I meant to post this yesterday 

It speaks volumes I had to reread my last post to figure out it has not even bend 2 weeks for me and Z. This coming Saturday will bring fhat mile stone. I still can’t believe it! Every time I am around that man I feel like I have received the gift to top all gifts! Every time he tells me something new I feel lucky to share his time and thoughts. Things are going amazingly well and my days are spent feeling for the most part happy. 
Things with E are a little difficult at times. Considering y he is only 4 he is handling things as good as to be expected. I think in the long run resiliency will be a valuable tool and he will pull through the divorce. He is really taken with Z and I think seeing me so happy helps him manage all his own emotions. The house should be sold in the next few weeks and then I will be able to start my fresh chapter. 

A update! 

So much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. After returning from Mexico it has been such a crazy emotional ride and I’m still clinging on to anything I can so as not to fall. All my friends and family know the details, but writing is therapeutic to me in ways. For a while I had been writing a personal journal but I wasn’t very good about keeping it up to date. I hope doing it this way will help me in that regard. 
I finally found the strength and self worth to walk away. It took so long for me to do so, because I believed what I was told. I thought I would be alone, that no one would want me with my low vision and my two kids and my stretched body. After people like josh and Romeo built me up on a bunch of lies I was really just a huge mess. When I returned home from meeting my friend though, I realized I couldn’t be held captive to that fear any longer. 
June the 11 was when I showed up at my parents, at the time my dominant had gave me the push I needed to leave, it was the only good thing he gave me and I thank him for helping me find my strength. Getting out the door was the hardest part, just as it was before. When two people love one another but are just not comparable the idea of leaving is heavy with a lot of guilt. Why can’t I make it enough? It took two weeks of self doubt and emotional ping pong for me to realize why. 
In those weeks a lot happened to me. I realized that I don’t need a dominant, especially one who builds himself up on lies. It only took two weeks for Romeo to leave me, and it was less then a week after I shared his bed. Just like josh he built me up on reassurances, and just like Josh I believed every single one. I was not in the best mind set emotionally and I thought what I needed was someone to lean on. He informed me, when I was at my most vulnerable, I was to much work. It could have broke me. I could have cried and beat myself up for being to trusting, for giving to much of myself to soon, but I stood tall. Meter again will I be made to feel shame for how I love. If anyone tells me to control my forest fire of emotions I will be the one to walk away with out a second look. I am bright and strong and a fierce lover who will give you all I have. If you can’t stand beside me with your head held high in price, as o will do so beside you, don’t bother with words, this is something I want to pass on to my children. Be you, never apologize or turn in to something you are not for a man or a woman. Own you, be loud and fierce and bold. 
The day Romeo gave up on me, from fear and doubt, I met someone who showed me exactly how love should be. At first I dug in my heals and resisted. After being hurt so many times I was cautious and disillusioned. I held back because I was afraid my intensity would make him run from me like the others had. I wasn’t doing it for him, he kept telling me to let go, but fear held me firmly, this boy with his laugh and his gentle hands and firm reassurances chipped away at that fear every time he made me laugh. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so much like me, wr talked on the phone for 8 hours before I saw his face in person. I laughed on those phone calls more then I have in the past 9 years. 
Before we met he knew it all, I’m not one to hold back details like I tried to do with my emotions. He surprisingly still wanted to see me even with the two kids and the separation and the blind thing, when I saw him for the first time I felt like he had walked out of my mind, the amount we laughed over dinner, how we sang and joked and smiled, I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way before. When he left at 1am that first night he had proven to me he wasn’t looking for games. 
So many things stand out for me about that first meeting, the most signjfigsnt was when he told me to give him my emotions, all the intensity he could tell I was holding back. He made it very clear he would not be intimidated by it, that he would match it. I didn’t believe him, but I did it anyways. Everything I couldn’t say went in to that kiss. When he drew me back from him, and then reciprocated I knew he wasn’t exaggerating. He met me Step for step and in that moment I knew this would be how it is for us.
When he looked at me next, with his hand on my cheek he spoke to me with such conviction that disbelief was not a option. He told me I would not intimidate him, that he would meet me head on and not back down. That was the point when something started to shift in me. In a few days it would fall away completely. 
I had told myself I wouldn’t let anyone see the kids right away. But multiple days on the phone and the feeling of comfort this man made me feel didn’t allow room for doubt or second thoughts. When he met Evan for the first time I heard them both laugh . watching him fly my son around in the pool, hearing them laugh together, the last reservation fell away and I admired to myself that somehow I already loved him, as the night went on he met me stride for stride again and seeing my hesitation told me he felt the same, he provided the reassurance I needed to say the words out loud. 
When I told Bryan about him I knew this man had somehow became very important to me, I held my head high and had no room for doubt, something so powerful should not be kept in the dark. Z had taken me head on and I will do the same. 
It’s hard to believe it has only been a week yesterday from when he came in to my life. I have learnt so much in such a short time, I am worth it. I deserve to feel these things. Loving someone who loves you wlth confidence and pride is the best feeling in the world. Waking up knowing that even with the kids and my eyes and all the messy separation stuff he wants me makes me glow. He doesn’t dim me down he matches my shine and I feel more alive then I ever have. I am so greatful for whatever entity gave him to me, even if it was just the internet. I have found something I really truly believed I never would and I feel very happy. 
I know in the weeks to come things will get hard. I still have good and bad days, I am enough on my own, but with him beside me the hard days are not nearly as hard, 

