad I’m back to normal for the most part in that regard. I didn’t make it home in time to say bye to the kids before they left. I face timed them when I got home and it helped a lot. I find the days they are not with me to be really hard. 
Things with me and Z are going good. He tells me I am beautiful multiple times a day, and says I have nothing to worry about. My mind is really frustrating at times though. I trust him deeply alrrady, I have no worries about him doing anything to hurt me. I feel like I’m the problem again. 
He opened up to me about a past partner who wanted to see him all the time and how it became to much. I don’t want that to happen with me and him so I don’t bring things up, it’s a frustrating situation because my logic tells me nothing is a problem. Emotional me on the other hand wants way to much from him at once and I’m having to do this strange balancing act, 
I know so much of this is caused by the situation I’m in, when the kids go I feel alone and want Z close, I know it’s not his responsibility though to look after me like that. I know he is trying to show me to deal on my own, and I’m trying my best. I just don’t do well with all this time on my hands. 
I think back to all my relationships and at the beginning we saw ea hither all the time. When I actually stop and look at all the time me and Z have spent together in just 2 weeks it’s actually a lot so I don’t know what the hell my problem is. God damn I frustrate myself! I don’t know if I will ever show him this blog because he really might run the other way. 
Tomorrow we are going to a bday party and then either here or to his place. All of this, these stupid thoughts they all go silent when I’m with him. I wish I knew how to deal better when I’m not. He is a amazing guy and I’m frightened if I don’t get a handle on my bullshit it will self destruct things before they have a chance to grow. 
He leaves for 2 weeks on the 23 and I keep trying to talk myself through it. He really needs the time back with his family and as his partner I will not take away from that with my own needs. I really hope he misses me just a bit though. He is very good at keeping me guessing and I think his family and friends will keep him busy enough to not do so, i wish I had his emotional strength.