Keeping busy 

Ive absorbed myself in writing and reading fanfiction. It doesn’t keep things from crumbling around me though. The very day we returned from our trip he let me down again. 
He stood quiet when I was talked in to the ground. 10 years of my life gone, and he doesn’t even know me well enough to tell when I’m upset. What a shame, a fucking shame. He is so far gone in this he actually believes I will not be happy without him. 
E is done preschool June 23. I’m leaving then. I hope the next person I love will make a effort to know me, not to own me. 

God damn it 

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes laying still in my bed, in hopes that if I held still long enough i would fall asleep and get away from these insescent thoughts of you.

After that, as his breathing settled in to a pattern of sleep beside me, I took 5 more reminding myself to hold back my tears. Sadness has turned to agitation, and here I sit alone in the dark with my phone.

I remember when I would sit alone in the dark with my phone to talk to you, when you painted me a world I so eagerly believed in.

Here come the sobs now, like a wounded animal, just the way you left me. Best to keep quiet so I don’t wake him up.

Do you know I still feel every touch like it was yesterday? Roomer has it time makes it go away, it has not. Your voice, your haunting words are never far away. You however are now on the other side of the world, again.

My dad asked me once why you? My answer came with no hesitation, then I was so eager to defend you, to defend us. I told him it was because you were the only person who could make me feel alive, who owned my body and mind. What does it say now that you have left me feeling dead?

I feel a unraveling in me. I feel more and more worn thin by this every day. I would leave if I thought it mattered to you. But there is the most painful truth of this entire spirit crushing thing, it does not. Did it ever? 

I could run myself through with a blade and you would watch from a removed distance as I fell to the ground. It wouldn’t feel any different from how you left me. Telling me she is a friend you were helping with money, you were just visiting. Even then I knew you were full  of shit, but I desperately hoped, and you, eager to string me on kept up the lie until you were engaged. Some friend. I wonder how long she was waiting in the wings for you?

I would leave if it meant you would stay but you never did. It breaks me, this knowledge. I have to try to fake my way through this fucking constant pain while you play house, by your choosing, either oblivious to what you have done, or gloating in the sheer force of it.

How does it feel to know you can so easily break someone? Do you lose sleep? I sure do. I feel shame and excitement every time I hear your voice telling me to cum. How does it feel to know you have that power? Half a world away.

I have none. Be happy with what you have you say. What you left me with, a substitute and a emptiness you are not man enough to stick out to fill.

And you say 

You should really try to find satisfaction in the life you have instead of wanting more.
Who talked to other women and lined them uplike dominos to fall at your feet with the touch of your hand?
How dare you say this to me when it was you showed me it could be so different. You who is now content, apparently, with someone new. Why do you say such stupid hurtful blunt lies. Why do you always run off? Fuck those words!
Every day I try to “make do” I try for my kids and my well being because I was only just a play thing to?you. When I trembled when you touched my skin from the force pf you, from the complete terror of letting go, you only saw it as a ego stroke. You could play my body like all the others, now you know what my moans sound like, curiosity satisfied, level complete. 
You broke me. For anyone to follow, to anyone who wants the fragments you left behind. I can’t let go again. I can’t get lost in another’s touch, I’m numb to everything.
Be happy with what you have you say. I ache for what I will never have again 

5 months!

It’s been that long from my last post. No one writes any more! I check back to my reader page but it feels like no one blogs any more. I guess if no one writes, they don’t read so I’ll use this for mytherapeutic dumping ground.
It still hurts. What you did. What you didn’t do. So many songs, to many fucking songs bring it all back and I’m right back where I started. How could something with such a strong love and desire fizzle our like child’s play? How can you play these games when you don’t have children to force your hand? Why wasn’t I worth it? It still hurts and your half a world away.
I never had a choice. From day one I fell at your feet and you chewed me up and left me there on the ground. If I could make this constant pain, these constant reminders of you stop I would. Yet you say, I have a choice.
Loving you was not a choice. It was something that swept me off my feet and here I am still trying to stand again. I can’t stand what you did to me. Me, the one who didn’t believe in love. Now I wish some days I never knew. 
Everything is lacking without the wag I felt when you held me, even though you tore me apart I miss how you made me feel alive.
My life is making do with my fingers in my ears trying to forget how desire feels. Kids anddomestic life and music. Always the fucking music brings it all back.
When does it get better? When you give her a baby? No then it just makes me angry. How dare you pretend when you told me it was always me. Don’t be foolish and get yourself in over your head, it will just feel like drowning in daggers. Why? Why are you so eager to make my mistakes. Why can’t I let you go? Why did you have to open my eyes to true love but build it up in this sick power play game. You always did and still do own me and yet you say I have a choice.
I can’t stand this. I need to get back to work, but that to reminds me of you. Nothing does not. I work out and keep pushing forward but I’m just treading water. Distractions are stepping stones. God I hope it gets easier. Why did you leave me so broken? Why did you wreck everyone ellse for me? Why did you bother just to give up. Fuck your and your accent and charm and soft words and rough edges and electric touch. When does it get easier?

The new sky train 

Today was a really good day! Not only was I able to get some Evan free time with Bryan this morning, but I was also able to get some very successful guide work in with Cici. 
Evan has been so excited about the new sky train opening here so we decided to check it out today. I figured it would be a good time to try and learn the route with Cici as well. So after lunch with the baby strapped to my chest we all headed out
The route is really easy. If I leave from Lafarge station it’s mostly a straight line. It has 2 lighted and 2 smaller unlighted crossings. As I don’t have my pass yet I just called a sky train attendant and they opened the gate for me and made sure I got on the right train. I think I’ll take the train from Lafarge to coquitlam centre instead of walking there, that way I don’t have to wait for construction to finish.
We met up with my dads mom once at lougheed mall. This time we took the train there as I thought E would like to see the tunnel.
We had lunch and then I picked out some clothes for Sylvia at oshkosh. I love that store and once they move to the new place in lougheed it will be really easy to get to from the sky train. I really enjoyed picking out her clothes. I called the store before I went and made sure someone would be able to help me find stuff and read tags. It worked out great and I found her 2 dresses and 2 sleepers for Xmas. 
It rained on the way home, but all in all it was a really good day! I hope to use the new sky train more and be able to get out and see more people.

Ramblings

People are stramge. Emotions are even more complex. 
To say I am unaffected by you after all the time that has passed would be a lie. But I am more mindful of how you effect me. I thought I was worth effort to you, but itshould not have surprised me given how you left your last relationship. I don’t want a us any more, that’s not true either, but I know better. 
I feel so much shame that I can somehow want you, but you are my addiction, and I’m only human. Knowing your engaged, knowing I wasn’t worth any effort after you slept with someone ellse, these are the things I use to keep myself from going backwards. I’m not angry any more I’m just sad that I believed you and I feel dirty and week that I still struggle with your impact on me. 
I justify it because I feel I deserve it. Somehow I’m so twisted up that I can still somehow feel I need to punish myself for not doing something, anything sooner. Somehow I blame myself even though logic and your own actions show you would have left me anyways. Humans really are fools.
I’m happy where I am now, and the baby isn’t what made me that way, but needed to write this down, to get it all out. For so long I’ve been acting like it’s done, like I’m removed from it all, and I’m not. I am not ok from you, o shouldn’t feel shame from that but I do. Knowing your still here, still inside me, it hurts, and I feel shame. 
I’m happy with what I have here because it’s stable. I know that at my worst he will still be there for me, and yet I haven’t told him how I struggle. I feel it’s mine to deal with on my own, my punishment not his, I’ve hurt him enough, as for you, I don’t feel I effected you at all. How could I possibly have when you were so unaffected by it all? 
I’ve learnt who cared, the one who stayed through it all. He warned me and I didn’t listen.
On my end, I know with out a doubt it was love, in all it’s messy raw bull headed inconsiderate fashion. That’s what makes it hard for me, to know that for maybe years I will hold this inside me, that it might not just fade to the back of my mind, my dad told me it took him years, and I feel shame. 
Shame that I struggle with it when I have a man who does more then enough. Anger at the fact that even if you asked me back tomorrow I couldn’t because some things you can’t come back from, and yet here I am struggling with these feelings that I can’t act on and I can’t make go away.
I’ve been told time helps, I’m sure distance does to, your doing a good job forcing my hand at that, engagements do that. I wish I understood you but I don’t think I ever did. 
Maybe I need to be more forgiving of myself, not feel so much shame over all this. But I’ve been trying for a year now to sweep it under the rug like you have and it’s not working, and I feel shame, 
I’m here and I’m happy and yet I still have these feelings and I hate that I do because it’s not right. It’s my own fault for letting it happen so like I said I take the punishment but I wish I could deal with it for my own sake. 
I know he is here for me, now I’m sure he is worried because he saw me writing this and now I feel more shame. I wish you didn’t effect me because I clearly don’t effect you, you say you will never be stuck, it must be nice.

Tomorrow 

You start preschool. Already this year has held so much for you. 3 years old. A baby sister. Now preschool! I am excited to see all the ways you learn and grow in the months to come!
You have been such a amazing big brother. Your always happy to help, and love to play with your sister. I’m confident you will handle this next change with the same enthusiasm as you did the arrival of Sylvia. 

Priceless 

We purchased it off Craigslist just a few months after you were born. I wanted something comfortable to sit in while I attempted to learn how to breast feed you.
When your dad and papa carried it in to the house I was hesitant, it was bigger then we expected so it took us a while to find it a spot. It dwarfed me and you when we first sat in it, but it accommodated my breast feeding pillow so we gave it a chance. 

  
When we were unable to get you to latch I spent lots of time pumping in our chair. We used it to prop you up to take some pictures when you were still to young to sit up on your own, and we spent many nights snuggled up in it while you slept or drank your bottle. 

  
Time has passed and your not so little any more, but our oversized rocking chair still holds us both. You came to me today and sat beside me and with in moments you were asleep. You may be growing up but some things will always be just mine and yours.